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16.0k · Mar 2019
stop pushing me
no one loves me
but they claim they care
if they really did wouldn't they see

i am falling apart
fragile to the touch
yet they keep on pushing me

closer to the edge
and they think i can take more
so they push farther till i'm at the brink

it's like they know i can't swim
but they are going overboard
and they'll be suprised when i sink
1.6k · Jan 2019
you don't care
i used to apologize
for being in your presence

as if i was burden
by just being seen

now i accept
that you'll look at me the same

no matter how i change
i can't make you happy
1.5k · Mar 2019
you don't trust me
you think i am weak
since you don't understand
you shut me down before i speak

you think i am evil
you think i'm gonna fail when i'm alone
but you don't understand
that i'm better off on my own

you think i am emotional
you think i cry too much
but i'd like to inform you that
i express myself just enough
1.4k · Sep 2019
i sea it
bind my wrists
then throw me overboard
into the ocean
that is overwhelmingly yours
just pin my arms down
and hold me to the floor
don't even give me the option
to look at the door
deny me the right
to leave this room
like my sole purpose
is to be with you
forbid me to go
i want you to do it
your waters are rough
but your movements are so fluid
that's one nice bad pun for a title. lol.
1.4k · Jan 2019
i slept all day
now i'll stare at my ceiling all night
1.1k · Nov 2021
lesson learned
**** the blood off my teeth
i let myself get this weak
slithered through the gapes
bit down as soon as it was safe
waited till i was comfortable
at my most vulnerable
you knew i wouldn't survive
but if it makes you feel alive
there is nothing you wouldn't do
i have never been proud to be white
and i know i will get hate for this
but oh well
i wanna say it

i've never felt comfortable in my own skin
i'm not even full white
i'm half hispanic
but i look white
so i just identify like that
because i was called a liar
but who lies about that
my mother's maiden name is Gonzalez

i am tired of people assuming
because i am "white"
i had a great life
i am super stuck up
i am racist
i don't think of others
all the *******

i really go out of my way
to make other people feel

and i've never slipped up
never said the
"n" word

and honestly wasn't really a thing for me
never was a struggle to not do stuff like that
its not me
i don't know
race isn't like a factor for me
personality is

the only time race becomes a thing
is when i worry
people won't like me because i am white

i watched this buzzfeed video
or something
and it was about being black
and even though most of them
varied in their opinions
on various topics
the last question was a
are you proud to be black

but i hate being white
i hate having to see everything around me
the way it is
but not comment
because i don't want to upset people
i don't want to look racist
even if it has nothing to do with that

last week at work
my coworker
was talking ****
about another coworker
and you know how
when you're mad
but you're so mad you can't even speak
and you just say one last thing
the nail in the coffin
the final insult
like when you are walking away
from a bitter conversation
and you utter
or whatever word of preference you have
whatever floats your boat
but back to my coworker
she was talking ****
and she got to this point
and she chose the words
"white *****"
and honestly i could've given
two rat's *****
what she said
but two things stung me really badly
it was when she turned around
and had that "oh" moment
and apologized
it hurt
why would she apologize
or feel the need to
if she didn't see me that way
if that even makes sense
and it stung how if something
even remotely similar left my mouth
i would be sliced
and thrown out

and i must admit
i've never been "targeted" by the police
i am eternally sorry for those who are
i can't believe how many have been killed
i can't fathom how much hate there is in this world
but i am scared of the police
for different reasons
so yeah
irrelevant but i just wanted to put it in there

and i must admit
i've never immensely hated my hair
or felt like i wasn't represented in society
and i can't imagine what that's like
i can't
i just know i've never felt pretty enough
because even while i was being "represented"
it was this standard i was never going to achieve
ad who i ultimately don't want to be
i am happy how things are changing

but i must admit
that people think they know me
because of my race
and that is not true

i don't think a color
can tell a story
quite like a person can
and boy
there are some stories out there

