Shoulders light
with the lifted weight
of being over you
I can now jump higher than ever
run faster than before
because I'm no longer longing for you

Suddenly my nails are the most interesting thing in the world
the room becomes smaller it starts to whirl
my hand's sweat, my mouth dry, feel like I'm gonna hurl
the buzz from my drink not enough to keep my calm
I curl my toes and take a breath
hope to god no one knows, that the anxiety doesn't show
I hold my breath and look around the room
feels like I'm drowning in a sea of familiar faces
My friends faces as foreign as those of strangers

you poisoned me
no, you didn't slip arsenic in my food
or spike my Shierly temple
but you left your memories
decaying memories, poisoning me
the toxins of tourniquet leaking
their erosive toxins into my mind
you may not be here
but your memories are
and so the scars
white scars on my wrists
gashes in my heart
i don't know where to start
because your torment has no end
i hope that it might somewhere around the river bend
but the only river i see is from my eyes
part of the watershed of regret
to the ocean of mistakes
i seem to be drowning in
your memory is suffocating
filling my lungs with dispair
Im gasping for air,
but my willingness to swim in fading
so i'm sinking and letting the memories flood my brain
wondering if im going insane
or if its just a side effect
of the poison you called affection
a medication that apparently turned "no" into "yes"
and hiking up my dress...
and the poision, you,
your memories eve the happy ones hurt
the happy disguise of a smile
that would ultimately lead to teary eyes
and trouble with other guys
all because you poisoned me
and its effects are lingering
its not just a one and done
its an std of  the mind
it stays around even after your gone
so check yourself and your actions
dont dare poison someone else
do not add to the watershed of regrets
i want clean water
to wash away my infected mind
but no amount of soap
or blades or nails
could possibly wash away  your posion
because now its part of me
congratulations,
you dont no longer have to posion me'
you've turned me on myslef
like some auto immune disease
of the heart and the mind
because i will never forget when i called you mine
and i wish i could,but its branded
so i'm left stranded
in my ocean of regrets and poisoned water shed

Her grip still holds you
hindering you from going
his hands still linger
keeping me from feeling

she controlled you
your words, your friends, your action
he lead me
lead me to believe what i didn't

she infected you
and the infection has spread
he hurt me
and the bruises aren't healing

she,he
she poisoned your mind
he's venom in my veins
they played us like pieces in their games

The next exercise of the day will be......

A mind game, is what they should say
A game where you push
And push, push ups and push yourself

A game where mind over matter
Is no longer a saying, its prayer

A game where in your mind, you remind
Yourself its all for the greater good

A game where "i wish i could"
Becomes i can and will

A game where pain is welcome in your legs
Because you love it there, you put it there

A game where you push so hard
Your vision is blurry and so are your limits

The next exercise of the day will be
Pushing the limit

1 ripple, 2 ripple,3-
thousand yards of straight swimming
water and waves
work outs seem to last for days
races short as nights

a mind that races faster than legs
running circles around  itself
I couldn't quite it
nor could anyone else

but when you're here it seems to fade
the racing mind
the tug of war of thoughts
it all goes quite

not a sound or a thought
a rag doll in your arms
an empty mind
a racing heart

Today something beautiful happened
I saw myself again
I looked in the mirror and smiled
not because i did anything special
or looked exceptionally nice
I saw my wide eyes and uneven elephant ears
my crooked, uneven, stained teeth
and saw the odd beauty in it
I saw that the pain my eyes have seen glisten
I saw that shy smile turn into one of bliss
I saw me for my flaws, black heads and all
the honest beauty for what it is

Every mirror should be framed because each relection is a masterpiece

I listen to conversations we have
well, conversation that you guys have and I  listen to
We stand in circles and chat back stage
well, actually, I'm more of a satellite
trying to  tune into the radio station
that says its an open network
but has fire walls that keep me out

just sitting in the kitchen
talking and joking
laughing with you
joking with your dad
baking something we just came up with we called
stuff, coated with chocolaty stuff, with other stuff in side it
that was some yummy stuff
simply because we thought it'd be fun
riding bikes because I **** at doing so
so instead of teaching me
we just biked better
The stuff that we do on Saturday afternoon couldn't be better

