You were forever saying “look!”

at the flowers
at the sky
at the stars
at the moon

but not once did you look
in my eyes

and see your pain reflected
back at you

a mirroring of broken souls
broken parts
broken hearts

that were destined to shelter
with each other

during the storm

I imagine us
collecting affections
like loose change

bits hidden everywhere

in couch cushions,
in strong, stitched
seams

pennies hoarded
in an old sweet
jar

cluttered coppers
at the bottom of
coffee cups

we count,
meaningless amounts

building neat piles
of insignificant coins

until they become
our fortune

We have lost sharing secrets at midnight
between our shadowed hearts dancing
patterns on black walls

always, we were chasing
darkness and now we have
been caught

up in the balance of time, losing
ourselves momentarily to the
light

I am forever

searching

for the things I’ve lost

whilst looking in the wrong

places

I’m scared
to feel more
than your
love

so even when
it’s over

I cling to
the veins and arteries
of my broken
heart

like lifelines

hoping they will
save me from
drowning

We used to sit up and talk
all through the night,
sleeping only when
our mouths ran
dry

at first your voice
was the only bit
of you that I
could stand

but soon,
your eyes
began to shine
bright blue
and wide

and I fell
into their
waves

now I stare
into their sea
and wait
hopeless
for you to
speak again

like a deep
sea diver
running out of
oxygen

I drown
and choke

and wait

for the water
to claim me

your eyes speak of dreams
that were abandoned

and as my fingers wrap around yours

I want to inject old passions into your blood

so that the fire you lost along the way
is rekindled

I want to be the flame that sets alight
those long forgotten hopes

I heard you liked to
save, that you called yourself
a saviour

so I pulled my knees
tight to my chest, rocked myself
to sleep

grew my hair long and dyed it
gold

found an oak tree to tie my silk
scarf around the strongest branch

my neck poised, like a cat
ready to pounce

and waited

now, they're out with torches burning
voices calling my name

in the soft leaves of the forests
they look for footprints

and I

foolish and desperate
cling to you, like an icicle

(fitting for our frozen hearts)

and I have been lost

or stolen

My heart is racing
chasing dreams
falling over my
own feet as
I charge head
first into
the future
the present
merely window
dressing for a
soul that has
nowhere to
call home

is love like silent stars
shining in a midnight sky
or crying moondust into
a gigantic ocean of pearls

or is it merely veins
twisting and untethering
between two hearts

it is for the skies and oceans to know
but for mere humans to feel

Love at first sight they called it -
love

as if it could be built in a second, hot blooded and wild

reckless of the heart, now clear of the cage of ribs

rippling back to it's ancestors,
who would tell it to slow down,
to wait

but there is not patience in sight. Hungry to see more skin,
soft as cashmere

if you call it love, beware.
semantics have stolen the hearts
of lesser men

Love is just a game, you said

and there’s a knack to playing it
that you could never teach me

however hard you tried

but then, winning all the time
would be boring

and at least I never cheated,
or tried to bend the rules

I’m not suggesting you did, my love

but you are are a compulsive gambler,
with a poker face that I have tried to navigate

with kisses,
warm and gentle, playing my own game,
the manipulative tricks of a woman

but failing, always,
to keep you from those jacks and aces

I guess love is really (a) blind

how long can we go on pretending
that we are merely playing

when our hearts are on the table?

I love that first
tantalising taste of coffee
in the morning,
deep and dark as the ocean,
and sweet as honey,

I love that first cigarette,
it’s warming amber glow
and glittering embers,

I love the silence at 4am,
the still quiet with only
the stars and the moon
for company,

I have to remember that I still love,
when my heart is so often full of hate

the seasons change
the Earth turns
the moon to sun
the stars - undone

the clock ticks
memories dissolve

yet you and I
stand still
upon the sand

as the ocean
moves and
our hearts

revolve

around the single
point of
love

movement, motion, minutes

love is all

She'd heard it said
that love was a scar
that stretched like
a smile, a cherry
red corner of
a mouth, pulled
wide, teeth
shattering as
they are revealed
individually,
white porcelain
cracking, and
lips barely moving
as they whisper
in time to a
heartbeat, beating
I love you

midnight murmurs

trees sparkling silver under the moon

the stars are whispering your name

to me

as I lie motionless, miles from sleep

I start to doubt what is, what was

between us

reality or dream?

