for some odd reason
i have this strange love for airports.
maybe it's the thought
of someone finally meeting their lover
after 3 long years
of late night skype calls
that only partially fill the void.
but that thought will soon turn sour,
as i realize
you buy plane tickets in pairs;
one to where your heart is,
and another to where you reside now.
it's like ordering your favorite meal
and only being able
to eat one bite.

i know one day
when someone brings me up
you'll say
"sorry, i've never met her."
we'll both know
that that's a lie,
but like the hypocrite i am,
i'll do the same
when asked about you.
however,
i did nothing to you
yet you cringe when you think of me,
when i'm brought up,
when you see me,
like i was the one who hurt
you.
who ripped your heart out
and left a gaping hole
that was filled
with late night sobs,
alcohol,
and cuts on your wrists.
you ******* lie
all the time
about what really happened
between us.
like you're ashamed
that you felt something
for someone as ****** up
and ugly
and pitiful
as me.
well here's a news flash for you,
you can't escape the past
i'm not the best thing
that's ever happened to you
but i know i'm **** sure
not the worst
and no matter
what you say
you know
deep down
when you wrapped
your arms around me
as we laid in my bed,
it wasn't just for my benefit.

she withers away
mind
and
body
she hears the whispers
of her once
beloved friends
-now the only love she gets
is the tug of her razor
across her skin-
they say things like
"what happened to her,"
and
"she used to be so happy,"
but they are wrong
nothing happened to her
and i can guarantee
that she was never happy
she just got tired
of the fake her
that seamlessly
took over her life

ever since our weary start,
you were nothing to me but a replacement.
your words once kind and fluent,
soon turned as sour and cold as the heart that fills
the cavity in your chest.
you drank liquor like you've been in the desert for nine years
and it's the only thing that will resolve your thirst.
so methodical and precise with your consumption
you didn't even bat an eye when i cleaned the mess
because you couldn't begin to function.
love and attachment
so similar but
so was the way i felt about you
compared to the way i felt about dying.
you were my easy out-
but you were without a doubt the reason
for the cloud of gray that blocked the ray of sunshine
that shown from within my heart.
i would never blame you for it
while reveling in your embrace
but one day i finally opened my eyes
to really see the person who was staring me in the face.
you used me like a rag in the kitchen,
tossing me away when you got what you wanted
i know you loved me somewhere inside
but your insides were cursed where the alcohol haunted.
an insatiable need to get away from yourself
only drove our love away in the end
so go ahead and fill up your cup
i hope it was worth it
for what you gave up.

the you
that resides in my head
is the one i fell in love with.
the you
that resides in my head
knows exactly what to say
on those horrible nights
where i am tempted
by an inch long piece of metal.
the you
that resides in my head
holds my hand when i'm sad,
and even when i'm not.
he smiles when he kisses me
and whispers sweet things in my ear
like "you're so beautiful,"
or "i'm so glad i found you."
the you
that resides in my head
stays up with me until sunrise
talking about our hopes,
dreams,
fears,
and secrets we thought we'd never tell.
he lets me lay my head on his chest
while he absentmindedly runs his fingers
through my hair.
but worst of all
the you that resides in my head
is merely a figment of my untamed imagination
the you that really exists
would never do any of that.
at least, not with me.

for as long as i can remember,
i've always wanted
something greater;
something more.
i would lie in the green grass,
while the wind caressed my face,
and stare up at the clouds
as they danced around each other
intertwining and releasing
and wondered what was beyond them.
for as long as i can remember,
the world wasn't enough for me.
my eyes were set on the skies,
the universe was mine to explore.
now, i see that it's obviously unattainable
but back then, it was my biggest goal.
but that day you lied next to me
in the green grass,
while the wind caressed our faces,
and the blue galaxies in your eyes
swirled when you smiled at me
i finally felt like i'd found something greater.

just shut
the
****
up
everyone.
i don't need
your half-assed,
******* sympathy.
all i need is silence.
from you
and from my mind.
from everything.
make the world stop
for a minute-
for just a ******* minute.
that's all i need.
a minute
of silence
for myself
to relax.
to get away from
all this
stress,
sadness
and anxiety.
to get away
from all the constant nagging,
the constant *******
that comes out of everyone's mouth.
i don't need it.
i don't need any of it.
all i want,
all i need
is a minute
of silence.

You are the autumn breeze,
kissing my cheeks and
streaking your way
through my hair.
You are the ocean,
vast and magnificent,
while also intimidating.
You are the stars,
the moon,
and all things beautiful.
You are everything.
You are my everything.

your heart
spills out onto paper
through the graphite
that fills your pencil
you're so lost -
lost in the thoughts
that beg you
to be let out;
the thoughts keep coming
at a pace that makes you think
"if i write any faster,
i might break my wrist."
but nonetheless
the words keep coming
-as if you could ever
hope to stop them-
flowing seamlessly
from your head
down to
your hand

it's like time and distance
were created
just so they
could watch us
squirm in longing
for what lies
beyond our
reach

i remember, as a child
when my eyes would well up with tears,
i "felt small", as i would call it.
it was merely just the liquid
distorting my vision,
and making the ground seem closer
and my body, smaller.
i had forgotten about that memory
until your favorite song came on
while i was in the backseat
of my friend's car.
that same feeling washed over me
as the tears sprung to my eyes
and i looked down,
and i grew smaller
and smaller
and

smaller



until i disappeared.

memories,

they draw me in.

false promises and tales of what was

and what could’ve been.

my cup runs dry

but i drink anyway;

i drink it away.

i search for myself in a crowded room

i catch a glimpse of her,

but she leaves too soon.

who i was

and who i am,

staring at the back

of who i could’ve been

i miss you in the morning
i miss you in the evening
i miss you when the leaves fall,
and when they grow again

i miss you while i'm working
i miss you while i'm idle
i miss you almost all the time
as though it never ends

i miss the way you'd call me
the day before my birthday
the first to say
enjoy your day
and that of me you're thinking

i wish you got to meet my son
his name is after you
"Sonny or sunny", people say
but either one is true

i miss the summers at your house
the season reminds me too
that i wish
the chance to say
one last "i love you"