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 Nov 2014 haley
N
You were too late
 Nov 2014 haley
N
Its uncontrollable.
The way people end up in our lives
The way people show up at the end of our lives.
The way people end our lives.
You were all three.
You walked in through the door I saved for someone I thought might be able to love me; the door with a welcome matt that looked more like a warning sign.
You walked in on the side of me that was only meant to be seen by the reflection I find in the mirror
Empty prescription bottle, empty liquor, empty heart.
And with the seconds passing I realized you came too late to have a chance at saving a life that I never got to live.
You try to turn back the clocks to see if I was better off before you came.
But time is a measure we convince ourselves has the power to change things.
Nothing can change other than the arrow on the circular board that points towards a past I can't seem to escape from.
Every breath is forced at this point.
So were my last few years.
The door was always open.
You just showed up too late.
 Nov 2014 haley
N
This bitter taste
 Nov 2014 haley
N
It's been months.
I've been bearing the weight of emptiness.
The absence of color on the walls and lipstick stains on post it notes I used to leave you.
The comfort i find in darkness is only there because light shows a world without you and its one I don't want to see.
Going back to the past is like a train ride with no destination on tracks made up of un-kept promises.
I'm sorry that I keep apologizing for still loving you.
I'm sorry that I keep waking up shaking in the middle of night, choking for air as I call out your name.
I'm sorry I still look for your face in the midst of crowded sidewalks.
I tried writing you a letter last night to explain to you the agony of living in this emptiness, but the pen broke, spilled ink on the page and I think it said more than my words ever will.
Despite the fact that you left me on the verge of breaking, I hope you're happy.
I hope that every cigarette you put between your lips knows how lucky it is to be there.
I haven't kissed you in months, but I'll never forget the way you taste.
I'll never forget the way I loved you when my named would roll off your tongue.
Nor the way it feels to be wanted by someone who could make love sound so bitter sweet.
 Nov 2014 haley
N
Somewhere
 Nov 2014 haley
N
Somewhere, right now, soulmates are meeting.
Somewhere, right now, lovers are departing.
Somewhere right now, a lonely man is sipping the last drops of his fifth bottle.
Somewhere, a daughter is watching her father drive away for the last time.
Somewhere a little boy sits with a therapist locking words under his tongue.
Somewhere a blade is being introduced to raw flesh.
Somewhere, right now a young life is being put in the ground, with a psychiatrist pondering at what he could have done to save her.
Somewhere right now, pettles are being ripped from flowers by hearts wondering if they're loved.
Somewhere right now a nurse is changing the sheets on what used to be a death bed.
Somewhere right now, a ship is sinking into the bottom of deep waters that don't promise revival.
Somewhere right now someone is crying out to a God who doesn't exist to listen.
Somewhere right now hands are being held in the back of churches in remembrance of loved ones gone.
Somewhere a song is playing that brings tears to the eyes of ones who haven't lived long enough to feel.
Somewhere letters are being sent to houses that are vacant.
Somewhere doors are being shut in the faces of those who have never known what its like to crave loneliness.
Somewhere there are all these things.
I'm here, you're there.
I don't know where there is; but its lucky to have you.
 Nov 2014 haley
N
Nobody ever said it was easy.
Nobody promised you a manual on how to face the burden of heartbreak and loneliness. This life doesn't equip you with the first aid kit to pull together and repair your soul after you face the sad reality that you have to save yourself from every hell you go through. Your lungs were not made to inhale the toxic smoke you use to numb your mind. You liver isn't meant to handle the alcohol intake on the nights you feel so empty there's a hollow vibration in your cries. Your heart was not prepared for the hands of lovers who are masters of un-kept promises and had the audacity to drop it. Your ears were not made to hear words that resonate in the back of your mind and make you contemplate weather death is a train you want to ride on. Your eyes, fragile glass crafted by God to see the beauty that this life has to offer, were not meant to see her in your bed with another. Your lips were not meant to quiver when the first tear falls after you feel your heart sink to your knees. Love is not supposed to sound like an apology when it resonates off the walls of your mouth. Kisses are not meant to burn your lips when you pretend you don't know the truth.
You shouldn't have to force yourself to pull her closer and you shouldn't have to look away when you see yourself dead inside her eyes.
The truth is, bottles and packs can numb the pain but not if she's the one filling your glass and lighting your cigarettes.
depression life love broken metaphor sad poetry agony alcohol dead

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