(i)

this brain of mine –
i need to sort it out,
all the messy craps and endless worries
i want to throw them all out
and make it more homely.

this heart of mine –
i need to make it softer,
so that i could learn to love again
and make it dancing happily.

(ii)

i keep replaying the same old songs
they remind me of your absence in my life
and the moments you've done me wrong
maybe i was too stupid back then,
but now, i am no more naive.
i know exactly how to say no
and when to run away.

knock knock
who's there, she asked —
it's me, the Death.
oh, it's the time already? she said
i wish i've done more with my life
i wish i've told her i loved her
it's already too late, the Death said.
but —
what if i exchange something to get one more day? she tried to bargain
the Death stopped to consider
there's nothing more worthy than your own life, he said.
that's such a shame —
i've always been dreading for this day
but when it's already here,
i reluctant to let go —
time's up, the Death said.

women from this era don't give a ****
if you think they are too much
or never enough
these women would tear your soul
and scream, "not our daughters!"
and also, not her daughters, and their sisters and mothers
how could you sleep at night
thinking you own the rights of their body?

women from this era won't stutter when you spit out your insults
they would teach you how being a woman is a bliss in a cursed world
it's never their fault when you hurt them
they're gonna rise up, fight you right away
so you better back off
because these women won't give up,
no!

you want to paint it black
and make everything bleak
just like how you feel
even you try so hard to conceal.

you want to give yellow a try
they say it's a colour of happiness
and you wish it's true
and the warm colour reminds you of sunset (at 7:15pm which to the point you forgot to take its picture and exhaled all the lovely emotions you could get)
it doesn't make you feel mellow
it doesn't turn your heart all hollow.

one time, your friend said to you,
"yellow reminds me of that weird-looking dog cartoon"
and you were too embarrassed to admit
that you hugged Jake almost every night
you thought, "atleast he never judges me like you always do"
ah, we all need friends who listen.

look up to the sky!
maybe you would see the shade of your happiness
feast your eyes on its all-glorious
and take them all in, inside you
make you a lot less sorrow,
and promise yourself a better tomorrow.

(i)

three words, heavy meaning
empty feeling, affect nothing
they said, love above everything
but they forgot there's always something else, missing
between those unreciprocated emotions and midnight crying,
someone else is praying
that God to take their emotions away
so that
they would feel nothing at all.

(ii)

he said, she said
lies and more mindless promises
those masks are too worn out
couldn't conceal their indecision
to love, or not to love
what if they reveal their true feeling,
they would end up alone forever?
so, they stay
even it hurts, even it kills them inside.

(iii)

for you, i leave myself bare
you're the only one who understands
and never leaves me alone
you always know the best
and never truly gone
you,
the All Mighty
the All Knowing
for you, i am still here.

(iv)

she punches her own guts,
growling, spitting and questioning herself,
how could she mend her own wounds
knowing she was the cause of them all?
she's always ready to give her love to everyone around her
ignoring the fact that she needs some for herself too
oh, all the scars and agony
she wishes one day she could embrace all of her flaws
and kiss herself good night and wish, "sweet dreams".

good morning to the monsters hidden under my bed
and thank you for letting me sleep last night
i walked, and washed my fear away
and i pleaded to Him
asking Him to spare me some mercy
and put some peace in my heart.

16th Jan, 2014

dear my future self,
i hope your life won't be as miserable as it is now.
i pray to God that you would find your peace of mind
i wish you the best finding your way to your happiness
please stay alive
not just for you
but for everyone who's counting on you
because if you **** yourself,
you're also killing everyone who truly loves you
so, please stay alive
and live your life at the fullest
especially for me.


loves,
your old self.