i am so sick
of feeling my own soggy brain
drag itself in circles
around the same old ****
i am so sick
of caring about people
who want nothing to do with me
i am so sick
of trying
and trying
and trying
keeping myself alive
for a fantasy
a joke of a life
that i'll never acheive
i am so incredibly sick
of pretending to be okay
so i can be there for the people around me

we're not friends
what we are is a joke
just a pair of kids
playing some ****** up game
where i try and try and try
and you give nothing back
when have i ever not been there for you?
have i not been good enough for you?
because even now
im sitting here
thinking about deleting this
because i know itll hurt your feelings
and *******
i love you
and i cant stop loving you
believe me
ive tried
so sure
go **** yourself
because nobody cares
nobody important at least

i am a person
built out of lies
look close and you'll see
the decaying of my mind
years of my own mediocrity
has put a fog over my eyes

i'm nothing special
nothing big, nothing great
i'm not even good
i'm something to hate

up and down
and up
and down

it'll stay that way
for a long time

the up and down
the dark water

coming up
rising high
crashing down
suffocating
then relief, again
briefly
for a moment
air
space
wide, open space
the nothing
before the roll and crash
of another wave

yes, it'll be like that
for good long while
maybe forever, even

speaking of summer nights
reminds me of warm skin under dark skies
when dreams float heavy in our eyes
connecting your mind to mine
keeping my heart in line

its not that i don't love you
(although i really don't)
it's that i can't keep hating myself for you
i cant keep saying im sorry

i love you
i love you
ill say again
and again
as many times
as i have to
to get it stuck
in your head
i love you
with no reason
i just do

i like it at the bottom of the ocean
even if i drown
at least i cant feel the waves
tossing me around

i miss you
all the time
i want you to be happy
you make me happy
i love you
i dont know how
or why
i just do
i love your smile
it lights me up inside
and i love your laugh
it makes me giggle
i love the way you make me feel
so grown up but still young and free
i love he way you touch me
like im something to be cherished
i love you
so much

I've lost my will
My need to speak
My words are just words
And my lungs have grown weak
There is no more beauty
To be spilled from my heart
My hands have gone stiff
Incapable of art

Do you ever wish to go back
To before we all died
Before the lights went dim
And we went out with the tide

i want to be loved
and held
and helped
i want to be
something small
to carry around in a lovers pocket
like a rock
a nice smooth
nearly round rock
like a squished oval in shape
i want someone to look at me
for hours
discovering and observing
but never judging
i want someone
who sees the cracks in my stone skin
and runs their thumb over them
cherishing the contrast
from light to dark
i want the tiny dimples and spots on my face
to be seen like glittering minerals
embedded in stone
trapped from years of movement and change
i want someone to look at me
and see my journey
appreciate the things hidden within

i want to be loved
the way i loved
when i was still young
and fun

i dont want to be pretty or perfect
i dont want to be loved
or held close and adored
i dont want to be her world
her sunshine, her favorite person

i dont want people to depend on me
it hurts too much to let them down

i dont want those memories back
of being wrong, feeling evil and disgusted with myself
i never want to see those guilty scars
the ones i used to write anger on my arms

i dont want to hate myself
which means i cant let anyone love me

i realized something
recently

i don't care anymore
what people think of me

i love my friends
and i have real ones now
people that make me laugh
and never judge

they think of me

every goodbye
is followed by a hello
and every storm
has a ******* rainbow
im stupid
and im young
and i dont understand things like love
and im glad
that some six months ago
i survived myself
because yeah
life is worth living
more often than
it isnt

my poetry is not art anymore
it isn't expression
it isn't even honest
it's filtered and edited
so as not to be disturbing
or concerning
to any number of people
often all that is left of me then
is anger

but in truth
in a final attempt
at honesty in my art
I am lonely.
and confused and stupid and tired and heartbroken and homesick
and so many other human things

to be disgustingly honest
and simple minded
in the least amount of words
I love you

i was
just another chapter
another character
i was
never special
or different
from any of the others
and somehow
i manage
to still make it
about me

i hope when i die
every last one of you
cries your ******* eyes out
i hope you say sweet meaningless things
over my open grave
i hope you say that i was a friend
a sister, and a loving daughter
i hope you all drown in your ******* lies
you dont know me
none of you know me
when was the last time any of you cared how i felt?
how long has it been since you gave a ****?
no, *******, i hope you all ******* burn.

