I have become a maelstrom
ripping down sheltered memories
shifting plates
and drowning secrets in my wake
so, I will start to keep company with myself
go back
spell check the dyslexic scribbles of full feelings
to make the story new
the prologue has to change
contradict my appetite
I am no longer hungry
for you
though I am hungry for
new
I have a way of ******* things up in total
but what if I **** up in pieces
put them together and the story will be whole
I will rebuild the house
rearrange the plates
the ground will stop shaking
and I will leave you in my wake

Two pills left
Three required
Which of the two heads will emerge first

The panic is palpable
For now
But there is tomorrow
Then the next day
The day after that

The shadow wolf and the golem await
Taking turns the dice
Which will be first and at what frequency
For now, the doppelganger paces

And paces...

The call came in at five a.m.
Weren't we supposed to
Meet for lunch today?
I guess we never will now
Forever

I had to tell mom the news
Not sure I can ever forgive
You for that walk to her door
Then again, I guess I have no choice
Forever

Your children were with me
For the first 48 hours
The first time in a year I'd seen them
Now they can visit anytime
Forever

All that's left is a box of ashes
Cracked photographs of the two of us
More of the whole family with you missing
There will be more
Forever

With all of your pain and not taking my hand
When you needed it most
It may be selfish, I know
But I won't see your signature smile again
Forever

Take me down while standing tall
into shattered pieces fall
laughing now tears rush by
rolling down from this high
what is known, what is seen
wash this battered mind to clean
watch me smile here and past
rictus grins that will not last
knowing of the pain to come
colouring each and every moment fun
screaming now in joy or pain
always have they felt the same
only in this sea at dark
when light is gone and hope depart
there i find that fateful step
to take me up the ***** so swept
then i smile, i laugh once more
offer myself as emotions *****
though in that moment of breathlessness
where i don't have to face this test
there is a hope that i'll just stop
no more struggle to that top
dear ocean then, call my soul
let me pretend that i am whole
for i would swim the waters again
please, let me swim the waters again.

He looks so out of place curled alphabet pajamas against pale blue cotton sheets
Leaving me intravenous tube tongue tied
Wishing it was my veins the poisons were running through
Cause this green eyed baby doesn’t know the opposite of life yet

Shattered glass whispers from the hall slingshot my heart into my throat
At six this reality should be as far away as Pluto
This word that consumes life
It should be tucked away in the closet behind any monster that lingers there when the lights are off

He isn’t ready for the liquid filled lungs to take over and steal his breath
He doesn’t yet know any synonyms for love or how you feel invincible in the arms of the right person
He doesn’t yet know the imperfections that fill the world
He still believes in the magic that spills out of his favorite books
And still trusts without question
He hasn’t had time to grow into the person he was meant to be

I am not one to believe but lately I am thinking that
Whoever fills the sky
Please
Let it be my lungs
Let it be anyone but him