I really miss those nights
listening to songs we would
have hated 3 years ago;
talking about
5 years from now
when we were at the beach
sitting on the benches at the pier
when the sun had already
died
we didn't know how
easy we had it
of course, we didn't experience
everything
we didn't fall in love
like everyone else
I didn't think we we're
ready
I don't think we're ready
now-
but we want it now,
more than ever
it's because we finally figured out
what they never told us
or tried to tell us:
that out there is everything you've
ever wanted and everything you don't;
every where you want to be and
every place you're trying to run away from;
everything that you hate
and everything that you love
all together, thrown at you
at the speed of a waterfall
and you taste it splashing in your mouth-
it needs a little more of what we didn't have

I remember how amazing it was to get high with you that night
in her car, everyone looked alike back then Black leggings with tight Black shirts
Black hair and Black shoes
everyone wanted to be mysterious and wanted by the sun
I wanted you furiously but I was running out of time
running out of excuses to give myself
tired of running in general
so I stood still while I sat in her car next to you
back in the passenger seat
nervous as a stone on the edge of everything
all I could think about was how many kisses
would it take to fill up the space where our
lips touch like two galaxies
your hair a magnificent avalanche of night
my eyes digging through the whispers tattooed
on your hair strands dyed in yellow shading me
from your eyes
I sat there
and imagined an infinite number of scenarios
where we ended up having ***;
passing out and waking up the next
morning decorated in tiny red bruises
but no
you were something I felt for a moment
high sitting in the back seat of her car
while you debated about Lana Del Rey

I don’t know what I’m doing
I have no clue where I’m going
Parts of me are scattered in people
Who no longer think I care
Days melt into month and
I’m being devoured by a girl
That has eaten more men than
Cigarettes
My hands are sticky; been going
Through my parents old photo album
Divorce is hard when you’re 18
You chose who you go with
And I’m terrible at decision but
I wish I could say I didn't have to pick
My mom
Honestly, I would chose either of them

And you wanted to drop in to the sea
We’re not rain drops
No matter how much
We want to reflect the impressions
of clouds burned into the afternoon
and you wanted to spend evenings on a roof
around us the cache of our future
embodied in skyscrapers
found near parks where everyone lives
and you wanted me to metalize my organs
store them somewhere cold where only
you can retrieve them;
A safety deposit box filled with things
To make you feel better  
and you wanted us like a locket
sealed by the feelings from the last guy
you wanted.

When I was eleven I came home
with a piece of paper
back then I knew
how much those five letters  
would determine how much
you were worth
and as a kid, I felt pretty
worthless
there was a time I remember
before the paper
where all I would do
was draw

Mountains fascinated me
and that’s what I drew
all the time, mountains
I drew them with snow caps-
Without snow caps
I drew trees at the foot of them
Plaster a setting sun in the distance
Made them look like teeth
And a road came from them
Leading nowhere but to you

I was eleven
When I tasted the value
Of myself
Slapped across my cheek
Like a tattoo
And the first word
To be printed on me
For everyone to see;
Failure

And they all knew that
Was true
I could never turn my mountains
Into Everests
My trees into the Amazon Basin
Or my lakes into the Atlantic
And I ran through the world;
A blank piece of paper,
All of a sudden everybody had
A reason to use a sharpie

I’ll never be able
To make my mountains
Into Himalayas

And I can never stop them from
Using their Sharpies,
After a while your skin color
Doesn’t matter anymore
What they see on you is a story
And they can tell me what they think
But they’ve never seen my back
The things that I’ve carved on to the
surface of my spine
She feels them sometimes when we
have ***
trying to figure out where the period
ends.

You’re the song that
The sky can’t stop
Singing after the sun
Broke its promise to
The afternoon and left
Inside my head is the
Sound that the rain makes
After a big storm, leaving
Stains on my shirt
Rusting the brakes so you
Couldn’t leave
The sound of subtle bells
I tore it open once
Just to see if I could find you
Somewhere in the storm of myself
I searched for a while and my feelings
Came pouring out like a waterfall
Rivers began to form and you followed
Them to the ocean of my vulnerabilities
Stripped yourself naked and swam through
Me, riding my skin like tidal waves.

I going to run my lips
through you like acid rain
Every drop of me
is going to leave a mark