Whiskey kisses my lips,
and tickles the back of my throat
in friendly warmth.

My fingers are cold in the rented room I live in,
typing all feeling left in them into my laptop.

I am writing.
Writing hard about the things
that deprive me of sleep.

I am drinking,
just a nip here
and
there,
To trick my brain
into letting the truth escape.

How can something you love
Become a crutch when it brings joy
It's what you love to do
Been there through the tough time
Trust it more than people
Able to relax tell these feelings
Share emotions without criticism
The collection of notebooks has grown
Over the year with new thought ideas
Not drinking or being self destructive
Writing has been ways to cope
Escape addiction tempting urges occurred
Let it out with ink free from it all
Get it out of the system writing on the pad
Feels like no one cares or understands
Not sure anymore but not hurting others
Not trying to get hurt been betrayed many time before
Prefer to not be in that situation anymore

“Honey, you can’t keep living your life to please people.”
But that’s how I survive.

Someday
I won’t be quiet
When I want to scream about injustice.
I won’t hold myself and cry,
I’ll cry in plain sight
And show that what someone said wasn’t okay.

I’ll leave when I want to,
I won’t talk to those who hurt me.
I’ll tell people when they’re rude,
I’ll speak up
When I want to.

But now...
I’m at the mercy of others.
I live to please
Or I don’t get to live.

This is the time of my life
Where I raise my hand
And ask permission.
When I nod politely
At unfairness,
Where my knuckles are clenched white
Behind my back
As I accept whatever treatment I receive.

I do dream of being free,
Make no mistake,
I’m not happy this way.
But this is how I must stay
To survive.

Up early still dark
Quiet not so much chaos
Time to wake rather be sleeping
Thoughts not so loud
Moment of blissful silence
Not making things worse
But focused on better things
Felt taken for granted
Now things are better
Overwhelmed with joy
Not distracted by bad behavior

‘...To your own bed now, or...”
You kiss my neck.
I’m tangled around you,
With my hand
Underneath your boxers
Caressing your hip.

You whip my hair
Out of my face
And kiss me,
Hard and unwavering.
You squeeze my breast,
And climb on top of me.

I roll you back over and kiss you softly.
“All right.”
We quickly break away from each other.
“I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow,”
“I love you too.”

I pull my pants on,
And lean over your bed
Demanding one last kiss.
You grab me
And pull my body to yours
With ease,
And for a moment we’re tangled up again,
Your leg between mine,
Rubbing,
And thrusting yourself against me.
And I kiss you
long and unrelenting.
Then I pull away,
Whisper
“Sweet dreams,”
And you mutter a like reply.
And I leave.

Yes,
We’re being good.
But,
We’re still having a bit of fun.