There had been a few signs before,
But the hurt from before had me incredulous,
Wary and cautious;
I did not want to be the fool.
There had been a few signs before,
And I pretended they did not exist.
That weekend I chose to be myself,
Or so I thought.
Every now and then I caught myself
Looking for you from the corner of my eyes,
And seeing you looking at me head on.
I did not want to understand.
The day progressed into night,
Oh and how young the night was.
I sat on the hotel bed,
Surrounded by so much youth,
And feeling so old.
You with your chess,
And I with my book of Benedetti poems,
Me, pretending to flirt with
The cute accent of somewhere down South America,
And you pretending not to care.
The girls fawning over this person,
And I could only see you,
As the night blurred more and more,
With that elixir, the one I associate with love,
With you,
My roots and my sky.
I began to read out loud,
And I chose each line carefully,
Each poem for you in a room full of people,
Where my only audience was you.
Slowly, every drop was burning through my resolve:
Somehow we were somewhere else,
There were more people now.
There was that guy with his arm around me,
But all I noticed was you in front of me,
Watching, silent, a little concerned,
But appearing aloof.
That woke me up: I had had enough pretending.
I went back, and you followed, concerned
And I so, so confused.
I thought I wanted to be alone, like I had always felt,
But then I, I felt so relieved,
With your steps soft and carpeted behind me.
I said I was confused.
You said, it's ok if you choose him.
I thought you were crazy.
For a second I wondered if you were that anxious,
That anxious to get rid of me,
That you could see me
With the first loser that showed his face.
I said, I have and will continue, to choose you.
You stood quietly.
We sat down.
You said you'd understand.
I told you I wanted you.
Did I want to go to sleep?
I was losing myself in the buzz, and I nodded.
It was natural from then on,
How you slipped into the covers with me,
For the first time,
And my body turned towards yours,
My arm wrapped around your neck,
My face nestled under your neck.
Not assuming, not imposing,
But effortlessly,
And you held me, without malice,
But tenderly and sweet instead.
And we continued to whisper to each other.
Me asking questions and you soothing them,
Until you began to drift off
And I thought I was talking to myself when I said
Your name, and you simple murmured a "mm?"
And I said,
"Open your eyes. Look at me,
I am still here,
Like always."
And I settled into your breath, your skin,
And prepared to drift off.
It was some time into the dawn
And I felt the urgency of asking you,
"Do you love me, even a little bit?"
And you hugged me tighter and said,
"Yes,"
Like a painful whisper.
I fell asleep with your smile on my face
And my lungs full of hope.
The next day was a blur,
I remember getting dressed
And how you kept looking at me,
Even though I still couldn't understand.
I remember the sneaked note that fluttered my stomach,
Too much coffee, you following me.
I remember going home, comfort in your arms, you walking with me to my house.
Lingering at the door, a kiss and goodbye.
Later that night you wished we could've talked,
And you ask to see me again tomorrow.
And I hear you struggling to tell me something,
And it's so obvious but I don't get it.
12/7:13