my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.

i get ****** up
so i can forget the hurt
i'm sitting here dizzy
i don't know where to go

i pick up my phone
and stare at your name
but i know you won't answer my call

i'm dead asleep when you wake me up
i always answer
and you don't even say hello
you just do some ****** up ****
and hang up the phone

but tonight i won't answer
your late night calls
i won't let my heart race
to the shrills of your ringtone

my heart is racing with the pumping of my veins
the pounding in my finger tips
the hot ring of fire around my eyes
the thrill of knowing i'm ****** up
and not off of you

i won't answer you anymore
i know you don't care
what i do to myself anymore
if i'm ****** up, i'm just ****** up

just stop calling me when your girlfriends asleep
waking me from my vicious dreams
because you decided to remember me

I feel so alone
Just my thoughts and I.

I hate them,
Though they must love me.
They follow me everywhere I go
They are the base of my dreams
They are my breakfast, lunch and dinner
I'm overweight with thoughts
But I have a problem
As full as I get, I never seem to stop being hungry
Always this feeling of an empty void
A swirling black hole that will never be satisfied
No matter how much I put in to it
I will forever be obese

Appetite for Self Destruction

I'm nauseous

I like to think
that i am not alone.
That if i needed;
someone would be there.
That my call would get answered
or my love reciprocated.
But i know make believe
is for children;
not the lost souls
who are just
lonely.

a.n.p

I’ve been doing all wrong
for what now feels like too long
and I’m feared that my fears gone
cause minds been gone for eons
so i’m depicting new reasons
to live on
i’m so odd
i’m an oddball
standing on the cliff so close that the rocks fall
too busy too notice another missed phone call