i hope i didn't offend anyone
i just felt like
i needed to put
939 · Jan 2019
deep end
it feels like i'm drowning
but my breathing is just fine
might not be trapped physically
but i'm caged in my mind
reliving every failure
and worrying about the ones to come
not thinking about what i do
but everything else that i should have done
and they all think i'm crazy
no one understands
not worth the energy
or even a second glance
even those that listen
barely register the meaning
a moment of belonging is
and fleeting
cause i climb this mountain of doubt
and fall each time i try
to open up and be a better friend
it leaves me cut up inside
because either i'm terrible
and say what i want to say
or i give myself to others
and i slowly go insane
cause to be liked
i have to be nice to you all
being supportive
being there
being kind to a fault
but i'm still the bad guy
cause i'm tired of handling it
cause i'm sick of your lies
and the people that you run with
why must i change myself
when i've already changed my behaviors
time and time again
to make you comfortable
to have a positive impact
to be a better friend
i just feel abandoned
in a time of need
why must i defend
myself every time i disagree
it's just a part of who i am
the choices i make
are based on thought
not on whims
i've given too much
to now in turn let your words
get under my skin
why can't i just feel
why must i lose for you to win
i'm trying so hard
to keep my cool
but the darkness is moving in
the farther i run
the harder it is
for my heart to mend
i run from my fears
neck deep in problems
till i realize i'm in the deep end
this poem is about how it feels to be a giver.
936 · Dec 2018
I want you
I want to want you
I need to leave you
I need to
897 · Feb 2021
the way things are
if things would stay the same
that would be great

but that's not
the way things are
we've all nursed a broken heart

or two
it's part of the human existence
gotta learn to live with it
879 · Apr 2021
beach at sunset
sands i've only seen
through pictures
you gave her my dream

it hurts
but there's no benefit to being bitter
part of me is happy
that you're happy with her

just can't get over the fact
you had to give her the exact thing
you could never
promise to me
i hate taking tests
my handwriting is not the best
i wish cried a lot less
i experience WAY too much stress
i never feel the need to dress for success
i just barely learned how to play chess
i've got a lot of secrets i don't plan to confess
i slept all day, but i still need a rest
i don't know why everything has to be a contest
i really don't like movies about the wild west
i think my favorite word just might be yes
school is such a pest
i've never stuck gum under a desk
i get one penny a month in interest
another word for a clown is a jest
i've never read consumser's digest
my prescribed medicine is the only controlled substance i ingest
i am firmly against ******
i don't understand what makes the shaving of a citrus a zest
the top of a soundwave is called a crest
birds keep their eggs inside of a nest
i really think this idea has me possessed
its not even that good but i keep making progress
i'm gonna end this before it all becomes a mess
i hope my rhymes have left you impressed
842 · Nov 2019
social anxiety
they say
go away
with their eyes
those looks
will always be louder
than their words
do they meet in secret
to plan my demise
or are they perfectly evil
on a whim
social situations
have never been
my strength
but this
this is not on me
is it?
823 · Jan 2022
get outta there
i bet you wouldn't like it

impeding my peace
embedded in my dreams
inserting yourself in to
all of my most secret fantasies
waking up unwillingly
rolling over back to sleep
right back to where we
left off so casually

in the dreamscape it's so nice
but it's so toxic in real life
793 · Dec 2018
i can't say you're inconsistent
because you always pick her side
don't tell me you love me
just to change your mind
you always choose her
so i decided to leave
don't take it back
you've already lost me
744 · Feb 2019
getting used to getting used
ain't that ******* sad

