for all the times my consent didn't matter to you.
for all the times you told me that since we're in a relationship I should want to have *** with you.
for all the times I had to hide in the bathroom crying while looking at all the red marks and the bruises.
for all the nights I stayed up trying to catch my breath while you were sleeping beside me.
for all the times I cried during an act that was supposed to be intimate.
for all the times you grabbed me and said "please, baby, please? I love you"
for all the times you saw me crying because of the random man who tried to grab me on the streets.
for all the times I told you about my PTSD I suffered due to childhood ****** abuse.
for all the times you took advantage of me.
for all the times you hurt me, I am now going to conquer.

you have made me suffer through another type of abuse,
an abuse that many people don't realize real.
because of you, I suffered through domestic violence/marital ****.

I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

Flowers die off so soon
They are beautiful at the
moment they were born
but when they
wither away into the ground
no one cares, no one cries
because flowers are so easily
replaced by another bouquet of plants
the petals will fall and that is their demise
I am a flower

I am the dust in your bedroom
the kind that falls from the sky and
tumbles through the light
streaming through your windows
I am only visible to you with the
light of the Earth
I will stay on your floor and
you will walk all over me and
never know anything of it
You will kick me up and
I will leave you

I am not the blanket that covers
you up at night and keeps you warm
I do not deserve such a title
I am not the roof that keeps you safe
from the ongoing snow and rain
that happens in this town
I am not your lover, your friend
I am nothing

I am a ghost, an apparition
a wisp of non-existence

I took a walk down by the water
in the middle of the night that
parted myself from millions of others
and the loneliness I felt at that exact moment
can not be described by words
But, I guess I have befriended the
empty feeling in my chest for it is
something I feel without another near me
The darkness of the sky collided
with the paleness of the ground
and it reminded me of how perfectly
blended the complexion of your skin
and hair were together
The frost on the glass windows of
abandoned buildings were a metaphor
of the way my blood stopped pumping
ever since you ran away from
your regrets and fears; ran away from me.
Then the sun returned and awoke
the sleepy city that I felt alone in,
and the sky didn't remind me of you anymore.

my mind is a dark forest
that I was lost in
and when I met you
you were the path that
led me into the light
again

I am worried that one day
I will fade from your memory
for it is you who gave me hope
when I thought all was lost

I thought about you the other day
and it occurred to me that it
doesn't matter how many times
I wish you were still by my side;
how many times I say I miss you
because you aren't coming back
It's occurred to me that I will never
physically be with you again
I can't tell you how I'm doing
but I assume you're doing fine
or at least I'd like to think so
I sat there in silence
as my fingers went numb
and everything went silent
and I swear for a second I could feel
my heart and soul sinking into the
ground to try to bring you back up with me
God, I wish I could have woke you up
for just ten minutes
so that I could tell you everything
I wanted to tell you that I need you and that
I haven't made progress
I wanted to show you everything that
reminded me of you
I wanted to tell you everything I haven't
been able to say out loud or on paper
I wanted you to sit by me and tell me that
you miss me too and that I'm not really okay
I've tried so hard to remind myself that
you're in a better place
but I want that better place to be here with me
I've been having restless nights
clenching my fist and screaming into my pillow
because I became the person you
never wanted me to be but Im getting better
All I wanted was ten minutes to
tell you everything I should have
So I lay by your grave and try to remember
the way your hands looked or
the colour of your eyes when the sun
reflected off of them

Be the anchor that holds me
in this sea of mayhem
And the light that guides me
down the right path
I feel like my thoughts are as
destructive as a hurricane
Shelter me as I'm terrified of
this horrifying aftermath

Almost two years ago, the place I once called home began crashing down beside me while I was surrounded by flames. Who knew that with my suicidal ideologies I would clench on to my life as my lungs began to fill with smoke. When I was standing outside in a blizzard with a t-shirt, pyjama pants and no shoes on screaming while on the phone with 911, I watched all my childhood memories, home, and everything I've ever owned burn in front of me. The firefighters, the media, the company who salvaged anything they could and the town couldn't stop saying how lucky my step dad and I are to be alive; that we should not be here today, but we have an angel watching over us. The girl who who was hospitalized for attempted suicide and depression four months before this incident was begging for her life and is so thankful to be here today. I have learned that I am meant to be here, that I have a purpose. Who knew that being so close to death because of something I had no control over would make me love life, and everything about it. It was the fire that took everything, but gave me everything all at the same time.

I wish you got lost into my eyes
just like you do when you're reading
your favourite book

The worst part about putting so much love and trust into someone is watching them walk out the door they used to call home