It's funny
I never thought of myself as a closed door
But when you walked after me,
I wanted to build a wall between us
I wanted to run as fast as I could away from you,
and all your possibilities
I realized I've been so afraid of the bad,
I've refused to let in the good
Better to be have never loved than to have loved and been rejected, right?
I would always say no, but I don't always model my own principles
Clearly
And I think I've been so worried that you would consume me,
that I'd rather you never even know me
So much easier to stay home on a Friday night, dreaming of what might have been
Than finding out for myself in a dimly lit garage
So much easier
But so much more lonely
And you know, I'm really trying to be braver
I'm going to be myself
Or I'm going to try
I can only do so much at once, you know?
I think it's enough that I even met someone like you
Even if nothing more happens...
I did something I've never done before
Something I've only daydreamed about...
And it didn't completely blow up in my face (yet)
But maybe if it does,
I won't give up this time
Because there's a lot of room for improvement here,
and a lot of room for hope
And I finally did something outside my comfort zone
Traveled to a world outside of teacups and sadness and best friends and blankets and layers of grey and envy and warm fireplaces and sisters and insecurities piled high with the books around my bed
I've gone somewhere else now
And it hasn't all been horrible
Sure, there have been disappointments, as I knew there would be
But there have also been great surprises
You even noticing me was a great surprise
I surprised myself
I just don't want to lose myself
I don't want to get hurt
I'm so terrified of getting hurt
That's what freezes my fingers when I try to say hello
But I'm trying to thaw myself out
I'll get there one day
I swear to god I will



The ice is slowly melting

I am a tantalizing combination
Of shifting eyes and shallow breathing
Twitching hands and nervous laughter,
Oozing, gaping, wounds & barely healing scars
I can't help it if I flinch when I meet your eyes
If I draw back when you reach out to me
It's ingrained in my being
Don't trust anyone
Because those eyes may be blue and beautiful,
but poisonous flowers can be beautiful too
And a hand reaching out may not seem like a threat,
but I've seen fingers turn to claws more times than I can count
After all, I have these scars for a reason, you know
They didn't appear there on their own
Well, some did maybe
Self-inflicted wounds from my own personal array of beastly qualities
But the rest are a result,
Of a world coated in lovely, poisonous people
People who speak quicker than they think or don't bother to think at all
People with masks built so intricately, you can't tell where the real person ends & begins
People with claws for hands and battering rams for heads
People with venomous tongues and acidic eyes
In a world where beauty is not equivalent to goodness,
And in fact beauty often equates violence,
One can't be too careful
When meeting beautiful, blue eyes like yours

"So fill your head with what's important; leave out all the rest"
Leave out the doubts
Leave out the mind-numbing fear
Leave out the heartbreak
Leave out the betrayal
Leave out the feelings of worthlessness
Leave out the hatred
Leave out the anger
Leave out the paranoia
Leave out the voices in your head telling you you're better off dead
Leave out the voices altogether
Leave out the endless circling thoughts
Leave out the anxiety
Leave out the worry
Leave out the panic
Leave out the fear of things you can't control
Leave out your self-hate
Leave out sadness
Leave out the dreams of dying
Leave out the bottle of pills
Leave out the endless binging
Leave out the dreams of reduction
Leave out the ones who hurt you
Leave out the ones who hurt you, intentional or not
Leave out the ones who don't care about you
Leave out the ones who don't understand you
Leave out the ones who don't listen
Leave out the ones who never will
Leave out the ones who don't love you
And stop trying to make them
I know it sounds hard
Sweetie, I know it's so hard
I know that you're mind is in a twisted, messed-up tango
I know you can't separate good thoughts from bad thoughts anymore
So here's a little reminder of what to leave out
And what to keep
Keep the love
Keep the hope
Keep the endless possibilities
Keep the books
Keep the cats
Keep the dogs
Keep the soft chairs and warm blankets and tea
Keep reading
Keep running
Keep learning
Keep talking
Keep listening
Keep watching tv shows and movies that make you happy, or make you think
Keep the memories of your heroes in the forefront of your mind
Keep yourself
Keep yourself and choose yourself
Keep the girl you really are, and stop trying to smother her
Keep fighting
Keep holding on
Keep swimming
Keep laughing
Keep loving
Keep trying
Keep the people who love you close
Keep your friends close
Keep hope alive
And most importantly,
My dear, sweet girl
Keep living
And don't give up

