I was born with baggage
The stamp of your disease
branded on my newborn flesh.
I watched you cry behind doors
And collapse with exhaustion after school
until your sadness infected me.
20 years later
I take the same pills
covered in your fingerprints.
Pills Pills Pills
Catch me in free-fall
A medicated safety net
I wear my diagnosis
Major Depressive Disorder
Like a scarlet letter
Existing on an island
Between crazy and calm
Lost and found
Pills Pills Pills
Pull me out of obscurity
So I can begin to forget.
Lol I think I'm clever
I dial your number and pause
In the moment before the moment.
In an instant, you are not just a memory, a regret, a thousand miles a way
You are with me in the car, parked in a lot.
The spotlight hits me and I turn on.
(as if I’m surprised to hear voice)
How are you?
(like I really care)
(as if my brief reappearance in your life is the best news you’ve ever heard)
Rain spits on my windshield as I laugh with you
A suave performance to meant to pass as reality.
I savor the sound of your voice
Caught off guard
And cringe at the pauses
The stiff formalities and cold distance.
I dance in circles on the phone
An artificial, plastic caricature
Synthetic nonchalance tightly orchestrated
Still contorting myself to impress you.
carry me high, bury me low
tell me I'm the only one you'll never let go
speak it away, talk all the time
ask me every question then crawl out of my mind
I am without what is within
you will be to someone else what to me you've been
look what you've done, nothing has changed
how could you expect me to decide I should stay
why did you think this could be real
now that I have welcomed silence, I want to feel
what a remark, words from the heart
I can hear the beat of lovers falling apart
move in, move out
This monster inside me
hunts for your internet breadcrumbs
and wants to slaughter the ***** from that post and smear her all over your wall.
She wants to chop off her hair
die it purple
pierce her nose
and sing cryptic hate songs to you in her own ******* band.
She wants to text you and ignore the response
until you want her so bad it kills.
But all of that is no good because you're still in my head
haunting my thoughts
until I go insane
Because nothing I do will give me you, the way you were.
see me sitting
on the floor
see the cracks
inside the flaws
feel my anger
live my pain
I'll never be
the same again
while I exist
inside life's twister
my anchor will be
I love my Sisters... being one of 5 girls, I'm lucky to have them all in my life, no one knows anybody else quite like a sister knows a sister :)