you have brought
my sweetest nightmares to life.

the day i have been waiting for
is finally here,
and i know i should be joyful,
ecstatic, even.

you’re no longer in my life,
as far away from me as possible—
now you can be happy.

(i know what i’m like
and i know you
were never happy with me.)

however,
you made up most of my routine
and i was never one for change
but suddenly you’re gone
and i don’t exist.

(i’m selfishly hoping you’ll come back.)

as i open my eyes with a gasp
i realize,
you are really gone now
and this is not
just a bad dream.

(at least when i see you
from far away
you are finally smiling.)

i saw you there that day.

i want to be upset with you,
you who promised
never to turn your back on me.

you who promised
to catch me when i fall.

it was cold that day
not because of the heavy rain
that fell from the glacial skies
and landed on my skin,
mixing in
with my warm tears.

it was cold that day
not because of the frosty winds
that turned my fingers red
and made my heavy breath
visible for us to see.

it was cold that day
because you stared straight at me
with frigid eyes.

you saw me there.

it lasted a second
and i remember
watching you
through my tears,

watching you
turn your back to me,
pretending i didn’t need you.

i want you to know
how much i hate you.
i want you to know
how much i despise you.

i want you to know
the betrayal
i felt
when you walked away.

you turned
my warm summers
into icy winters.

and i refuse
to let you sit in your
pleasant paradise
while i suffer
arctic temperatures.

i will come to you soon,
with raging fires,
fuming earthquakes,
outraged floods,
and wrathful storms.

and i
will sit and watch
as you try
to pick yourself up,

the same way i had to do
when you destroyed me.

“i’ll be back to normal soon,”
is what i tell you
during one of my “episodes”
and
you smile.

you smile
and you say
“that’s good,
i’m glad.”

i pretend not to feel hurt.

i know
you don’t know
when i say
“back to normal”
what i mean is
i will reel in my emotions
once again,
and i will shove them
in the bottle
that’s been overflowing
for years.

when i say
“back to normal”
it means that
i will pretend
to be what you have
imagined me to be.

so i will smile
my fake smile,
and laugh
my fake laugh,
if only
to make
you
feel better.

and while you
are done “worrying”,
i will hide myself
and tear myself apart again
only this time
without you knowing.

you tended to parasites,
thinking they were blossoms.

you expected them
to grow around
and into
the person
i used to be.

you expected something beautiful.

but now,
vines are constricting me,
growing around me,
curling inside me.

insects are scuttling on me,
through me,
they are a part of me.

i am made up
of parasites,
of weeds,
and wilted flowers.

everything good in me
has been devoured by
everything bad you've cultivated.  

(i reach out to you,
hoping you will feed me
with praises,
with smiles,
with gentle intentions.)

but you water me
with hurtful words,
disappointed gazes,
and angry actions.

you expect
a paradise
in me,

and you are disappointed
when you see a barren wasteland
in the person
i was supposed to be.

and i am disappointed
because i cannot grow
the way you want me to
with the way
you nurture me.