I feel like I'm losing my mind

This time, you're not surprised
Although you think they'd go hand and hand
(Twin thoughts in a twisted mind)
"I want to die"
come much later than
"I hate myself"
Because somehow you can hate yourself,
But still want to live
You still want to get better
Now, you're not even sure you hate yourself
You just want to stop existing
I want to die
Just something, anything, to stop the pain
You don't exactly crave death...
You crave nonexistence
Nothingness
Black.
Empty.
Nothing.
You just want to pass out
Anything to escape for a little while
So why not...
A bottle of pills?
Escape for a long while
Hair dryer in the bathtub?
Carried out on gentle waves of steam
You just want to stop thinking
Anythinganythinganythinganything
to stop the thoughts
Never ending has taken on a whole new meaning
Because truly, it's your thoughts that are limitless
I want to die
You just want to stop thinking, really
So you sleep a lot
That's the first step
You always want to be sleeping
But suddenly it's nearly impossible to sleep
So you're tired all the time
But you still can't stop thinking
I want to die
Anything to escape
Dear god, you just want it all to stop
All the heartache, the disappointments
Hopes raised and dropped again
People who always let you down
Always letting yourself down
Everyone and everything is hopeless
We're all so ****** up
There's no point in even trying anymore
And your life seems so pointless
You're not going anywhere
Doing anything
Meeting anyone
You're bored with everything
Nothing sounds exciting anymore
You used to have these dreams, you know?
You used to feel
You used to feel everything
You used to have these crazy hopes and desires and dreams
Moving to New York, going to school, living on your own
You were such a day-dreamer
You had so much hope
What happened?
...
You don't really dream anymore
You just have nightmares
So you're either panicked&anxious;&tense;&sweating;
(With nerves shot and hands shaking)
Or your listless&bored;&lifeless;&waiting;
(With dead eyes and a fake smile)
There's nothing to look forward to
You see your future, and you see a blank
You've lost hope
I want to die
And man, it's not like you want to make anyone sad
You know your mom would cry
But it's really hard to live a life
where all you want to do is cry
And more than that;
it's really hard to live a life
when you already feel like your dying

It's shocking, the first time you think it
Because you've lived a pretty normal life until now,
but as soon as you've thought it, you're changed
Maybe it's because you've been fighting this...
realization for a while
Because you've heard people say they "hate themselves,"
and you've thought that was the saddest thing you've ever heard
And now
Now you're one of them
The breath kind of leaves your chest,
like you've spoken the words instead of just thinking them
It's a little like you're in shock
Because wow, you knew you were sad, but is it really this bad?
Yeah, it is
It's actually this bad
I hate myself
And then you can't stop repeating it
Over and over and over in your mind
Then you're saying it out loud, in a whisper
Barely letting your thoughts touch the air
Your black, smoky, aching thoughts
The voices in your head that tell you you're a miserable waste of space
Good for nothing
Fat ***
Loser
I hate myself
And why shouldn't you?
Everyone else hates you anyway
Might as well join the crowd
They all think you're
annoying,
weird,
FAT
Suddenly you're gasping for breath
And you can hardly breathe because of all the thoughts you're thinking
God you just want to jump out of your own skin
Out of this body that you despise
And you want to apologize to everyone you've ever known
Because you're so sorry they've had to deal with you all these years
Years of your existence
You're such a burden
You can't even hate yourself all alone, can you?
No, you have to run to someone else
Burden them with your hate
Because of course they feel bad for you,
they're all good people
But you don't even deserve their pity
God, just leave them alone!
Stop bringing other people down!
Get yourself together!
Get better!
But you can't get better, can you?
Because that's just who  you are
And that's why you feel this now
I hate myself
Because you finally realized it's not just your body you hate
You can always change that
It's your mind
Your smile
Your nose
Your whole ******* face
And more than that, it's your personality
The jokes you make
The sound of your own voice
The very thoughts you think are worthless
And pathetic
You're broken
You're not like other people
Other people are better than you
And you've finally realized that when you're born broken,
there's nothing you can do
Not
A
Thing
And if you can't change your insides, what can you do?
You're hopeless
Destroyed
Drained
You just want to pass out for a while
Anything to escape the never-ending agony of your own mind
Trapped in a body you hate
At war with yourself
"Your own worst enemy"
Doesn't even begin to cover it
More like your own destruction
A leader of genocide on a population of one; you
A suicide bomber; where the pilot, plane, and flight path are all made of you
You, you, you
It's funny, for someone who hates themselves so much,
Most of what you think about revolves around you
Every task
Every thought, every conversation, interaction, question asked & answered
Every look, every lesson, every thing anyone says or does around you,
Suddenly is a reminder of some part of you you hate
Then simple tasks become impossible
You make a small error, a superficial error
You dwell on it for weeks
You are in an instant panic
Anothermistakeanothermistakeanothermistake
You've burdened yet another person with your existence
Even more so, because everyone starts asking you;
"What's wrong? What's wrong?"
EVERYTHING IS WRONG, DON'T YOU SEE?
"Everything is wrong, because I am me"
I hate myself
It's the bottom of the barrel
It literally is a state of mind that defies nature
A feeling that defies our instinct to stay alive
Why why why why why?
Another question asked
Almost daily
"Why me?"
"Why was I born this way?"
"Why did I turn out like this?"
Why why why why why?
But no one ever answers
Because of course, it's only you
Alone with yourself
Like always