I love you
I sent it to you
And i meant it
You opened it i saw the dots
The one, two, three dots
Then they disappeared
And my heart sunk
One second of oh its okay
Its all okay hes just be distracted
Two, too busy right now
Life is hard for him right now
Three, one two three what about me
The anxiety rising. Until they disappeared
My heart hit the floor
With a painful crash and guteral roar
Hours pass and finally you write back
"Sorry didn't see that"
But you did, and you didn't say it back

Some things,
Are so engraved in you
You carve them into your skin

I am not lazy I'm just sick
but not with the typical case of senioritis
but with the one where your breathing actually sounds like an old man
and old man that smokes five packs a day
the one where your hunched over in sheetz
coughing like you should be in the hospital
it could be my body trying to get rid of the mucus that's plagueing me
but maybe it's other toxins
maybe it people and habits
my body forcefully pushing them away
because I finally got the wisdom to say I'm done

I sit here in the rain
in puddles of my own tears
it's been years, 17 to be exact
since i saw you last
I can hear what what I think is your voice,
here in the rain
it washes away the pain
maybe it's my mind playing tricks,
but I think i can hear your laugh
sitting here in the rain
the mud is thick
so here I will sit
till it washes the pain away

its that awful feeling of waking up
blindfold off and lights that shine too bright
memories come in a flash
sickness comes in waves
closed eyes, counting breaths
bad tasting breaths
truth screams shrill and harsh
face scrunched in confusion
hands in fists fighting for memory
too awake but longing for sleep
emotions dulled, colors bright
remembering the beautiful day
longing for a memoryless night

The taste of you lingers
Not like him not like
Strawberries, sweet strawberries
But like bad yogurt

You were supposed to be good for me
But you, you were artificially sweetened
With broken promises and false labels
A flaming feminist, who burned like acid

You were supposed to be good for me
But your sweetness turned sour
Butterflies turned to nausea
A sour aftertaste no amount of strawberries could erase

I wish the sour taste would go
That it would leave me alone
So i could enjoy the strawberries
I longed so much to taste but,

Your taste lingers
Even after months of strawberries
And weeks of salt
Your sour taste lingers

there's this little island
it doesn't have a name
its a place where people hold hands
but it's never the same

This island is always different
Its a pit stop
between lonely and spent
and lovey dovey slop

The nameless island
it's north of the friend zone
but it's not a couple's land
and time there seems to drone

so what is this little island?
that doesn't have a name
where people hold hands
but is never the same?

you told me to defend myself
and this is my defense:

I've bit my tongue so long it bled
I've listened to your preach
your time is up, shut up!

It's time for me to speak.

Every one says
            "Don't be a square"
but why be a circle?
             because its special,
but if its special
then let it be special, and let there be few circles
if we are all circles,

"then don't be such a circle"

I've never quite understood first dates
why dinner and a movie was standard  issue
like you can actually get to know someone
by sitting in a dark crowded room

You say im strong
But i dont see it

I dont see, the resilience you see in me
I dont look at my facing of adversity
As stregnth but as necessity

I dont see my lack of tears
Over years of thing gone astray
As a stregnth but as weakness
That i didnt show them less

You see the tears and call them honesty
I call them guilt, that you see me like this
That i am not as strong as i should be

This is not stregnth
But a showcase of my emotional stupidity
And my refusal feel until its to much
Its not stregnth that i hold back tears
Its a weakness that
i have come to beleieve Is a necesity

I wish i could be
Maybe its because i look to long
Or maybe its my awkwardness
Or my eyes light up when youre near
But thats something i cant control
I cant control my feelings or
My awkward glances and clumsiness
Unfortunately thats a 2 for one deal
Take my time amd get my heart
Buy one get one
Except im not good at the bye part
Because i linger and all the subtlety is lost

I'm no longer a sickly shade of paste
I'm a bright pink
cheeks hot, my heart fluttering
with every touch, every movement
because this moment
has me suspended in time
and floating in space
something the doctor couldn't even fix
I wouldn't want him to
this moment suspended in time you
a third world, our own space
every sentence, every word
spoken softly, trying  not to cut the strings
that keep us suspended in time
a moment  that would be a crime to forget
Don't let go, let me turn brighter pink
if it keeps us suspended in time

your arms wrapped around me
just sitting on the couch
humming along to the songs of our favorite movie
and I'm in that sweet spot
where I'm wrapped tight in your arms
rain pitter pattering on the windows
almost asleep but not quite
just at the edge of consciousness
where my leg twitches but I still know I'm in your arms
and i can still feel your breathing
with my head on your shoulder
still hear you laugh when I twitch
this sweet spot should last forever
but our favorite song comes on

