I was born with baggage
The stamp of your disease
     branded on my newborn flesh.

I watched you cry behind doors
And collapse with exhaustion after school
     until your sadness infected me.

20 years later
I take the same pills
     covered in your fingerprints.

Pills Pills Pills
Catch me in free-fall
A medicated safety net

I wear my diagnosis
          Major Depressive Disorder
Like a scarlet letter

Existing on an island
          Between crazy and calm
          Lost and found

Pills Pills Pills
Pull me out of obscurity
So I can begin to forget.

I dial your number and pause
In the moment before the moment.

Hello?

In an instant, you are not just a memory, a regret, a thousand miles a way
You are with me in the car, parked in a lot.
The spotlight hits me and I turn on.

Hello!
(as if I’m surprised to hear voice)
How are you?
(like I really care)
Guess what!
(as if my brief reappearance in your life is the best news you’ve ever heard)

Rain spits on my windshield as I laugh with you
A suave performance to meant to pass as reality.
I savor the sound of your voice
Caught off guard
And cringe at the pauses
The stiff formalities and cold distance.

I dance in circles on the phone
An artificial, plastic caricature
Synthetic nonchalance tightly orchestrated
Still contorting myself to impress you.

This monster inside me
hunts for your internet breadcrumbs
     facebook pictures
     reddit comments
     spotify playlists
and wants to slaughter the ***** from that post and smear her all over your wall.

She wants to chop off her hair
     die it purple
     pierce her nose
     learn guitar
and sing cryptic hate songs to you in her own ******* band.

She wants to text you and ignore the response
     tease you
     taunt you
     *******
until you want her so bad it kills.

But all of that is no good because you're still in my head
     making decisions
     haunting my thoughts
     until I go insane
Because nothing I do will give me you, the way you were.

see me sitting
on the floor
see the cracks
inside the flaws
feel my anger
live my pain
I'll never be
the same again
while I exist
inside life's twister
my anchor will be
*My Sister