I still wake up some nights
with the taste of your tongue on my lips
my dreams are so vivid
I can feel your fingertips on my skin

when I close my eyes tight enough
I can hear your heartbeat as my head rests
on an empty pillow

your ghost lives in my room,
in our bed

dear mom

you planted my heart
in a *** of hope
and watered it with forgiveness,
you were not disappointed
when I bloomed into an exact version
of you

but I was disappointed
when I fell in love with men
who left,
just like my father did

As I lay in his bed full of secrets
I ask myself
Why i allow myself to be one of them

you are not convincing me
by pressing your palms against my inner thighs
to spread them apart
you are not convincing me
when you push my shoulders deeper into the mattress
you are not convincing me
when your lips are pressed to my ear
telling me I like it

you are forcing me,
you are taking away my power
to say no

and that
is not consent

There’s nothing worse than feeling so completely and utterly sad you can’t even cry. You can’t even stand up. You can’t even open your eyes. Nothing makes sense. Not the weather. Not the date. You can’t tell the mornings from nights because your mind is dark whether the sun is shining or not. It’s a numbing feeling. Completely numb. You couldn’t feel a knife going through your chest numb. It’s the kind of sad you don’t come out of. The kind of sad that consumes you. No ones voice could make this better. No ones embrace could make this better. No drug. No alcohol could make this better. No warm bubble bath or junk food could make this better. No man. No woman. No human could make this better. I’m not even sure that death could make this better. I think even when I’m gone, I will be in pain.

you can tell me you hate me
but you will never hate me
more than I hate me

My heart gets heavy
each time you speak to me
like you are the king
and I am merely a peasant
asking for a little more than you give
only to better our village
that has been falling apart
since your ruling

Hate rolls off your tongue
In the same formation
As blood drips down my wrist
My lungs are collapsing
Due to the list of disappointments
You piled on me like bricks
I am alive
But I wish I wasn't

I wish I wasn't.

no excuse in the world
will ever make up
for the way that you never
allowed me to say no
without a reason
that made sense to you

Hi, my name is NotGoodEnough
But you can call me:
BadListener
Uninterested
Indecisive
TooTired
Lazy
Boring
Uncomfortable
Insecure
Or Unfocused
                          At least, that's what he calls me

my body
is still my body
even after
you have left your fingerprints
behind

take your apologies
to the grave with you
because I refuse
to hear
sorry
after each mistake
you promised you wouldn't repeat

if love feels like
salt water eyes
empty beds
heavy hearts
wet pillows
red scars
shaky hands
quivering lips
dark circles
sleepless nights
worry worry worry

I don't want love at all

I got so accustomed
to giving away my body
to fulfill his needs
I forgot about my own need
to love myself,
as a human
as a woman
as anything but
just a body to give away
to men
who would never love it right
anyway

I am so sorry
that you have had to adapt to your name being "woman"
I am so sorry
that your pleas for help,
are referred to as *******
I am so sorry
that you learned to laugh it off
in the evening after he raised his voice at you
I am so sorry
that you are reminded daily that without him
you wouldn't last in this world
and I am even sorrier
that your son grew up
watching his father speak down to you
because now he treats me
the way you have been treated

Anger swims through my mind
doing the backstroke
around each opportunity
I have walked away from
due to my mental illness;
which has stripped me
of every chance I had
at becoming something more
than this.

She wants so badly to better herself
to get an education
and to love herself
To learn more about independence
and become that
But how do you better yourself
when your legs don't work
because your mind doesn't want them to
How do you get an education
when your eyes cannot stay open
because you were up the previous night
trying to find one reason
not to **** yourself
How do you become independent
when you have only ever watched
the women in your life lean on a man
How do you become something
when you believe
that you are nothing

the amount of overwhelming guilt
that floods my body each day
has me questioning
whether or not
I am well enough
to love somebody
who seems to be too well
for me

Every time
I see a father with his daughter
I feel the need to thank him
For being good to her
Because she probably isn't as appreciative
As she would be
If she knew what it was like
To live without his love

I wish I could trust,
The way you speak to me
But I can't help
Watching the lies flow,
Out of your curved lips
Like its natural.
Every time your face
Gets a little stiffer than usual,
Every time I can hear your heart
Skip a few beats
I only wish, I was worthy enough
Of your honesty

That's all I've ever wanted.

