i dreamed of being so light i could just get up and float away from this dark place i had trapped myself in
i did it.
with it i got a brand new addiction to appetite suppressants
i dreamed of getting a second chance with a man i hardly knew but liked the idea of
i got it.
with it i got an abusive relationship that came out of nowhere and hit like a brick to the jaw
i dreamed my parents would divorce to end the hatred and yelling that constantly filled the place i didn't want to call home
they did.
with it i got forgotten about
i wanted to love myself so i changed to fit the only version of myself i could ever pretend to love
i wanted someone else to love me so i accepted that just saying it was good enough even if their actions told me otherwise
i wanted to live in peace and quiet so i ignored my home, that had long been held together by my father, as it crumbled all around me
i got everything i ever wanted
but nothing lasts forever
and nothing good lasts for very long at all when you break everything you touch
and then there's nothing good left to come around
i had everything i ever wanted
and now i have self worth that relies solely on the number on a scale, my trust in everyone around me running on empty, and a broken home that no one that stuck around to watch the demolition of has any to desire to mend

Bright colours fill my vision,
Soft music flows in the air.
A light breeze brushes against my skin,
The gentle warmth of the sun welcoming.

Letting go of past conflicts,
Holding on to the good memories.
Stepping away from what used to be,
Gaze set towards a new tomorrow.

I am being reborn,
A new dawn is rising.
Taking deep breath,
I jump.

I loose weight as though my body,
is a sculpture made of ice,
being carved away,
until all that is left,
is the pool of water,
under someone else beaten down shoes,
I look at myself,
as if the camera can never stop adding a few pounds,
as if suddenly my reflection is too big for the mirror,
and that even though I try,
I will never fit into the image I have sculpted for myself,
that being nothing,
is something,
and something is too heavy,
I cringe every time someone gives me a compliment,
because it is never about my size,
their words compliment everything but the elephant in the room,
and that elephant is me,
I can’t even let myself see,
that counting calories,
like bullets in a gun,
playing Russian roulette with my mind,
how many days can I waste away,
without dying,
or better yet,
how long until I don’t have to wear,
the burden of living