tired of being too tired
to enjoy what i have

waiting just to wait some more
it can't be that bad

it's breaking my heart to break the ties
i never really had

wanting to want you
like you're the only savior

walk it off or walk away
come back never or later

sorry for being sorry
it's just part of my nature

good people do good things
to get rewarded for their behavior

imagine a forever that goes on forever
and you will lose your mind

pieces of me to piece your self back together
solving your puzzle destroys mine

running from them while you're running from me
almost keeping our paces in time

loving someone that is loving someone else
swearing one day they will realize

they don't love you because you don't love yourself
stuck in a lonely loop

why do you only have you
when your biggest is enemy is you

lie to them so they will lie to you
because you can't face the truth

hurt them like they hurt you
but is that really what you want to do

he's sad so your sad
but you are still alone

calling his phone while they're calling your bluff
silence and a ringtone

face to face then skin to skin
but you don't feel it in your bones

you got what you wanted but its not what you wanted
confused and don't know where to go
the title also kind of fits the theme, because metacogniton is "thinking about thinking"

idk really
im weird
why is what i'm doing not enough
so much progress but haven't touched
a single dream i had
making myself feel bad

cause i did things
a lot for me
but i'm still so far
and it breaks my heart

how much harder must i fight
when there is no end in sight
if i could have one thing for sure
that's all i ask for
731 · Oct 2019
peace of mind
don't say you don't love me
tell me you hate me instead
don't say you don't love me anymore
anything but that i beg
i don't need to hear it
to know that i fear it
we get lost in the fire sometimes
but we always clear it
if you can't tell me you love me
just say that you hate me
one might upset me
but the other will break me
709 · Feb 2019
i'm making a list
what else could you want
i've given it all
i took all the blame
respected your walls
i gave you time
patience and love
but none of my efforts
seem to be enough
687 · Sep 2020
sick of the situationship
the fixation ****
you lack the maturity and patience which
is the reason this can't go on
you've already been so gone
lately you can do no wrong
but that's not right and it's not okay
it's not my job to fix your mistakes
or bridge the gaps you make
if you wanna cause a range of issues
or are looking for someone to fix you
or gaslight over things you did do

go find someone else
649 · Feb 18
painting pretty pictures
just one question lingers
what did i do
to deserve the misfortune
of knowing you
and i say that
with a conscious lack of regard
i was led on
for no reason but harm
so it's hard to consider much else
in the aftermath
and it's even harder to sympathize
with a sociopath

recycled memories create fresh wounds
i should have paid more attention the first time through
i wish i pulled away when i saw the signs
i should have believed the emptiness i sensed in your eyes
i should have listened to the voice screamingNONONONO
i think all of these things as i still feel shame finding control
cause as unseen transgressions unfold
and i learn how things actually ran cold
i might hate myself for being naive
but i also finally get to grieve
you couldn't get what you wanted from me
and i still don't even think you know what that is
i don't even think you know why you did what you did
or why you do what you do
but one day it'll catch up to you

imagine the whiplash
630 · Aug 2021
i ruin everything
it's just like me
to lose touch
forget where i am
and say too much
reality so jarring
but i fail to hide
a mixture of insecurity
and fragile pride
i want to be happy
but i want to be right
i mean i don't want to
say it's all been a lie
just so damaged
that i can't tell between
my intuition
and the intrusive thoughts always plaguing me
and i'm sorry if it feels
like i'm closing in
i know that i
can get too intense
i'll just stop explaining
making no sense
like i said before
we're better off as friends :/
614 · Nov 2021
answer. the. question.
satan was his favorite angel
and he still let him fall
don't wanna assume the worst for you
but something about this feels wrong
why wouldn't you hurt me is a question
i hate to ask but i hear in the back of my mind
everytime you linger just a bit longer
and try to stare into my eyes
so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
don't wanna invest the last of my trust
if you're gonna just drop the ball
this is a lot for me and a lot to me
sorting through emotions
definitions and technicalities
seem like such commotion
why can't we just try to give the other
what they ask without thinking too much
but expecting you to be as thoughtful as me
is asking too much

i just wanna make you feel good
what are you trying to do to me
604 · Jan 2021
say i'm fine
thats a lie
but i will be
that just takes time
for now i guess
we'll just be friends
gotta embrace the end
and learn where your boundaries begin
538 · Jan 2019
vending machine
putting in effort
past the point where i should be done
trying to be
the Sierra you need me to be
everything to everyone