the night offers no answers

just echoing silence

across the vast universe of
loveless longing

I wanted falling in love
to be real

but every kiss is just
a step in a dance

we are the players in and
the writers of

our own tragedy

each morning our hands
curl together

like a flower curling it's petals
inwards

away from the sun

what else is there to do?
but play this game

of never knowing the intent
behind each others words

spoken roughly, then gently,
compassionately or loveless

like a wild roulette wheel
of emotion

we could end it, anytime

but instead we will act
it out until we die

turned away from each other
on a bed

the last words said neither
I love you, or I hate you

just deafening silence,
a blank stare of apathy

You write love letters
to the cities you have visited
and fallen in love with

yet I stand here,
my hands shaking,
and empty of paper
marked with ink
by your hand

But then
in a moment
you were an un-
pinned butterfly

like cigarette smoke
chasing the stars

and the scent of you
made my heart
swell

pulsing red with longing
and beating, beating out
our names

I can hear my mother laughing,
as my father washes his filthy knuckles

I remember, the scene of what I thought was love

how she handed him his jacket
every morning
and how he kissed her cheek goodbye

the way slept together
their lungs synchronised
'Breath in, breath out'

and when he gave her the fat lip
because the brandy brand
was wrong

or because his shoes were ruined

I still thought,
as only a girl could

love is not without pain
but pain is not without love

The air swirls
through the still
night and I want
to be with you

I should know better
than to turn to
you

but feelings
can't replace
the facts

the way your arms
hold me

the way my head
just fits into
the crook of
your neck

It's a heart wound
that's fatal, that
bleeds over everything,
colouring and staining
the sheets, my skin,
my eyes

I should be out
hunting, painting
the town red

and I am

but I don't think
I'm doing it right

there are thousands
of boys out there

boys that don't break
in the morning

boys that don't pick
your heart apart

boys that don't kick
you

or tie scarfs around
your neck

but the bruises
always heal

and the thought
of waking up
next to someone
who loves me
just isn't enough

to stop me
loving
you for
hating me

(J'ai demandé à la lune,)

am I too cold for you?
why won't you wrap your arms around me? Unloosen those limbs like a tree shakes off its branches in the wind.

do you not own me enough? Twenty five years of children, houses we don't own, school plays and split pay checks.

twenty five years of mixing you cocoa every night, adding the cold milk and sugar that makes it palatable to you.

a king sized bed, with blankets and comforters. Why do I need to be covered by your body, wrapped in sky blue silk?

you should be warm enough for yourself, she says. As she passes me a glass of picnic basket wine. I turn my head.

there are fire flies to catch, bees circling the grasses we're about to drink from, a blue dragonfly.

(il était seulement une aventure.)

We mouthed what we wanted to say,
or else kept our lips locked like ventriloquists,
as we tried to send electric shocks through our fingertips.
Our life wires connecting under the sheets,
through the soft cotton fabric lightly brushing our knees.

Who are we to deny it's charges?

The trembling that starts
in our toes and rises like water
through our veins,
as warm as wine,
filling our bodies up
with the kind of love
you only find on postcards.

Are we just on holiday?

I have been

lynched

by love

and sadness

sometimes not knowing the difference

if the difference even matters

I am hanging

by a thread

that is too weak to **** me

but not strong enough to sustain my life

I have eaten rotten fruit

gladly

given into temptation

and now I shall neither die nor life for it

but the thing is

I have never been truly

alive

We are not strangers,
and yet, our names unknown
our lives, unspoken of

we navigate a see of,

first glances,
first dinners,
first dances,

I do not need to know your name,
for it is already woven into my own

I never believed in love at first sight,
I still don’t believe in it

but magic,
bewitching, spellbinding, enchanting
(magic)