I am not unintelligent
Because I am young, or new
I am blooming
I am resilient and learning
I am pure
    And once I get to the place
You always told me,
I could not reach
I won't laugh in your face
But smile in your direction
Thanking you
For shaping my petals
Because they bloomed
In spite of you

I hate to say
I love him so much
that I am not myself without him
I love him so much
that I am not human without him

my legs are immobile
my heart shudders instead of beating
my hands shake in steady vibrations

I love him so much
that I lose another interest each day
to make sure nothing ever comes before him
I love him so much
that I have stopped loving myself
so that he is the only person I need to care for
I love him so much
that I no longer exist
I am killing myself
by loving him

A fantasy
That embeds its ideals
Within the nicer parts of yourself
And erases what humanity
You had left
Replacing it with destroyed views
With destroyed hopes
Leaving love making
Unsatisfying
Making your lover feel
Unsatisfying
You will never be satisfied

I'm ready to leave you
Completely unsatisfied

I don't think I'll ever stop being sad

I can admit
Some days I feel pretty
Just not pretty enough
To hold your hand
Not pretty enough
To kiss your face
Not pretty enough
To be the only star
You see
In your sky

Even if I was pretty

I would never feel pretty enough,

For you

I am ready to be alive
But I'm not sure how to live

Suicidal thoughts come more often than not, and I wish instead of giving you tips on how not to be suicidal, I could hold you.
I know loving yourself isn't as easy as telling yourself you are beautiful once a day.
You shouldn't look for ways to hide your scars, but ways to embrace them.
You don't need to be naked to make him love you.
You don't need to be naked to make him love you.
You never need to be naked to make anyone love you.

the art
of moving forward,
or dare I say- on
is the type that is too beautiful
to ever be drawn
acted
or done
the art of moving forward
is the sweetest kind
and if you ever figure it out
please teach me

because art,
  was never my strong suit

I spend more of my time with him;

thinking of the ways he will leave me.

To write love on her arms
You take your finger
And leave prints all over her heart
You fill her mind with flowers
Her stomach with butterflies
You fuel her energy
With hopes and dreams about the future
And then
You stop watering her flowers
You rid of her garden
And the butterflies migrate
To a happier place
You no longer fuel her body with love
But with absence

To write love on her arms
You give her every memory
Every word you never meant
And to write it,
The knife

I wish I fell in love with drugs,
instead of you.

Please
Tattoo the words
I am not good enough
Into my skin
So I will never trick myself
Into thinking otherwise
Because when I think perhaps
I am
My pride falls out of my chest
And drags on the ground
Leaving behind each broken piece
That I'll never be able to find
To put myself
Back together
So please
Save me the embarrassment
Carve the words into my skin yourself
So I won't have to

"Don't you want me to enjoy myself"
Because without agreeing
To everything he asks of me
He cannot enjoy himself
Because everything I do for him
Is not nearly enough for him to enjoy himself
"Why would you look at other naked girls?"
I had to ask full heartedly
"Isn't my fault you don't send me pictures"
As if my body in his bed everyday
Cannot satisfy what he wants
As if my giving, warm hands
Holding every bad day he has
Cannot satisfy what he wants
AS IF my over sized heart
Staying through all of the bad times
Cannot satisfy what he wants

I am not sure anymore
If he deserves the satisfaction
Of enjoyment

His warm smile kisses my deepest pain
While I watched my own sadness **** the sunset in his eyes
The monsters in my head
Are the same monsters who swallowed his happiness
Our fire was no longer beautiful, but dim
It eventually burnt out,
and turned everything darker than
the night
He stopped telling me I was lovely;
And I stopped feeling safe in his embrace
My desire to be adored
Left us lost and broken
...

I used to only feel beautiful
Posing for naked pictures
Receiving comments back that read
"**** baby look at that ***"
Like my *** could compare
To what I held inside
I used to only feel beautiful
When they would stare at my chest
Like my mouth didn't breathe air
In and out of my lungs to make my
Beautiful heart beat
I used to only feel beautiful
While they pinned me down
Touching parts of me I didn't even know
Existed

They called this,
"Daddy issues"

And let me tell you
There is nothing beautiful
About filling a void
With childish boys
When you've only ever been looking
For a man
Whom will never love you more
Than your daddy should have

When you feel not good enough for another human?

Does this mean you are no longer good enough for yourself?

I hope you are doing okay;
Even on days darkened with rain.
There is more to this life than pain
Please don't waste your time away,

Ashing cigarettes in their tray,
And swearing his name in vain-
I hope you are doing okay;
Even on days darkened with rain.

The way you are seems so cliche,
And things are more or less insane.
Think of angels, sparkling like champagne
Singing loud above this cafe-
I hope you are doing okay.

Disown.
You throw the word around,
like you understand it -
like you truly think you are the one
who has been disowned.
My life has been unimportant,
           I have been neglected,
deemed not good enough.
Why is it that you resent me
when I was the one disowned
by you,
           my father -  someone who is supposed to love me,
   but instead
left me.

I'm picking up pieces of something
that doesn’t exist.

So don’t dare
let the word ‘disown’ slip out of your mouth,
unless you are apologizing
for what you’ve done
to me.

