i dreamed of being so light i could just get up and float away from this dark place i had trapped myself in
i did it.
with it i got a brand new addiction to appetite suppressants
i dreamed of getting a second chance with a man i hardly knew but liked the idea of
i got it.
with it i got an abusive relationship that came out of nowhere and hit like a brick to the jaw
i dreamed my parents would divorce to end the hatred and yelling that constantly filled the place i didn't want to call home
they did.
with it i got forgotten about
i wanted to love myself so i changed to fit the only version of myself i could ever pretend to love
i wanted someone else to love me so i accepted that just saying it was good enough even if their actions told me otherwise
i wanted to live in peace and quiet so i ignored my home, that had long been held together by my father, as it crumbled all around me
i got everything i ever wanted
but nothing lasts forever
and nothing good lasts for very long at all when you break everything you touch
and then there's nothing good left to come around
i had everything i ever wanted
and now i have self worth that relies solely on the number on a scale, my trust in everyone around me running on empty, and a broken home that no one that stuck around to watch the demolition of has any to desire to mend

Together, let's paint our future in blood,
And intertwine our veins.

Why are you turning back?
I have you now; I'm not letting you go away.

Feel my knife etching my initials in your skin
And gaze at the marks from my bites.

A perfect doll for my collection,
You are forever mine.

I'm not one to associate with jealousy,
I just decapitate anyone who glimpses your way.

Now, now; no need to worry,
There's nothing physically wrong with my brain.

It's just that your tormented shrills just turn me on,
That I'm addicted to indulging in your soul.

The way your eyes represent an abyss of fear,
Your skin loses warmth and turns frigid cold;

And the flow of crimson rivers cascading down your flesh
When the pain is more than you can endure,

Makes me want to keep you in my chamber,
With your limbs chained to the floor.

these things are you, to me:
chickens running free, loud squawks, they sleep easy.
freshly fallen snow, soft, powdery, fallen just to be jumped in, messed up, free.
sunshine, the kind of joy that seeps into my idle mind and tugs at the corners of my mouth even in the most inappropriate times.
silliness, passion, intensity
determination, love, contagious energy.
i could feel your waterfalls, your droughts
but could you feel how loved you were?
because i loved you like a brother, like a friend, like i understood you
and you understood me, like i felt the unspeakable agony
that at times crushed us.
i felt you from beginning to end and loved you the same.
you're quite abstract to me now.
i still love you, my lovely, distant friend.

oh god,
i can feel those old wounds in there,
buried underneath layers of new.
they kept building up without repairing the foundations.
i can hear them decaying a little more sometimes,
i can hear them calling to me
they retch and gag on words that aren't really meant to come up.
a disgusting cycle of retch, swallow, retch, swallow,
swallow until you think you're okay and then you ***** everywhere.
the words got lost in the struggle, they translate wrong
after ejecting from its cocoon, pain dries its crumpled wings
and flies away as a bitter and seething hatred.

I kneel before the temple of Regret, prayers slip through lips of red. Collected stars in a jar, sealed with tears I have not shed.

Like lighting bugs but brighter, it shines with a blinding burst. I sipped from the waters of Lethe once, now I can never queue my thirst.

I didn't  mean to hurt him, I'll do anything to make it right. Out of pure desperation, I silently robbed the night.

I went through hell to get here, pulling constellations from the sky. I almost lost it all to Ruin, but still I refuse to cry.

This is all that's left of me, just a shell with a pretty face. So I give this jar as an offering, of the things I can't erase.

"Hi."
Hey. Yea, I know who you are.
You drive merely miles and I now drive far.
You know why I'm here?
Don't look me in the eyes; I don't want to imagine that fear.
" I do. Hey up there, your daddy's here!"

"We're upstairs, one minute or two!"

"Yea, no **** you're upstairs, I didn't say, hey down there."
"They're upstairs and said one minute or two."
Yea, I heard them. I'm standing right here in the doorway like a vampire
"Would you like to come in, we've set a fire?"
As long as I stay on the fringe
I will be ok right here
as will you.

tick, tock sounds my actual grandfather's clock
To believe I traded the rug for that. My rug sure doesn't tie a room together.

"Your son should be down any second now."

"How about this weather?"
*******.

_TRF

All the questions sit on that mountain top
Running is escapism
hiking is not
my head is full from diving into 1000 inquires
and the momentary silence from my subconscious
You asked what I am thinking
I only think of open sky, and words, and worlds, and you
my mom said i was lucky to find
someone who wanted to know my crazy mind
I am enamored with cliffs,
my fear of heights dissipated
I am falling
not from the cliff, no i walked back down
i am falling in love