My heart has fallen
open in your hands,

red and swollen
it beats

consumed with desire
and lust

the capacity to
swallow oceans

and skies
words scattered

in a handful
of stars

to lead me back
to you

your feelings
are from thrift
shops and flea
markets

second hand and
well worn

frayed around
the edges

a hole in the sleeve

a hand-me-down
heart

how can I believe
anything you
say

as truth

when the same
words were
once kept

on a letter
close to the
chest of a

girl before

You have rolled away
from me - in your
sleep, a nightmare
that lives inside
the person next
to you

and not in your
head -no, you
dream, still

a beach, an empty
bar - people
reading over
cold coffee,

a quiet room.

Our room is so
loud - thunderous
roars of regret

hurricanes trapping
our hearts

not touching,
ever

as if your skin
is flames

as if those flames
have wings

that could fly
into my soul

and burn, burn
burn

leaving me a pile
of ashes

and hate

(thick, black
hate)

I curse the thunder
that tore us apart

I am drowning in the storm

the rain runs cold,
right down to my bones

you used to be my anchor
but now you’re just a ghost

haunting my heart

Their searching eyes devour me

starved, ribs opening the skin

like a dam busting a river

I am lying to myself, lying

when I say 'I love you'

I do not love, no, not like this

bare backed and pushed against a wall

begging, pleading, please,

a warning on my skin

red tape saying that I am

'fragile'

brown paper wrapping my bones

and a yellow hazard sign

hanging from my *******

When your hand
shook in mind
hope hit my heart like
a gun shot

my mind flickered
like the street lamps
falling, like stars
into the night

if you forget me,

as an animal, wounded by man,
forgets its natural predator

I will not weep, for the ocean
is already swollen with jilted
lovers tears

more so plant my feet, like roots,
where I stand

grow new skin over the injury

and wave my
healed, heart, hand
at the sun

The fault was not yours, and you’ll come to accept that one day

you will learn not to carry the weight of other people’s depraved actions on your shoulders

healing is not always the same as forgetting

but there will be moments when you forget, just for an hour, a minute, a second

collect these moments like pennies, buttons, pins

showcase them in your eyes, sparkling back into life

you were not buried in the dirt, my love

you were planted

If I could reach into your chest
and pull out your heart

twist blue veins around my fingers
and taste red arteries between my lips

If I could caress it gently
and coax out the words you never said

would that be love?

when your blood pours from you
and gradually makes its way
to where I stand

and I still stand, unflinching
in the crimson pool about my feet

would that be love?

I do not know how to
deny you anything

except my heart

I keep it locked inside my chest
like treasure

wrapped tight in veins
and arteritis

caged by bones
as strong as steel

it will take a braver man than you
to smash through

the layers of my chest
and break it

Heartless, they call me,
a silver dagger plunged
and twisted
into a red hot
*****,
knives severing arteries
and veins until I
unravel like dropped
wool,
my blood cells fighting
the infection of close contact
with a society
that would not stand
for me,
heartless isn't born,
it grows in the space
between love and hate,
blooms out of the dark soil
the seeds of shame and blame,
thrives when it's locked away
in a (rib) cage, behind bars
like a circus freak,
sometimes, I long to feel
but then I hear of heartbreak,
heartsickness, and I am glad that mine
does not beat...

I am here,
sort of, I guess
physically I
exist

I have bones
and pink
cheeks

but it doesn't feel
like living

just existing

breathing with
these muscles
that sit so close
to the one that's
dying

and I thought
you would call me
tonight

but the phone
didn't ring

even when
I wasn't looking
at it

I didn't think it was
possible to hurt like
this

I didn't believe
that men could
stamp on
your heart

feel it spread
beneath their feet

and not
care

You, there!
with three dogs wrapping
around you ankles

tell me. Do you see me?
Do you hear by
song? Silently sending
melodies. That reach out
like tendrils to the
heart  

strings. pulling,
pulling, the desperate tug
of a girl with
a day left to
live

Hell itself does not contain

fire enough for my heart

when my eyes see you

souls soaring into

a twisted wreath

to be laid at

Heaven’s door

Hold me, she said
don't fold under
the weight of
my heart

My eyes grow heavy as Osmium

as I carry the weight of your words

behind them

I make coffee at 3 am
and take it out to the porch
nursing the heat
between my freezing fingers

the stars smile down on me
I spell your name
like a new constellation
but I can't find you

here

I like to think
of myself

as a fruit
you've plucked

or a vegetable
you've pulled

from the ground

Sweet and Spring like

I fit into your hand
like a bud

that you make
blossom

I've hid the way I felt about you
for too long

my heart burning in my chest
with the embers of feelings
I have burnt

my breath catching in my throat
with the ashes of the words
I can never say

I am a ghost of who I was

pieces of me splintering away
like wood

my arms heavy with embraces
that can never be felt

my eyes clouded over with emotion
that can never be shown

It is not enough to say "I love you"
when my soul is a shadow

hiding what can never be known

Old enough to know better but young enough not to care,

I hold onto you like water clings to rose petals

a heavy due

in the morning, we take coffee with cigarettes

we exhale, eyes watering

two smoke rings blending then disappearing into the

ether

a missed opportunity, passes

we are joined at the hip, hip bones grinding against each

other

and in these shattered bones we build

a fire, a house

a home

I let my heart take over

when you kissed me
when your fingers lightly
brushed the skin on
my back

it was foolish
to believe you were
different from every
other man I'd ever met

to think that you would not
run the tires of your car
over my heart

drive over everything
I'd built my dreams around
my hopes of a future
filled with loving kisses
and tearful goodbyes