a sister
a lover
a confidante
put a quarter in
and get the Sierra you want

nice and sweet
soft and cuddly
honest and blunt
submissive and loyal
a Sierra that succumbs
520 · Feb 2019
the day we met

going to the same place
idk anymore. just take my 10 word crap for what it is
i tend to use so many words
this time i'll be blunt
i don't love myself
and don't believe anyone else does
510 · May 2020
wait for it
the day
i have the motivation
to do anything not required of me
you'll all be doomed
504 · Feb 2019
sometimes i just feel like
i wish i knew
that it would hurt
would still do it
would just prepare myself first
something has changed
since yesterday
from polar opposites
to something in the middle
something gray
something scary
something strange
something stimulating
something inflamed
where i ache
to pull you closer
but my gut tells me
to run away
where your touch
burns me up
but still leaves me
where i want to
tell the truth
but there is nothing
to say
cause nothing has
really changed
but it is definitely
not the same
one second
you'll hurt me
and cause all of
this pain
then you'll
draw me in
and i fumble
in your embrace
my heart, my thoughts
my mind, my brain
since yesterday
something has changed
470 · Feb 2019
talk to me
i am willing to listen
but i can't read your mind
tell me what you want
so i can make it right
if you bite your tongue
you're gaming for a fight
i am willing to listen
but first you need to try
to communicate
exactly what you need
to state your expectations
directly to me
i keep listening
but you fail to speak
don't you say i'm not trying
when you just keep ignoring
every sign and every attempt
so you can have "your" way
can't listen to you
when you think but you don't say
keep on pushing pushing pushing
and i will walk away
gave you my patience
you give me pain
466 · Feb 2019
what goes around
i see it from a mile away
the pride just radiates
but the proud fall first
you'll get what you deserve
toxic person incognito
you'll be destroyed by your ego
460 · Jan 2019
words on paper
words on a screen
changing in the medium
doesn't change what it means
however it does
give you a secret to keep
that your handwriting is so bad
that when you use a pen it screams
i'm in a humorous mood for some reason

also fun fact: i don't have bad handwriting so i have no idea where this came from :)
448 · Jan 2019
reoccurring nightmare
stagnant judgement
my worst moments on a loop
and i can't expunge them

suffocating pressure
emotional outbursts
did i forget how to apologize
or do i pretend to not know the words

manipulative people
asking where i've been
planting their seeds of hate
that burrow beneath my skin

complicated questions
heightened expectations
they must be mistaken

late nights into mornings
barely a wink of sleep
so fearful of my nightmares
i won't allow myself to dream

careful but not careful enough
one excess thought
and i go into overload
mechanical failure
completely detached
my mind begins to implode
445 · Aug 2020
unmade bed
all i can know is me and mine
and even that can be a mystery sometimes
i could waste time trying to read your mind
or work on bringing love to my own life
and honestly the best thing
seems to be investing
in the best me
not being messy
430 · Jan 2019
i could move a mountain
i could part the ocean
i could touch the sky
but i can't handle my emotions

i drown in loneliness
i run into problems head first
i fly away when i get scared
and somehow that makes it worse

because i can be magical
i can be a presence
but when you look at me
my resolve lessens

i forget what i am doing
i'll just hide myself in the shadows
praying you don't see me
camouflaged with bravado

i'm a natural
it just flows when i let it be
but i become an actress
when your in the vicinity
this is about being self-conscious around people who aren't your friends, but you have to be around them
412 · Feb 2021
best kept secret
loved in the dark
light burns away the shadow
that allows us to be

we just weren't
made to last in a place
everyone could see

you're too ashamed
to be seen in public
with me

god forbid
they think you chose me
it burns to stand beside you
even if you mean no harm
the heat of the situation
penetrates my safeguard
it hurts even when you
dont mean for it happen
choosing to befriend you
led to more pain than I'd ever imagined
366 · Aug 2019
third time is the charm
all these guys approach me
but they're not you
and it's funny
because i don't even want you
i  just want to see you happy
and it seems like
you're actively doing
you can to hurt you and me
at the same time
so congratulations
on breaking my heart
for the 3rd time
and officially giving me a reason
to tell myself
i don't need to need you
i just wanted to
363 · Apr 2020
not in a hurry
trying to remain