In this business
it's sail of flop
it will **** if you let it
if your will isn't strong enough

there are girls who are 110
but still aren't small enough
some shoot heroine
encouraged by the adults around them
to get tiny and  frail,
to go to these extremes

Artist, going mad for inspiration
every stroke is do or die
every form in pottery needs to be perfect
meticulous planing for an 8 by 11 painting
even more for a portrait

Dancers, breaking their feet for the perfect point
****** toes from wooden toe shoes
not drinking or eating  to make weight
hours in the studio
rolled ankles strained muscles
but still moving art

Singers, not eating dairy
downing water every second
working bar till throats ache
holding sharps till they feel faint
hitting the highest note and cracking
hitting the lowest note and burning

Actors, baking under lights
quick changes, make up running
memorizing lines and monologues day and night
it's a cue line, so it has to be right!
mind racing to think of a cover  up for a missed cue
alone on stage it's only you

This business ,full of horrible truths
is not for those who would like to keep their youth
to thrive, to simply survive
you need a will as hard as nails
a strong heart
self respect
and able to so NO and keep on saying it
having a will,  a heart, respect
will get you farther than the rest

The daily despise for many
Morning delight for a few
The few who see the truth,
the worth, the value

the old-hearted
trapped in youth
the thirsty for knowledge
the ones who need to know
the natural born sleuths
the scientist
the ones who ask why

these are the few
who see dingy halls
and see success
this mind set puts them above the rest
these are the few
who see the truth

One day your "friends" will leave
and you'll come crawling back
to us,your friends you once had
But you see,
we are no longer friends
we will not take you back
and you can plead and say please
all you want, but it won't change.
because you treated us like ****
and we don't treat friends that way

I must be confused
because I never thought I'd see you again
I gave up long ago, I've let it go
and here you are
the past has caught up
because your here, standing right in front of me
and I see it in your eyes that you recognize me
but your not quite sure how, why
How could you not remember?
the Saturday swims, Trampoline tricks
Friday night Family movie
the long Tuesday nights a the studio?
How could you not remember?
we called ourselves sisters

the best actors
aren't the ones on stage
they're the ones with broad smiles
and chins held high
but inside,
they want to curl up in ball and cry
but, actors are supposed to bring joy
and entertainment to the world
so the must smile and never cry

people assume that between us that i'm the one with poetic words
words that make your heart melt and flutter

but, we know other wise
that i'm the one who gets tongue tied
who searches for words
ends up saying something that sounds more like alphabet soup
than, something witty and cute
because that's what you do to me
make my head spin, my thoughts trip and fall
make my heart flutter, make me turn red
the things you say that mess with my  head
in the very best way

I can sit here for hours
and think about thought
the phenomenon that takes place in the minds of ours
and by sitting for hours
I've got a part figured out
*If you are thinking about the act of thinking,
are you think about thinking,
or thinking about thought?

As if time could go slower
it drones on and on
the tick of that clock
a mockery, tormenting me
with every tick, tack, tock or ****
it is another time you've been gone

Innocence, the idea
Of a pure white cloth
Radiating in all its purity
But mine is stained
With the most gruesome tie dye

Black edged holes
That burn against stark white
Like emptiness in my soul

Red and pink stains
From the lust and desire
That burns like a sinful fire

Green smudges
Of greed so vast
Abd envy so deep
it consumes me

Brown spots
Not to be glorified by poetry
Just to be called the **** in life

Purple and blue
Not for the sadness
But for the cuts and bruises
The ones unto others and to myself

My flag does not wave
In glorious white
Its purity is stained
With the dye of life

I want you to know
The confident girl you see
Is a sculpture of shards,
Shards of glass and broken hearts
Held together by plaster
From the smile plastered on her face

Glass shards from the first time
The first time when nails werent enough
Glass from when the broken frame
Falling fron the dented wall


Shards of her once perfect life
Ran over by the swirving car
The night she saw....
The night she decided she had to stand tall
But even skyscrapers fall

A heart broken by ***** lips
And pounding hips
Lips that forced and lied
Tongues that whispered promises
But just lead to teary eyes
A heart broken from believing
Just to be left behind

