grace

grace Jul 2015

I'm the cup
floating [on the surface of the water]
being pushed down
[I] keep coming up
but a cup can only go so deep
until it starts to [fill up and sink]
[now I'm] overflowing and too heavy
too full [too full]
to float

drowning

#depression #drowning #down #fighting #losing #mentalhealth

grace Jul 2015

heavy heavy clouds (a sense of hopelessness)

I don't know when this storm will let up
these heavy clouds
dripping with acidic rain
looming above me
these dark masses
dropping silent bombs
onto my skin
this choked breathing
this sense of drowning
this water up my nose
this hair dripping wet
these clothes clinging to my body
this storm I can't do jack **** about
this broken umbrella
this soggy box of cigarettes
this wet, cold, life of mine
is so ironically occurring
during the summertime

#hope

grace Jul 2015

used up

I can't
I can't keep living like this
every breathe I take is too harsh
too sharp not to give my lungs papercuts
too abrupt not to startle my heart like,
"wow, you really made it this far,
you're really going to keep breathing?"
and with a sigh goes the life from my eyes

I'm empty
when I want to cry I feel nothing
when I want to feel nothing I feel everything
either way I sit in the shower
watching the water pull hope, motivation, energy
down the drain with it
and with the water goes the light from my eyes

I'm lying here, feeling nothing.
I'm lying here, too exhausted to care
too tired to deal with the fact
that this is what it's like to spiral downwards
too lifeless to care about this life anymore

grace Jul 2015

breathe it

sometimes
my life feels like chaos
I can't feel my body
I can't hear my own thoughts
and I come back to myself in horror
because I've lost it all

life works slowly
everything feels like a puzzle
being put together
I'm beginning to feel more complete
I'm beginning to see myself clearer
seeing myself as a work of art
a human being
not a human doing

clarity comes to me
like a gust of wind
rushing through my hair

like being in the ocean
and swimming towards the sky
my lungs have hurt
from holding my breath for so long
but I see the light through the surface of the water
and you can bet your *** that when I reach the top
I'll take the grandest gasp of air
anyone has ever taken in
and it will be beautiful
I'll laugh like a child
I'll laugh beautiful exhaustion
I'll laugh because I will feel
I'll laugh because I will feel so alive
I'll laugh because I'm glad I am

grace Jul 2015

dead end

my mind is made of medicine
I forget to take my doses
and suddenly everything is chaos
looking in the mirror is horror
feeling emotions again is unbearable
and I remember why I need
the maximum dose
of this ******* anti-psychotic
and I remember why I was thrown
in the mental hospital
and I remember what it's like
to dissociate
and I remember what it's like
to come back from that
or have brief moments of clarity
only to be drowned in confusion
and suffocated by delirium
and I remember what it's like
to not want to exist
and I remember what it's like
to feel meaningless
and I remember what it's like
to have to pretend
and I remember what it's like
to hit a dead end

#depression

grace Jul 2015

dark dark red

a blank canvas
warped and worn
painted over
with colors of bruises
with colors of war
tender to the touch
still not completely dry
set me aside
paint a new layer
again and again
make me your masterpiece
but below the neck

grace Jun 2015

It's like being thrown around (trigger warning)

I haven't weighed myself, cut myself, wrote a letter, starved, hid under the covers, or detached from the people I love
in about a month
and change feels good
but soon if I don't do something
I'll be back where I started
being tossed around like a rag doll by god, the universe, or whoever the **** is in control
and my stitches will come undone, my black button eyes will start to fall out, and I'll be left under the bed with no life left in me

#depression #anxiety #eatingdisorder #tw #selfharm #bpd #trigger #triggerwarning