I press send
And for a moment I pretend that you will notice me.
And that you'll care enough to respond.
But I think I'm lying to myself.
And I think it's time to stop watching my phone.
Waiting for a response that'll never come.

She died as she lived
Hating herself for what she wasn't
And resenting others for what they could be
With a look of envy and despair permanently carved on her face.

They say that the sun also rises
And that it's always darkest before dawn
They say that time heals all wounds
And that tears dry on their own
They say that the pain is only temporary
And that you should keep pushing through
They say that the storm is almost over
And that you only get rainbows after rain
They say that this life is worth living
That you should just give it one more chance
That say that your heart won't always hurt
And that you will find someone new
They say that you won't always feel broken inside
And that you'll get your chance at happiness too
They say to pray and keep the faith
Dear God I hope they're right
For if they are then there is hope
That we will be alright.

I run to the place
Where soul meets body
An inchoation
Of something new
Dance on the edge of eternity
Sleep among droplets of morning dew

Turn your eyes towards the sun
Graze briefly upon the face of God
Find the calm in the chaos of the constellation
There is no yesterday
Or tomorrow
There is only now

I jumped of the edge of the world
With nothing but faith to catch me
And fell in love with the idea
That I'd be falling forever

Into the nothingness
Deeper and darker than the saltiest sea
Where time and space are a myth
And true freedom exists
That's where you'll find me
At the bottom of the sea
At the bottom of the sea

If I traveled the mysterious labyrinth that is your mind,
Would I find your truth?
The secrets that you try to hide
The pain that makes you, you.
Would the world look so different
If I saw it through your ocean blues?
Would the path be less rocky
If I walked it in your shoes?
This wall you've built around you
Has stones that are made of mirrors.
There are cracks along the surface
And fingerprints on the glass.
There's a loneliness in your laughter
But your brave enough to smile.
And though you've seen plenty of storms
You see the sun behind the clouds.
There is strength in you stride
Even when problems weigh you down.
And though you've been hurt
You put your heart out there every once in awhile.
I may only have grazed the surface
But I know this much is true
There are a million tiny pieces
That make up broken beautiful you.

We walk along the edge of the sea
The sands of time beneath our feet
The stars above make love to the sky
The moon above, our guiding light
Your gentle touch, washes me clean
We dance with the wind, cry with the rain
Your love wraps around me, makes me whole again
Your melodic voice, silences my fears
The tide comes in, the time has come
We walk hand in hand, towards eternity
When the people come looking, all they will see
Are footprints in sand
A memory

She sits
The need to be seen
To be touched
To be reminded that she still exists
Eats at her
Her body is a broken mess of  sharp edges
Eyes thickly lined in black
Stomach drawn in
Lips painted the color of ***
Hoping her foundation will cover her sin
And she wonders
Could anyone find this tragedy beautiful?

I am she
The girl with the scarred skin
Could anyone find this body beautiful?
Playing Russian roulette with death
I am easy to forget
Body used as currency
I pay for a moment of their affection
Their touch burns my skin
But I'm a glutton for pain so I let them in
And I hate myself for this
But I really only know how to exist when I am wanted

She sits
Eyes cast downward
Lest someone see the truth that lie behind them
See the fear
And the shame
The need to be held
To be loved
To be somebody's somebody
Eats at her
And she is broken
And sad
And lonely

I am she

The click clack echoes of cheap stilettos on cracked pavement let you know she's near
There is no fear in her eyes
Lined thick and black as the night sky
For she is the goddess of these blocks
And men would sacrifice their blood and sweat wages to worship in her temple

She is a walking master piece
Crafted in the shaky hands of abandonment and abuse
It took nineteen long years to create a soul so dark you could get lost just staring into it
And she's been trying to find her way back to herself for years

She is a walking tragedy
Of Shakespearian proportions
Her love stories are not so romantic and clean
They usually take place in some stranger's back seat
After some hastily exchanged words
Some stranger's rough cheek
Pressed harshly against hers
And from the outside it could almost be called love
Two people finding themselves in the arms of another
But still being completely alone in the world

This is her existence
Moonlit rendezvous
Short skirts and fishnets with holes up the sides
She's just someone to call during the lonely nights
And as they spread her thighs
They don't realize that they're filling her and killing her at the same time
She sells her body and her pride on these streets just to survive
No one knows of the little girl that hides inside that cries inside
That begs you with her eyes to save her from herself
Save her from these streets
Kiss her on the cheek and let her ride in the front seat
She doesn't care where you are going
As long as its away from here
Where ever you and she stop will be called home
And she will finally be allowed to rest.

I've lost my voice
Have you seen it?
My mother said it was like sunshine dipped in liquid honey
But that may just be her memory paying tricks on her
Maybe it was stolen
By the man who took my cries for help
And locked them between my teeth
Or maybe I've  just forgotten where to look

I've lost my laugh
Have you seen it?
My mother said it was like the birds that chirped to wake the morning sun
It still echoes off of the empty walls of my heart
Like a memory of the fluid happiness that once flowed from my lips
I miss it sometimes

I've lost my smile
Have you seen it?
My mother said it was like a rainbow
Each imperfection a different color blending to make something truly beautiful
Maybe it's hiding behind the thick clouds that weigh heavy all around me
Maybe it got tired of waiting for the weather to change

I've lost my hope
Have you seen it?
My mother said it gravity
Keeping me connected to the earth and moving forward
Maybe it married my sanity and they ran off together
I haven't seen her in awhile either

I've lost myself
Have you seen me?
It's been awhile and I really think we need to talk
I'm starting to forget who she is

I've lost my voice
Have you seen it?
My mother said it was like the sun dipped in liquid gold
But that may just be her memory playing tricks on her again.

But maybe I've just forgotten where to look.

There these voices in my head
Saying they wish I was dead
Someone please
Help me

They exploit my hurt and fear
Whispering lies
They fill my ears
Someone please
Help me

They get louder in my dreams
Louder everyday it seems
I don't sleep
They don't stop
I'm on the edge
Because of these voices in my head

The voices they just scream and shout
Only this gun with get them out
I'm done living in perpetual fear
This ends right now
This ends right here

There were these voices in my head
They said that they wish I was dead
The voices are silent
They're not even in sight
I'll start my permanent nap tonight.

You don't want me as I am
But as you see me
I paint my face in layers of rejection
Hoping you'll accept my modified reflection
But I know you won't
I squeeze the least favorite parts of me into your favorite jeans
Hoping that you'll notice me
But I know you won't
I want you to want me
So I'll peel the skin off my body
Replace it with something shiny and new
I'm sure if I look more like a porcelain doll
I'll be more beautiful to you
I need you to need me
So I'll dye and straighten my hair
I'm sure if I copied Barbie's look
You'd take a second to care
About me
Maybe even enough to call me beautiful.
Notice me
Inject your overwhelming love into my veins
I want to get high on your affection
Suffocate me
Drown me in the tears you cry every time we are apart
And in my last moments I'll know that I'm the only girl that has your heart
Take my body
Fill me with that aching part of your body that needs to be served
Two slippery orifices
See
I am good for something
Just tell me what you want
Who you want me to be
And I'll be her
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
And I won't take no
For an answer.