dont touch me
god, dont ******* touch me
i dont know why im shaking
stop asking me questions
its too much for my brain
i dont know anything
i dont want to be alone
i thought i had it controlled
thought this could work
but it isnt its not working
and every step closer is a little worse
this isnt art anymore
this is me dying in words on a screen
im losing it
everything
ive already lost my mind
dont pity me though
i wont let you
im not helpless or pathetic
im angry
because i deserved better
from myself and from the rest of you
i hope when im gone
you all learn how to be human
because now
this world isnt worth suffering on
im fed up with stories and metaphors
pretty words
"poetry"
its not a safe space its a ******* nightmare
nowhere is safe anymore
it all hurts
im a disappointment
and a ******* freak
and i ******* hate it here
i hate my body and i hate myself
who i am
learning who i am was supposed to be
fun and romantic and life-changing
instead it just made me lonely
because all i realized was
ive always been my only friend
the others were imaginary all along

im running out of ways
to tell you that i am dying
i think im done
asking for help
whats the point in screaming yourself hoarse
when nobody's even listening?

i know
there isnt much anybody can do to save me
so i may as well shut up
and leave quietly, without a scene

it will hurt enough
without knowing that nobody cared

im so ******* lonely
that even love feels
a little too much for me
i don't want to be loved anymore
i just want to rot
im sick of everything
even ****** i can't stand it here
i wanna go home
and drown in the saltwater
let the bubbles from my lips
be my only goodbye
no more dreams of pretty boys
and happy homes
that life was for a girl who died long ago
im sick of trying to be her again
the pretty, peachy, happy girl
she died and she ******* deserved it
for all her sins
pretty boys are liars
and nothing good is real
im tired, no
******* exhausted
and honestly
im ready to die

my skin is a traitor
flaming and red
hot to the touch
leaving invisible scorch marks
on everything i touch
directly opposing
the chill inside
the freezing cold
of my careless mind

he really pulled up to my house
wearing a ******* cowboy hat
and blasting thanks for the memories
like some kind of ******* loser

your'e my best friend
you do not make me feel used
you are not one of many
you'e the only one
that matters
it's okay
it's okay
it's okay
i miss you too
and it's okay
you'e a good friend
you're my best friend
and that's okay

i wanna be your pretty girl
sink into yours arms and feel your skin on mine
i wanna be gentle and soft and loving
glowing like an angel in the sun
i wanna be gold and white
cold against your deep heat
and isn't it funny
the way your soul flames
and mine frosts over
everyone assumes
that you're the sun
and i'm the moon

yet your hands are always cold
and my skin never cools under their touch

this one goes out to all the moms
that lost themselves
that gave up hope
or never had any at all
all the moms that left their kids here
all alone on this sick earth
without a heart to lean on
or half a mind to trust
this is to all the moms
that broke their sons heart
or made a girl impossible to love
this to our moms
and to these moms
i say

*******

hell yeah
take my hand
lets wreck this show

and im so glad
that he loves you
because he's really cool
and im sick of hating him
unless you think hes cooler than me
then id have to **** him

and also
i really think
i might love someone too
and shes really cool
(but not cooler than you)
and she makes me feel
lesbian things
and idk
lets be gay criminals

and i miss my
best friend
too

lean into me
bury your face in my neck
cry on my shoulder
let me hold you all night
relax in my arms
whisper in my ear
how much you love me
let me protect you
from the entire world
from your family
and their judgments
from you exes
and their lies
do want this?
because i can give it to you
all of this and more
and all i ask of you in return
is that you love me
and don't ever stop

we fight
and fight and fight and fight
but you better bet your ***
i'd still talk to you all night long
we'd argue til the world ended
and still, i'd want you in my bed
i could say it over your grave
that this is the last time, i swear
i hate you
i never want to see you again
but still, i always come back for more

in the end
the fights are just that
just a fight

i love you
more than i love
being right

i can hear laughing.
it might be mine,
but it isn't loud enough.
i'm rocking myself
like a crazy person.
i can't feel my skin,
but i know that i'm crying.
i can see the tears hitting the floor
in little drops, like blood from a cut.
something in me wants to think this is a test,
the gods pushing my will,
seeing how close to the edge i'll get
before i jump.
i keep telling myself
that all the bad will weigh out
and one day it'll be euphoria.
but maybe karma really is a *****.
maybe it really doesn't ever get better.

****
when he walked in
i was happy to see him
elated, even
he's the only person
in these past few months
thats treated me like an equal
like a human being
the one person who's shown me respect
listened to me speak
and tried to understand
and ****
i was so happy

and now
i feel like im drowning in mud
my brain feels sticky
and heavy
and slow
and i

why
why did you have to ******* say that
even if it's true
why'd you say it?
do i scare you?
am i scary?

and y'know the wort part?
the worst part is
i thought you cared about me
thought you were helping me
thought you wanted
to help me

but i get it now
you're just too nice
too nice to tell me
that i freak you out
too scared to see me
**** myself
to tell me to
get out

tiny red hearts
in a glass jar
silver string
on my skin

plastic promises
are blown away
by her careful smile
once again