Emily Budrow

Emily Budrow May 2015

today when i woke up i was frightened.
i tried to walk straight even though i felt hollow inside.
and although he wasn't here, he was still on my mind in the strangest of ways.

i thought of him and how he likes to buy things.
sometimes, and for a reason i'm still unsure of,
i mind what he buys.
say, for example, if it's for me i mind.
if it's for himself, i do not.

i thought of his old shoes and how he has yet to part with them.
i wonder why he buys things he doesn't necessarily need but only wants and refuses to buy things he does needs but doesn't want.
i wonder if people looking at his old shoes could make the same observation.
i thought for a moment but decided it didn't matter,
he loves his old shoes.

sometimes i think of "us" and how he looks at me as though i'm something really nice.
i think,
maybe,
i am old shoes, too.
i know he doesn't need me but maybe it is enough for him that he wants me.
if he neglects the things he needs and only goes after the things that he wants then maybe i'm not so bad after all.
perhaps i, too, am i pair of old shoes.
perhaps it will also be hard for him to part with me.

i wonder if others could also make this observation.

A.A.
August 31, 2014

I wrote this after sitting outside on one of the last days of Summer. I remember watching him skate in his torn up pair of Vans. I laughed at his continuous attempts at landing a trick before questioning him on his shoes. He simply said "they're comfortable, I don't want to get another pair because they just won't fit the same."
I hoped he thought the same about me.

Emily Budrow May 2015

A Little More Than A Friend, But A Little Less Than That

It's not fair.

It's not fair that you can take advantage of my vulnerability for so long and expect to fix it all with an "I'm sorry."
As if "sorry" was the immediate cure for all mistakes mankind has ever made.

It's not fair that you get to move on with your life while I sit here wallowing in my sadness for two more years.
You expect me to be "friends" as if friendship could silently erase all of the touching, sweating, and tears you so long ago put me through.

It's not fair that you use the excuse "I was *****" to make up for the anger I now express; for the memories you've left me with of those nights still reside in the darkest parts of my brain.

It's not fair that I get to watch you feel up your new girlfriend in her car parked in front of my house. Because a new girlfriend and two lost virginities is the best way to get over a potential "friend."
Because you've made it clear that's all we ever were.

It't not fair that you ask me to delete the messages we exchanged discussing our past so she doesn't ever find out that you fell in love with a sad girl once.
Sadness is wrong but **** is wrong too, but not for us because we were just "friends."

It's not fair that you're in bed sleeping soundly while I sit here,
pulling smoke from a cigarette that burns the back of my throat, praying to a god I don't believe in,
trying to rid my mind of the one person who swore he wouldn't leave.
My one "friend" who never truly existed to anyone except myself.

I hope one day you can see, too, that this "friendship" was never truly there.

J.D.
I wrote this over a year ago and I don't have these feelings anymore but sometimes when I see you, I remember

#friendship #bad #gone #****

Emily Budrow May 2015

Untitled

I am fragile,
Yet I have known a sturdy heart.
And because I've had to carefully piece my heart back together in order to love you,
I know I am mendable.
At first, I was near positive I had only magnified your love for me because of my insecurities
But now I am everything except apprehensive.
My love feeds on your love
And that is how I know it exists.
This is how I know love exists:
Because one dark sky,
3,000 stars,
88 magnificent constellations,
and an extremely uncomfortable park bench told me so.
That night I walked barefoot through the tall grass until the feel of your warm breath on my neck lifted my heart so high I swore I might never find the ground.
And since that night,
I still never have.

For Anthony
June 28, 2014

#love #first #true #anthony

Emily Budrow May 2015

The Thought Of You Still Lives In The Sky

Sometimes I still think of you
Sometimes, but not frequent enough for me to recall the way you used to look at me
Which should be, but isn't important
But now you're scattered in my 2 AM thoughts because the memory of you is a lit flame and my mind is saturated in gasoline
I recall the way you used to look at me.
Like I was the moon,
your moon.
Was.
You would notice all the imperfections of the splintered moon and still try to convince it it was a sight for sore eyes.
I still remember that late winter night we lay together on your rooftop and looked at the sky.
You told me you thought the sight of the infinite universe was simply breathtaking.
I'll never forget that.
Then you told me ever so calmly that you hated the darkness.
I'll never forget that either.
Now I'm wondering: how could you have loved me if you can't stand darkness?
I am no different.
I was your moon who lived in a dark sky,
I was your light when the world around you turned black,
But thinking back now,
I also, like the moon, was useless to you among the sun.
Maybe I was your darkness, maybe I still am.

I knew I left you for a good reason
July 9, 2014

#ex #boyfriend #breakup

Emily Budrow May 2015

The Eighth Wonder of the World

my heart beats louder than a lambeg drum
when i'm in your embrace,
or maybe i can just hear your name
with every beat of the cane.
i used to think it was but a coincidence
that the sun only shone above your house.
yet jesus had a star that only shone for him
and attracted only the ones who were meant to be there.
i was meant to be here, with you.
the sun only shines for you
because you are flammable.
and flammable things are attracted to gasoline.
i am gasoline.
i am poisonous to those who i'm not compatible with.
but you,
we can light the world with just one kiss.
you're such a headstrong,
desirable creature;
the second coming of christ in a suit and tie.
you cause a fire in my heart
with just a touch of your lips.
and the drumming of my heart beats on.

For Anthony
May 16, 2015

Prom was fun but I think I most enjoyed falling asleep in your arms afterwards to the smell of hairspray and with makeup still caked on my face.

#love #relationship #young #drum

Emily Budrow May 2015

10 Most Beautiful Things My Boyfriend Has Ever Told Me

1
Gold is pretty much nothing next to you.

2
You're those precious flower seeds that have just been sprinkled in the wrong place.

3
Even when age consumes my bones and time creases your face I'll still love you.

4
You're such a lovely existence.

5
You paint such beautiful pictures on the walls of my head.

6
I absolutely adore you're way of thinking.

7
I tend to study and appreciate every little feature of yours.

8
I try my hardest to make you see that living isn't so bad.

9
Just knowing how much you've been through and your will to keep me alive is really remarkable.

10
I'm gonna love you until my lungs collapse.

#love #words #boyfriend #beautiful

Emily Budrow May 2015

Fire Can Burn Blue

For you,
I would tie rocks to my ankles.

For you,
And without hesitation,
I would plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

You've been alone for so long
I'd off myself to make things fair.

For you,
And only you,
I'd auction you off to a museum because I promised myself I wouldn't be selfish with you.

For you,
The lit flames burn blue.

For you,
And because you're the only thing keeping me alive,
The oxygen you fill my lungs with also turns my heart blue.

For you,
I keep a jar of butterflies inside my closet.
They'll survive forever as will our love.

For you,
I'd finally attend Sunday mass just to preach of the way your hands feel when they're grasping mine.
A real sacrament.

For you,
People will begin choosing intimacy over prayer.

See, you make people rethink their choices.
You're the reason behind my never ending pulse.
It's because of you that the fire in my heart burns blue.

For Anthony
June 21, 2014

Your mom inspired this poem.
She came up with the title before I had even written it.

#love #true #young