but the more we talk
and the more i stalk
the more i wanna
cut this off

don't wanna be a ****
but i'm trying to save you as much
heartbreak as i can
since i don't know what i want
357 · Mar 2019
bleeding heart
i wake up
in pain
the kind i can't explain
why don't you see
why don't you care
just expecting me to move on
from yesterdays failures
all of my underachievements
my potential wrongs
and i probably would
if you didn't constantly
bring them up
being around you
is a reminder of why
i'm not enough
and i have tried
to numb myself
but it hurts just the same
but i'll keep it to myself
you don't care to
hear me complain
i just wish you understood
but i can't expect you
to know
being around you willingly
blow after blow
bruised after you're done
accepting the way
things are
to you i am
just another
bleeding heart
351 · Dec 2021
i wouldn't dare
it's red never green
but its black when i can't see
when it pools in my eyes
and slides down my cheeks
the feeling so indescribably large
yet nothing but a point in the void
the only thing helping me navigate
is the faint sound of your voice
because i'm lost in nowhere
looking for a way to get somewhere that doesn't exist
at least not yet
but i still wanna look for it

heaven could be closer than i'd like to think
but i'll have to crawl through hell just to have that peace
and i don't think i have it in me
i can't afford to gamble with my last good thing

just skip me until i'm ready
350 · Jul 2021
tired of the same **** problems
i just wanna be yours
fix me like i can't manage for myself
i won't fight your cure
339 · Nov 2021
fundamentally speaking
youre not wrong
you're just not gonna be right in the end

i understand what you're thinking
but its just not that simple
the regret'll eventually set in

destroying myself
for a little bit of comfort
it's fun for whatever that's worth

know i'm choosing hell
in a couple months i'll be chewed up
for now i'm not concerned
334 · Dec 2018
I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
Turned the other way
Still strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
I'm walking in the other direction, because
I don't need to know what you're doing
To close my eyes at night
Don't want to know what girl you're *******
I think I'll get by fine

So I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
To get you out my head
I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
To show that I know myself
Because I won't chase
After you anymore
We can't lean on each other
Like before

Because I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
Into my destiny
332 · Jan 2019
nothing makes sense
lost in the crypts
symbols and wits
i can't comprehend
the messages you send
signals continue to mix
whole words i seem to miss
not good at reading lips
give me a hint
people turn to mist
do you even exist
i keep losing my mind in this
language of your kiss
should i have prefaced that with the fact that i have never kissed anyone before. i'm lil baby
321 · Aug 2019
lying liars
the lying liars
and the lies they tell
buy into the facade
until the truth is for sell
we lie to each other
but mostly to ourselves
we lie to make it better
but we're always overwhelmed
we are lying liars and these
are the lies we will always tell
consumed by your desire
to be someone else
321 · Dec 2018
Excerpt from "Empty"
I’m on the verge
Of going insane
Thoughts of you are
Like needles in my brain

I’m pulling through just fine
I’m gonna be okay
I know I that I can move on
It’s temporary pain
316 · Feb 2019
i have nobody
and nobody has me
putting in an effort
but as lonely as can be

but not much effort
i don't wanna lie
i am scared of caring
i've been hurt too many times

i just want a friend
not too much i think
then i expect expect expect
and in those expectations i sink

i'm tired of being a giver
i just want someone to give a ****
if i pay attention to your needs
is asking the same of you too much

maybe it is and that's why i am here
friendless and confused
maybe i do need attention
is it selfish of me to ask for it from you

just tell me if i am too selfish
i just feel like i've given every last piece
but have gotten nothing in return
except for excuses i've already heard and didn't need

we can be friends or can't we
i'm willing to work it out
but this will never work if you
continue to put me down
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