I have thought the worst thoughts a human being can think,

And they are;

"I hate myself"

and

"I want to die"

This is for me
So here's to letting go
Letting go of you
Letting go of me
Letting go of my image
Letting go of who I used to be
Here's to me becoming more of myself
To embracing that which makes me different
If they don't want me this way?
Doesn't make a difference
I'm going to be my un-beautiful self
Outspoken, obnoxious, dorky, know-it-all, whatever
I'm going to be me
And see, this poem might not be beautiful
Not my usual poisonous masterpiece
Because for once I'm not being bitter
I'm not being dangerous or seductive or dark
I'm just trying to be
Trying to be okay
Because lately, I haven't been
And I think that as I'm trying to become the person I want to be,
I'm losing sight of the person I was,
and the person I am
So I'm no one
And then I'm left scrambling, trying to find personality traits to hold onto
Becoming the old me, living in the past
Becoming the future me, daydreaming in a world that won't last
And it hurts
Because what's happened in the past is there for a reason
And what hasn't been yet will never be
So for once I'm being nice to myself
Sweetie, let go
Let go of that poisonous boy
Mourn him, yes
You can cry for who you thought he would be
But let him go
It's not fair to either one of you
Because the more he tears you apart...
The more likely you are to destroy him in turn
So it's about time you let go that which drags you down
And make your way to the surface

So I guess tonight is a writing night
Because I haven't done this for a while
And the real reason is you
And I ******* hate you for that
But I love it
God, did you know how dead I've been feeling?
Is that why you chose now?
You knew, didn't you?
How I've been counting the minutes in the days that never end
How I've been listless and shivering
How I've been so utterly bored with my life
No interest in anything
No inspiration
Nothing to write about
Nothing to talk about
Nothing to think about
So in you come
Clawing your way into my world
The way you always have
And it's like you clawed away my curtains
And suddenly the outside world is bright and relevant again
I am exposed and alive and awash with feeling
I can't handle it
I can't handle you
I can't handle your mood swings
the way you change your mind about me everyday
I can't handle you losing interest in me
I can't handle you wanting me
It's all too much
You're too much
And I love you for it

You, you, you, you, you
You ******* **** me
I want to rage at you and tear at  your hair
As much as I want to kiss you and taste the salt on your skin
And I knew this wasn't healthy from the start
But I never did like what was good for me, did I?
And you, baby, you're the worst thing for me
A pusher when I'm craving
A thief when I'm waiting
A **** when I'm posing
A lover when I'm lonely
A **** when I'm weak
A snake when I'm strong
Always pushing your way past my defenses
Crack to the addict
Blade to the wrist
Push to the ledge
Laugh to the tears
Mouth to the whisper
Sword to the heart
An unrelenting adversary in the war against myself
A weapon of choice to be used against my fragile psyche
I was doing so much better before I met you
Ah, but my life was so boring before I met you
And even if I'm shaking, stammering, craving a fix
It's worth it when you give it to me
Which, in hindsight, is probably why I can't stay away
Why I come crawling back every time
And I know I can't rest until I have you
Or you destroy me












And we both know how that's going to turn out

I barely even know you
But I am irrevocably in love with you
You you you you you
Seeing you is like breathing out an endless sigh of longing
I swear to god you glow
From your little corner of the world
A quiet presence
A heavy presence
Oh, would you let me sleep inside your heart?
I want to know nothing but your heartbeat
The feeling of hair raised on your forearms
The warmth of your sleeping skin
And if I could, I'd also be beside you
Being a part of your world
In whatever way you'll let me
See you shining in the daylight
See you faintly under moonlight
See you, feel you, everywhere
"You, you, you, you, you"
Yet another endless sigh breathes out tonight

1.** You were my first love. I'll never forget you, but I will also never forgive you.
2. You were the one that was supposed to be my savior. Instead, you left.
3. Thank you for being such a good friend. I'm glad I met you.
4. You, you, you consumed me. You tore me to pieces. I'm glad it didn't work out.
5. We used each other.
6. I wish I could love you.
7. With you, I feel cheap and *****. You were beautiful, but now you're tainted.
8. Your smile is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And that scares me. A lot.