It's ironic really
That I can never write my feelings down, until I'm crying so hard I can't see the paper and my hand trembles worse than my fathers body during withdrawals
After many years of wasted water I finally realized taking three showers a day wouldn't wash this depression from my skin. They say things will get better with time but I think the arms on my clock have Alzheimer's because they keep moving backwards and it seems to be a perfect representation of my life. I once found out that my boyfriend watched **** and I forgave him but I didn't realize every time a movie was on I would imagine his eyes glued to the actresses naked body....  I wanted to be that naked body. It's insane what insecurities can do to a person. I think my father failed to tell me I was beautiful because I didn't warm his soul like the ******* did but I swear I could have if I had the chance. But my chances left at the same time he did and lately I've concluded that I need to stop blaming myself for him leaving. I need to stop blaming myself for not being that naked body in the pictures. I've realized that no amount of warmth and comfort can stop me from crying tears that I should have cried years ago and opening umbrellas inside isn't going to shield me from the amount of rain this world brings. Dream catchers won't catch my bad dreams anymore-I'm just too old. Or maybe I've never been old enough. I lost my innocence at the age of 5 when my mother told me my father was in jail. I lost it again at age 15 when I didn't object to a grown man stripping me of my dignity and virginity, because I wanted to be a beautiful naked body. And now I am that naked body, wasting water by taking 3 showers a day because I need to wash this depression off my skin, I've got to get it out of my skin.

If I were to lose you
I can already taste the pure regret I would choke on each time I heard your name
My pillows would turn into my most hated possessions because the smell of your hair lingers between the fabrics and I can't seem to let go of them
I would start showering 3 times a day again to try and wash your fingerprints off of my body
By the time I dried off I would already be crawling into the last tshirt of yours I owned
I would take up drinking because the hangover felt much better than missing you and alcohol washed every word you've ever said right down the hatch
Lastly,
going to sleep knowing someone else is your muse could honestly be enough to **** me
So I would take an extra sleeping pill just so I could see your face with mine, and not someone else's
If I were to lose you

after many years of wasted water
I finally realized
taking three showers a day
  wouldn't wash this depression
   from my skin

I wish the alcohol would **** me
like it killed the relationship with my father
it made something so beautiful
nonexistent
I wish the alcohol would **** me
peacefully of course
perhaps with a smile on my face
because without alcohol I wouldn't have one
oh how I wish it would **** me
so you no longer could

Darling you cannot fix me
For I am not an object
I am a broken heart
But broken hearts are just metaphors
And I am still living
And as long as my heart is still beating
It can't be all that broken
And my lungs couldn't have completely
Caved in if I'm still breathing
And my eyes couldn't have closed out
All happiness if they still open everyday
But if I'm still a beating heart, breathing lungs, and wide eyes
Why does my heart only pump sadness through my veins
My lungs only breathe in hatred and shame
And my eyes only see the things that broke me
Darling you cannot fix me
For metaphorically,
I am a broken heart
Caved in lungs
And hazy eyes

don't forget to say I love you when you part
she will not think it was an accident but a hint towards you letting go
on days that she can't find her smile
lend her yours
your shoulders
your arms
on days she can find it, let her know how beautiful it is
when she watches the moon
watch her
create art with your eyes, using her face as inspiration
turn her eyes into stars
and her cheek bones into skyscrapers
try not to let her feel like she is alone
this will happen often, just hold her
sometimes words aren't needed
tracing your fingers up and down her spine will say enough
lastly,
if you leave fingerprints on her heart
be prepared to wipe them off before you leave

it's true really
that we love the things that hurt us
we love the man who lays his hands on us
we love every bruise
we love the racing high
that swallows our entire bodies in the night
we love the glass that leaves us
with red streams of broken dreams
and scars that we pray will fade
next to the ones he had already left
we love all the things that could **** us
perhaps
it's because we all want out
but cowards don't do it themselves
they fall in love with the monsters that will
do it for them

I know I love you
Because when we sit to watch the sunset
I'd rather watch you
I know I love you
Because when I go to sleep at night
I pray to heaven above I will never lose you
I know I love you
Because on rainy days without you
I spend my time writing poetry
That has your name written all over it
I know I love you
Because your embrace is the only thing
That makes me feel safe
Because your smile is the only reason I want to wake up everyday
Because a life without you
Would just not be worth living
I know I love you

I know you love me
Because you tell me

relapse can taste so sweet
sometimes I wonder if cutting has the same effects as *******
heroine
****
we are all after happiness and freedom
we all crave what each action gives off
maybe it's the high
maybe it's the release
the rush
the fullness
because while everything else failed
it was still there waiting for you
with open arms
maybe that's why
we all love
what destroys us

I used to let the thunder scare me
creep under my skin and wrap around my bones
I let the lightning electrocute my soul
but I never let the rain fall upon my skin like your hands did

and now I spend stormy nights sitting in the rain
letting it run down my arms like you used to
hoping the thunder wraps around my bones
and praying the lighting electrocutes more than just my soul