in one reckless
hit and run

To hold

your heart

in my hand

would be

enough

to feel

alive

I am not whole, you see,
for there is a hole that runs
right through the centre of me

a void of emotion
where fear, shame and despair

disappear from view

(from me)

rainy days can make my mind murmur, though
with a flicker of recognition

For even the sky cries, dear...

Even the sky

I once tried to love you,
but I have played this game
before, and know well enough
when I’ve lost

walking away would be kinder,
but I’m a glutton for punishment
and getting my heart broken
every day

when I roll over in the morning
and stare into your eyes, and
know you are staring straight
through me

but at least I spent the night
with the moon and stars, and fed
my soul a little, before returning to
this hollow love

I follow the arteries from your wrist

to the centre of your heart

and nestle my head into your neck

following the breadcrumbs of memories

and stolen minutes of bliss

I have found my way home

I am out
throwing breadcrumbs
to help me find
my way back
to you

you are out
with torches
burning down
the trees that line
the pathways

home

I was -
shackled

a body
trapped in
the bars
of a fist

but I have -
broken

the cage of
God

an angel
flying, wings
unclipped

soaring
soaring
soaring

sun marked
and faithless

he knew
he was
no match

for my free
spirited heart

that there was
no cage that
could keep
me

loveless
and bound
in fear

I am free
and guided
only by the
birdsong

that whispers me
home

There is no honour left in love,

a simple twist of the heart
that hurts like a *****

a kick in the teeth
whose lips were just kissed

the digging of nails into a back
that has turned and walked out the door

there is no honour left in love

only cold goodbyes and empty promises
words that have no meaning
actions that have no place
moments that are out of time

if it was a game, why did I lose
without knowing the rules?

a million stars could not spell the word

love

with the conviction that I feel it

the shadow of a smile in the dark

the brush of your fingerprints on my spine

and your heart, the hook of home

I imagine a hook
entering my
side

an eye

senses warring
blood and
muscle

nerve endings
frayed

it was a simple
touch,

the hand of a
man

broad and
bearded

rough skinned,

you could imagine
his fingerprints

worn down by
years of
scrubbing

bricks,

building houses
for children to
grow up in

raging walls
instead of
wars,

each goodnight
kiss fiercer
than the
last

the side of
my face

fitting perfectly
into his
thigh

I imagine a hook
gutting me

like a fish
bones pulled

mercilessly apart

spat out of
mouths

stuck
in people's
throats

I imagine a hook
piercing me

blood leaking
out of

a pinprick

ears, eyes
and nose

quietly, very
quietly

it puddles at
my feet

before I pass
out

I imagine a hook
holding me

by the neck

an example,
a terrible
warning

drained and
empty

I imagine a hook
imagining me

His gutting of me,
fishlike
a hook at the end of his finger
(curling)
& me
bare skinned at
his knees
the nakedness of
a child
innocent lines
& curves of
flesh. My
gapping thighs
withered
beyond the
cure of ***
& tone
death girls
place shells
to their ears
to hear the
roar of the
sea. A mighty
whitewashed
wave crashing
against the
shore
& in that
moment I
am shaking
on the end
of a line
at the
mercy of
the devouring
hands of
a man

You liked
    to run your fingers
            through my hair,
                twisting each strand into a smile

You liked
    to trace your fingers
            over my scars,
                fluttering, tapping out the rhythm of your thirst

You liked
    to run your fingers
            down my back,
                marking each bone with a kiss

Claiming the territory
                            
you know own

I don’t know how it happened

I’m just so glad that

it did

"How does it feel?"

to be bare bones
flesh burnt off
by unkind
words

to be numb inside
feelings consumed
by the darkness
that few understand
but too many
experience

to walk around half alive
your only hope
being that your
soul has somehow
survived what you
could not

I’m feeding myself snippets of memory
in the hope it will ease thebhunger I feel,
this hunger I’ve felt since you’ve been gone, ravenous and raw

I devour a lifetime of photographs,
so that I never forget the curves of your face
an “all you can eat” of your name
swallowing it over and over again,
so that my lips never forget it,