This empty sculpture is filling
Recognizing its worth,
Recognizing theres stregnth in parts
She learning how to give you her heart

Her heart is broken, But forgiving
So she keeps on giving
Fi.ds the stregnth to keep living
Shes has given you her heart
Love her, love her smart

Cool beans, bonkers, groovy
some say i'm an old lady stuck in youth
I'm okay with that
Judy Garland's singing in the rain is my tune
so what if I'm stuck in youth?
I have new ideas
new views on the world elders wouldn't agree with
I'd be shun by some
so perhaps I'm not a Hip old lady trapped in youth
I'm a reformed old lady stuck in the good times

I've heard the rumors about you
but i never thought they were true
never thought you were a complete...
never thought you'd treat me like trash

i know i am a clumsy girl
but every time i see you i fall 10 times harder
I trip over my words
and fall on my face
the formation of coherent sentences is nearly impossible
but i don't mind falling
as long as i'm falling for you

none of this your fault
no matter what she has you believe
I know she's convincing
but you are so much better
you could do so much better
find a girl, one that doesn't make you feel this way
one that doesn't spend time with her ex every Sunday
this tug of war between you two
is painful to watch
we all fear you will topple in
and not be able to swim
so please cut, let go, drop the rope
that keeps you in this mess
she's a nice girl, just not to you
yes it will hurt her
but if you don't you will hurt too

In a instant it tumbles
Everythibg ive worked
Scattered on the floor
In a million peices
That seem irratreivable
My education, my sanity
My self esteem
Beleif i could be something
But somehow
Your warm embrace
Gathers the shards
So sharp and cold
And welds them together
To remind me
The tears on my face
Have a rightful place
Anf that its okay
To not be play

I know its time to turn the page
but the pages stick
they're damp and glued together
with my tears
turning the page means facing new fears
I want to turn back
go back to the last chapter
before one of my favorite characters left
and I'm not sure if she'll make another appearance
I hope so
I want to go back to before it started to crumble
I want so badly to go back
but i don't have choice,
I have to hit play and turn the page

He once manipulated me
Twisted and turned me
Like an indian burn
Little did id know id take my turn
I didn't want to hurt you
But hurt is all I've known
But you hurt me too
You lied and hid
I did what he did to me to you
You say to not be mad
Not to beat myself up
But seeing you hurt makes me sad
We had a chance but we ****** it up
Because all i knew was hurt
And all you knew was lies
And even when we laid side by side
Our views were twisted

when you are young
you trust the waves will catch you
like friends , when you fall

As you get older,
you realize the truth;
that there's a pestilence
in these once trusted waves

one that will take you under and out to the sea
while you try to grasp the friendly shores
where waves once caught you when you fell

A dog on a leash is led by its owner
and only by being aggressive can it be freed
As a dog, I am on your leash
you drag me behind and I try to please
I'm there for you when you need me
but you always leave
I cannot run
that would mean to hurt you
I have too big a heart
to put you what you put me through

At first it would just leak
Leak painful memories of you
You holding me, containing me

The leaks i could deal with
Each time patching up the hole
Tripple checking the lock

But i slipped up
Someone broke in and broke the lock
The gates are flooding

My eyes flood with tears
A tsunami of pain over the years
A deafening ringing in my ears

I try to clot the bleeding
But it never stops
And i pick at the scabs

I try to stop the flood
But it slips through my fingers
The pain linger

a long time ago i wrote about the feeling of  being over you...

I am now
Or rather, I'm pretending to be
You still make my heart strings chime
but your ears are clogged with dark memories
and I understand, I do
but i need you to understand
that I will never be over you
But i need to act like real people do
so I'll fake it till i make it
and someday you will too

putting on a mask of happy and excited
all the time, never being tired
because it would confuse people
but, it's exhausting
always acting like you have triple the energy you do
having to always be the one who pushes people
the trains out of fuel to the top f the mountain
to be the bright optimistic one in a sea of pessimism
its tiring, its draining
but its what we people must do
because no one else will
because they have not seen their darkest lows
and had to be their own bright light at the end of the tunnel
a light people follow

I can be tired too
I am in fact human
I do indeed feel sleepiness
I do indeed feel sorrow
but why dwell on sorrow if we are not promised tomarow