I have run out of words to express myself.

I think I'm losing myself

In my obsession with beauty

Because I can't. ever. be. beautiful.

And there isn't a word

To explain

THIS kind of self-loathing.

You know why I'm obsessed with makeup?
You know why I literally BREAK. DOWN. when I see myself in the mirror on one of those REALLY ugly days that I have?
You know why I seem f!cking vain and beauty obsessed and attention seeking because of how self-deprecating I am?
You know why I am currently crying...alone...on my bedroom floor...kind of pathetically?

Because now I'm a little bit scared
That maybe I DO have a disease of the mind
Maybe I DO have something in my head that isn't right
It just seems so impossible
Because I mean
I look in the mirror
And all I see is this hideous shameful beastly girl
So ugly
In fact, I genuinely feel terrible for the people who have to look at me
and I don't know why
I just don't see how anybody could ever possibly think that I am pretty
And for some reasons I'm crying right now
And I feel really alone
But no no no
There is no way I really have dysmorphia
Is there?

I feel embarrassed
Like I come across shallow
And stupid
And makeup obsessed
Because I can't ever see myself as pretty
NOT EVEN ONCE
not even decent
Not even reasonable
I just. see. UGLY.
and ashamed of my face,
And ashamed of my obsession
With cosmetics
Because it is like the only medicine they made
To fix this affliction
Makeup can make up for how ugly I am
maybe it can fix me
maybe I won't hate myself anymore
but it never does
and I hate crying alone!

2012 was the worst year of my life
my best friend betrayed me
my heart was broken 16 times
the people closest to me caused all of it
i wanted to take my own life but
the thing is suicide takes a lot of courage and
i had none

2013 my best friend came to me crying
her life was falling apart
she had to take anti-depressants
no one understood what was going on
she apologized for breaking my heart
i told her she was partially forgiven
i pieced her back together

2014 i feel no emotion
i can still laugh but my heart feels no joy
sometimes i think that feeling nothing is a gift but
i’m only fooling myself
without emotion how the hell can i live?
before all the heartbreak it was impossible to feel hate
now that’s all i am

Today you were born.
Thank you for being here.
For being alive.
Making it through another year.
It does get better.
I promise.

I can’t say I Love You.
Because I don't.
But there is someone who does.
Perhaps more than one.
It’s okay if it’s just mom.
Or dad or brother or sister.

If you cut please don’t do it again.
I will tell you what I told my sister.
Put the blade to your wrist.
Hold it there.
Don’t move it.
Keep it there ‘til you aren’t upset anymore.

If you think about ending it all tonight.
Or possibly tomorrow.
Don’t.
All the events that led to this “solution”.
Write it all down.
And burn it.

If you have a broken heart.
Don’t pick up the ice cream.
Or any weapons.
It isn’t worth gaining weight.
Or the physical scars.
Curl into fetal position and cry a lot.

Don’t cry for too long.
Get up and look at yourself.
Say “It will get better.
I won’t cry for the same reason”.
Repeat until you believe.
Promise me.

If you lost someone dear.
Don’t hold it all in.
It will become too much.
Like waiting too long to ***.
The mess is horrible.
The smell: pungent and nasty.

Seriously though.
Mourn but don’t get stuck in the moment.
There isn’t a time frame for healing.
But don’t let grief to be the only emotion left.
Stand and move forward with them in your heart.
The ones still here need you.

If you are happy.
Truly happy.
Not with the material things.
But with your state of mind.
With your values and virtues.
I applaud you.

Don’t let them slip free.
You have strength so put it to good use.
Lift the others who deserve it.
Don’t waste your time with idiots.
But I can’t force you to do anything.
Do what you will.

How to deal with an addiction to hellopoetry:

Step one: Admit you have a problem

Step two: Start by limiting your time on it

Step three: Join a support group and share your feelings

Step four: Have the people in the support group talk to you about quitting hellopoetry.

Step 5: Slaughter everyone within a 10 mile radius with a chainsaw and go back on hellopoetry

Step 6: When the police knock on your door offer to help them sign up for hellopoetry.

Step 7: Creepily pet your chainsaw like a cat.

Step 8: Never mind, I'm too busy on hello poetry

You
Me
Them
They
Us
Her
Him

I need a break from all of that. No more memories. Please. Just stop.