I am slow to realise that this hunger
is grief, triggering action
I sit with it long enough to soothe
the need to act on the fact I’m empty

to just be empty

and wait for your memory
to softly echo back to me

I have known
ravenous hunger
that bread does not satisfy
and thirst that water
does not quench

there is only you
waiting with your mouth
opening like a spring flower
about to blossom

the yellow stem of you
pushing dirt back into
the ground where your
brown roots have taken
hold and tied their knots

so that you may always
be tethered, like ropes wrapped
around the wrists of a black
slave child

you seek escape but it
is not within my power
to grant such a thing

there is only me
mouth dry, belly empty
and raw

A kiss in the dark
lips meeting beneath stars

we are the burning embers
of the night sky

the moon shuddering
under the weight of hearts

we are fearless,
Godless in the dark

who are we to meddle
in the ruins of

our fire

I am kneeling
on a cold floor
concrete eating into
my knees the sky opens and

I am shuddering in cold water
a bathtub full of freezing
water, counting down the seconds
till I become a ghost and

I am shaking in the corner
the ocean in front of me
as far as the eye can see is
blue seas and waves that wrap
like leaves around a tree bracnch and

I feel the glass under my feet
break like a heart, crystalised and
frozen and

I hear human voices pull me
backwards, one last stand,
one last throw of the dice and

I oblige
with my life,
with my very last breath and

I fall
into the warmth
of a whisper
a whimper
a bang

they ripple through me,
the undead, the broken, the cursed,
their voices strong as steel,
harsh as thunder,
dazzling as lightning

they like to think they are
an unbearable onslaught,
a tsunami,
a storm,

but darling,
I am the storm

The spot where I split open
my heart like a vein
is marked with

white pebbles as smooth
as bones

in the centre
there is a pool of
ice water

I like to pludge
into

submerge myself
and fold into
the wrinkles

that appear in
crows feet

on every inch
of my skin

the shell of
my body

shaking

the bird inside
my chest

dying

as my organs
freeze

The spot where I split open
my heart like a vein
is marked with

white pebbles as smooth
as bones

in the centre
there is a pool of
ice water

I like to pludge
into

submerge myself
and fold into
the wrinkles

that appear in
crows feet

on every inch
of my skin

the shell of
my body

shaking

the bird inside
my chest

dying

as my organs
freeze

I understand a flatline
soap scrubbed hands punching chests
the sound of air escaping in a last breath

I can grieve
black hood and buckled shoes
kicking up dirt in the cemetery grass

I thought I had time so I held off saying it
as your congregation sent you inky kisses and prayers

everything is bleached white and sterile, we choke down chemical soaked breaths

holy fools that come to take you
bone by bone

salt crystals form on my eyelashes
as if I've drunk the sea

I am swollen with bread and wine
and sins

the weight of the three words
I didn't say
catch like pills in my throat

I splutter and cough but there is no
shifting them

just the shifting of tectonic plates as my world starts to move

without you

you are the brightest shard of the light
piercing my heart with promise
my heart speaks a language
that my head cannot translate
when I am near you
I am like a child, stumbling blindly
in a world that's new and brilliant
I cannot speak of love, no
I do not think it's love
this shard of light that pierces
my heart like a poisoned arrow
wounded, I stagger
and fall into your arms
no, not love
but death
though death and love are so closely
wound, like a tight wire
people do not wish to speak
of death and love in the same breath
but I dare
I dare
like with so many things you've taught me
I dare

I don’t believe in God
but you’re testing my (lack of) faith,
I look in to your eyes and see deep
blue oceans. Wild waves of freedom
and adventure.

how can such eyes not be the
result of Creation?

I hear your pulse echo in
my ear. The thumping beat of
everything that could ever be…

Divinity indeed, but if I were to
believe  - I would have to accept
that He could cruelly stop your
heartbeat, and take you from me
in a second

take away the rhythm
my feet follow
to find their way home

I drunk love you,

when my eyes are blurred by beer
and your face is out of focus,

I drunk love you,

with the burning urge to bare my soul
to you at 1am, by text,

I drunk love you because
it’s numb love,

I can say what I want to you,
and not remember it in the morning,

take your mouth into mine
whilst waiting for a cab

and forget the taste of your lips
as soon as it drives away,

I drunk love you,

because the steel bars surrounding
my heart keep you out

the ones that soften and give way
when faced with sober love

It doesn't matter to me
but you still matter
the most

I would hold back
the sea with my
bare hands

If you asked

Let me see with eyes that have
never seen the stars in the sky

show me a map of the constellations
so that I may know the beauty I am missing

and weep

I long to feel the craters of the moon
in exchange for never seeing its phases

why can’t I touch the sky!?
my fingers are itching with anticipation
a shard of my heart has been torn out
my eyes grow heavy and close

as I realise that this world
is not meant for me to see

Let me see with eyes that have
never seen the stars in the sky

give me a tactile map of the constellations

so I may feel the might of Orion
like my feet feel the cracks in the pavement

give me this, so that I may know
the beauty I am missing
and weep

I long to feel the craters of the moon
in exchange for never seeing its phases

why can’t I touch the sky!?

my fingers are already itching,
feeling the heat from star fire

my heart is grieving for what I’ve lost
my eyes grow heavy and close

(as if they were ever different, open…)

as I realise that this midnight world
is not meant for me to see