I believe in that

I do not know what
makes you beautiful

maybe it’s that your arm
stretches around me
like a wave

and the thump of your heart
is as calming as the pulse
of the ocean

but why try to explain
the impossible
when you know it
will lose it’s magic

these fingers can weave magic
these lips can utter spells

but only you have the potion which I drink
as if dying of thirst

that transforms my heart into a quivering bird

desperately seeking it’s voice
to sing it’s song of freedom

holy water, holy wine
your touch comes as a Holy Trinity

a beginning
a middle and
an end

let us not say goodbye, just yet
let us just wait for the potion
to settle in my stomach
one last time

You were a magpie

you stole the root of me
bare bones and arteries
and now I am

a shell
stood shaking
in my skin

forever

I was a fool for thinking
I could keep you unharmed

as if I had the power to heal
wounds of the heart -

etched as deeply as
names on a grave

pretending I could erase sorrow
as if I were the tide upon the sand

I was too proud to admit to you
that to love me was no different
than loving any other girl

I come with my own hazard warning

nights where you’ll wake up in
a cold sweat,
lying next to the nightmare you just had

but if you’re ready
I will hold you hand, earnestly
and help you navigate the
messed up map of me

this ****** up map of love

March is made of madness,

butterflies that flutter
against my brain, my
heart, a wasp in
a jar

my voice shakes,
I drink cheap cider
that burns my insides,
from dented cans
that cut my lips

earning war wounds
as I try to cover
my battle scars

sleep chases me
and I hide in doorways,
dressed in black and blending,
begging the flickering
orange streetlights
to swallow me

his serpents tongue
licks my ear

soft, quiet and deadly

the fruit I should never
have eaten rises in my throat,
like anger

threatening to flee

and I have no choice
but to swallow
it

The blue-green ocean
spreads out like a fan
before us

our dry, sand imbedded
feet approach

we are timid birds -
uncaged

fearful of the gait
of our shadow

but sand is forgiving
and we step

inch by inch towards
the water

we are so close
that I can taste
the salt

brown seaweed
sticking to my
naked soles

what did we come
here for?

I wanted to see the sun
reflected on a liquid
mirror

I wanted to forage
and find

treasure

but we are stolen
by the waves

carried out across
the shore

we are made
of yesterday's
passion

our bare skin
wrinkling

with age

we have found
nothing but

ourselves

hopeless drifters, now
unclothed, unhinged

and tethered to

the tide

your fingerprints cannot be
wiped from my skin

the heart prints you left on my back
cannot be erased

the kisses you planted on my cheek
cannot be licked off

I am marked - yours
forever

I think of that green eyed
jealousy eating your heart.
The bitter pill that slides down your throat into your stomach acids. It rattles like dried peas
in a metal tube. Your fingers fret strands of my hair and I wince in agony. I am desperate to be held by another. To mix in with the marrow of their bones. But you are emerald and full of poisons. Spreading a plague of pitiness. I hold your hand in mine, still, but I pray for broken bones. Fractures. Splinters. Nails ripped clean off and blood. Thick, warm blood.

"maybe one day"

won't feed me

"maybe one day"

won't clothe me

"maybe one day"

won't quench my thirst

"maybe one day"

won't unblock my airways

"maybe one day"

won't strengthen my pulse

"maybe one day"

won't jumpstart my heart

"maybe one day"

won't stop my bones from breaking down

"maybe one day"

won't stop them covering me in earth

"maybe one day"

they'll be no one there for you to say

"maybe one day"

to

These scars have secrets

that threaten to bleed over

everything that you hold dear

in order to get you to hear

(me)

I need you tonight
like every night since we met,
I close my eyes and travel
across oceans and dimensions,
in search of what?
not love.
it was never love,
just an aching need
for the connection
of two broken souls,
the meeting of a shared sadness,
I move like a ghost
between the buildings of the city,
calling out your name
into the midnight sky,
no one answers.
if we never meet again
I’ll survive,
but a part of my heart
will die forever.

Who knows the darkness?  she says.

I do, a quiet voice, in my head.

the sinking feeling in my stomach when I crawl into an empty bed

the frozen fossils of lovers tossed loosely
on the floor

I claw

from the bottom of my black, holed well
the air escaping like a slither of silver

the bars to my cell

I am a monster without teeth, who feasts
on the loneliness of my thighs

and I am walking, step by step, with the beast

of depression and anxiety, it’s pen pal friend

who I have known for years, through letters

but it now has a body to tend

I crawl

like I’ve forgotten how to walk,
across cobblestones that feel like boulders
beneath my feet

I have forgotten to eat

What do you have to be sad about? She asks.

