I hate it
I hate the way that everyone looks at me
they way they laugh and mock
the way their voices sound;
it's so dreadful;
so filled with negative and hate.
sometimes I contemplate ending it.
just so I don't have to hear them;
just so I don't have to think.
but I know it's not worth it.
"it all gets better"
.. right?
that's what they all say as they hand you prescriptions,
as they send you off for seven hours to hear nonsense
but, "it all gets better"
so what does it matter?

I remember the first.
she was my standing ovation,
she held me throughout thick and thin.
but I wasn't the only one she held.

and oh, the second.
the second is you.
you with your selfish remarks and idiocy,
you with your hate and irony.
you never cared
but I thought you were my friend.

the third.
probably the hardest.
the third was her;
my light,
my dark,
my everything.
she's my everything.
she will always be my everything.
she lead me and filled me with hops,
but that hope was burned when she spoke.

you three are the reasons I'm me
you three were the reasons I lived

but you're all gone now,
and what am I to do?

I guess I'll just say goodbye,

because I know that's what you all want to hear.

you don't like my words
but you preach yours.

your words are full of frightful hate,
and childish ignorance.

your veins are black just like your distraught style.
and your heart is cold,
just like your fate.

you may think I'm harsh,
you may think I'm incorrect,

but my opinion will still say the same,
just like your indecencies

your words wore silver;
but your gaze was golden.

you kept promises;
you held on.

you fed me your words
and I read them with glee.

I held onto them and gave myself to them.

I let you feed on me
as if I was your treasured prey.

I guess I wasn't that spectacular though.

something changed.
you stopped spoiling me with your words;
and for days I was worthless.

then you came back.
you continued with your lead passion;
with the words you knew I loved.

but those days I was merciless had already torn apart your silver;
they stole your gold with selfish regard and broken palms.

you were cold; merciless.
it was as if I had done something;
   as if I held on too tight and made you run

and oh did you run far

I guess I should have known
it wasn't going to last
it never does

maybe I should have left sooner;
played hard to get.

but it's hard when you're always watching.

I miss the feel of your lips against mine;
and their taste which was oh so devine.
I miss the redness on my cheeks and the purple on my neck that reminded me of you.
I miss the hands that I held and the words that you spoke;
although they can never be replaced.
not a single man nor woman could show me what you did; treat me how you did.
even though in the end it was all lies
you still mean the world to me

the nights that you were here were different.
they weren't full of passion, or romance of our own,
they didn't consist of hands being held or vows being spoken,
they held fantasy and recreation.
a realm to our world;
a land we insisted on staying in.
we used our bodies to portray a new being;
a new story; new regrets.
we never loved each other,
we just loved the thought of the others creativity.
now you're forced into a new reality
and we're here waiting for your return.

one day when all the thoughts of you have disappeared, when the pain in my heart has been reduced, I'll shoot you a smile. you'll see what I am, and what I've become due to all these trials and errors, due to all the times you broke me and tossed me away. you will finally understand that I am human too, and you treated me like I was nothing. I thank you for showing me that my existence is of no importance, but frankly, I had already known. I showed no intention, no infatuation, but you pulled it out of me. now I know how vulnerable I am. now I know my weaknesses, my flaws. all because you showed me I was already broken.

you sit around and stare, looking for someone to notice you. striving for a glance, a look your way, for someone to acknowledge your suffering. you think it'll be okay if someone tells you it will be, if someone offers you their hand and their blood, but it won't be okay.

you turn around, you back off from the world, wondering if that will get you noticed, give you what you need, but it won't. it never does.
' you're in pain, you're suffering, everything is hell for you, everyone hates you. '
you have a family, you have friends, you're surrounded by people who could love you, who could give up their all for you, but that isn't what you want.
you want someone to talk about you, to tell everyone your problems.
you want eyes on you, you're starving for some gratification, for someone to pity you, to take you in so you can humiliate them.
you know it's alright, and so do many.  
they notice how you wonder, how you look for someone to fancy your sadness.
you're not sad, you're not broken, you're seeking attention, seeking blood. would you ever raise a hand to harm yourself? would you ever do what you say you do, what you cry about to strangers?
no, you wouldn't.
it's all a play, and you are the main character.
in this sick play your depicted as broken, a lost soul, when in reality, you're stringing everyone along.
you lie, you break, and you know.
maybe you should treat yourself the way you say you do, maybe you should learn how to harm your body, because then you will finally understand what it's like to hurt, to break, and to hate yourself.
needless to say, you'll never understand. you'll never care about anyone about yourself, about your pain.
that's fine, you do as you please, because one day you're going to fall in love. you're going to strive for that someone, strive for their eyes, strive for the thrill, the vulnerability of love.
but you'll be alone.
they'll call you an attention seeker, they'll avoid you.
no one will want you, and you will break.
you'll hide your sorrows in substance, in abuse, and when resources run low you will use your body.
you'll sell your pride, and your self worth away every night.
every fake sparing glance you give the people who take you, every lie you tell them to keep them going, to make them give you more.
you won't realize you've went downhill until you have a child.
this child will hate you, will disrespect you.
this child will string you along and betray you.

I'm past this point,
all is well.
There are no more infatuations,
no more ulterior motives,
but it hurts.
The pain is shattering,
the pain is horrid.
you broke me.
You brought out my vulnerabilities,
shattered all my pride; broke all promises.
I want you to fix me-
to help me fix myself.
What has been stated tells no lies;
but I need you.
I don't need your kisses;
I don't need your warmth;
but I need your hand.
I need you to support me like you used to,
before he roads grew thin;
before feelings were spilled.
I know your dark side;
I know your flaws;
and I know that this hurt you too.

I noticed how you wandered; how you swayed.
I never wanted you back;
I never wanted your love.
I wanted your attention,
your smile.
I want your attention,
your smile.

Why can't I make you laugh?
Why can't I read you like I used to?
It kills me.

Take my vulnerabilities,
take my soul;

just let me cause that smile,
that laughter that I've always loved to hear.

With no obligations;
no commitments;

let's hold hands again.