As if sadness is a currency,
exchanged between  haves and the
havenots

whilst I am in knots.

I get her point, I guess

but I did not choose this never ending death

In candlelight we kiss

two flames meeting

and becoming one

as the wax melts

we wrap ourselves closer together

knowing we have minutes

until our moment ends

I find myself staring into
the mouth of memory,

wet cotton, fine needles
and wine

my mouth turns wet at
the thought of it

to hold such history
in my mouth

and twist the knives that
my teeth make

into it

I am like fire,
burning through the
memory of you

every moment will
be ashes, the ashes
soon dust

you will not destroy me,
for I hold the flame that
burns as bright as star -
light, that annihilates
trauma and pain

do you think for a second,
that I will think of you? When
I am picking stardust out
of my hair

do you think you will matter
to me? When my memory
of you, is merely smoke
in the air

and in that moment
I saw infinity
reflected in the eye
of a mermaid
who had swam
to shore
to sing your name

seaweed haired girl
you carry the ocean
in the pocket of
your heart

and in mine
sweet and ripe
as strawberries
I carry
salt kissed kisses
the centre of
our love

I linger here
on the edge
of the sea

like a mermaid
waiting for
a man

to trap

with the great
cavity of my
mouth

teeth yellowed
by age and
cigarettes

I linger
like a ghost

the taste of
death is a
salt

that preserves
my body
on the outside

whist the inside
has vanished
into the ocean

like a wave

Your voice is my
siren, leading me,
calling me,
my body is broken
on the rocks, tangles
of seaweed in my hair
the smell of salt
revives me and casts
scales of blues and greens
instead of skin and
my hair curling
to gold

This was the nuts and bolts
of her,

stripped down

tasting metal with her iron tongue

licking, licking the corners of cogs

this is the age of

steel

welding, glass-less

sparks flying into her eyes

and she is

aluminium

light as air and mouldable

I work the shape

of her

with my fingers

mere brass and copper, yet

in the moonlight she is

silver

like my midnight dreams
I sleep under the moon
and know the names of each star

when I am awake
the sun burns my skin
and the blue skies drown me

I know I belong to the night

our fingers were fallen stars

bound to fight over fragments of
forever

until there was nothing left but
stardust

we didn’t know that the lightest touch
might be our last

or that ink would seep into our skin
just as sand is devoured by the tides of
the ocean

we can only cling to our little piece of
home

our place in the midnight abyss
of love

I remember late night conversations
with you;

the taste of wine rich on our tongues
gentle orange glow around our fingers from our cigarettes

I miss them more than I miss
your touch upon my skin

more than I miss your
kisses upon my lips

midnight skies the backdrop
to our putting the world to rights

I ache for those early morning hours

they’re so quiet now,
a deathly hush over what used to be
alive with fire and passion

you can keep your caresses, your kisses
just give me one more night of
splitting our hearts open

together

A heartbeat that swells
like an ocean, weak and pink
from the sun

I try to breathe, breath in, breath out, in sync with
the beating of this broken
heart

It rattles around, full of brain
pills and memories, and each beat shakes me down to the bone as I

gasp in the filthy air, the taste of aeroplanes and migrating birds, tickling my tongue.

I take it in, with a breath that pulls from the bottom of my cigarette wrecked lungs and I count my

pulse.

I am a part of everything, with this beating, broken heart that persists like a ****

consuming a garden, the dandelion, the yellow root of

the sun

I know the touch of the
palm of your hand against
my thigh, the well thumbed
lines that lead me to your wrist.
I know that wrist, I know
your neck and shoulders,
knees and toes. The curve
of your spine, the sand dunes
of the moon. There is no
part of your body that I
am not acquainted with.
Your heart, rattling like a
milk tooth in the folds of
my fist

The only beautiful thing I have ever seen

is the reflection of my eyes in yours

(and you broke the mirror)

seven years bad luck

(for both of us)