A-N-X-I-E-T-Y
The more you think about it, the worse it gets
But I can't stop thinking about it
Sweat pouring off of me
Hands shaking
Headaches, dizziness
Feeling like every eye is on me
Exhausted after a mere hour in the public eye
Always checking, far too self-aware
A rolling, tossing, turning sea in the pit of my stomach
Nervous babble
Uncontrollable thoughts
Awkward silences
Insecure thoughts
Nervous nervous nervous nervous
Like I want to claw out my own insides just so they'd stop
JUMPING SPINNING CRASHING
around inside of me.
And there's an ever-present twitch in my neck in my eye in my brain
Making me tense, ache, twitch, check, check again
My whole body, tense and taut, ready for fight or
flight flight flight.
Ready for flight!
Oh how I want to run away....
Away from the eyes that connect to brains that connect to thoughts that make judgments that tell others that then make their own judgments and
TEAR MY INSIDES OUT!
I just want it to stop.
The voices, the thoughts, the fears, the sweat, the tightening muscles...
Because I can't live this way for much longer

It's the first day
And I was shaking so bad I could hardly speak
It's getting worse
And I don't know how to live a normal life anymore
It's like everything inside of me is talking all at once
And I can't focus on one thing because everything is vying for my attention
It's a constant, nagging, festering worry in the back of my mind
And it's slowly stealing my joy
It's taking over
And that scares me

I say "I'm just tired"
Because I can't tell you
I can't tell you how I just want to cry
All the time
Because sometimes I feel so hopeless
Because sometimes I feel so different
Because I'm strange and left out and rejected
I can't tell you how my heart is broken
That the most beautiful boy I've ever known doesn't want me
Because I can't tell you what I did
Because I don't want you to see the ugly inside of me
I can't tell you how I hate my body
That I nit-pick and try to perfect it every second of every day
Because I feel trapped in this physical shell
Because I just want to be beautiful
I can't tell you how ashamed and alone I feel
Because I'm different
Because I'm an oddball and I don't fit in with any of my many groups
Because I'm never good enough, never bad enough
Because I'm never enough
I can't tell you any of this
Because I don't think you really want to hear it
Because I don't want to burden you
Because I know I'm being stupid
Because I feel too insecure to tell anyone anything
Because I don't trust people anymore
Because you'll just hurt me
I can't tell you any of this
So instead I'll say,
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired."

Today was hard
Girls in teeny tiny shorts
With teeny tiny legs
And teeny tiny waists
And long, strong hair
And beautiful faces
And me
In all black
In a baggy shirt
With thick legs
And a big ****
And dry hair
And an ordinary face
And he's there
And he's beautiful
And don't forget that other one,
he didn't want you too
And why would they,
When there are beautiful, tiny, perfect girls to love instead?

There's something beautiful when you find that emotional release
Your lungs are aching, your legs are sore
Your face feels hot, your tears cold
You shake your hair out of your face
Push yourself harder
Just run
Away from hopes and fears
Away from daydreams and broken promises
Away from betrayal and self-hate
Away from shame and humiliation
Away from what might have been
Run until your lungs ache
Until each breath is a knife in your chest
Until the air feels like water, drowning you
Until your eyes are so blurry you can't see where your feet are landing
Then your tears come faster
Your sobs come louder
Your breaths grow quicker
And you're crying up to the sky
"Why, why me?"
And you have a million reasons why it could, and should be you
Why it should be you to feel all this pain
But there's that part of you that reminds you...
Everyone deserves happiness
And you're a part of everyone, right?
If only you could just stop crying

It was crash and burn, just like I knew it would be
But I dived in anyway
Foolish girl, foolish me

I felt beautiful
Weird, right?
For me at least
Then I saw her
The one you really love
Not just your second choice
She shines like the sun
And she was beautiful in her pining for you
And I was wretched in my shame
She is beautiful, pure, pristine
And I am ugly, *****, unclean
I tried to take what wasn't mine
I hate myself more for wanting you still
Why do I delude myself into thinking you would choose me?
Over her?
Impossible
I can't even have the pleasure of a daydream
For it is too far-fetched,
Even for me,
To dream that you would choose me over her
Dreamer that I am
I no longer even have that escape
And I just can't understand
What would make you change the way you act towards me
You, romantic of all romantics, acting like any other boy
That makes me think
That I must be worse than any other girl
Because why am I not good enough for your sentimental love?
The love that I crave more than anything
Barely a week, and you broke my heart
It was crash and burn, just like I knew it would be
But I dived in anyway
Foolish girl, foolish me
Living out a pre-conceived tragedy
But you wanted me
That much is true
But it's not enough
Not for me
Its just not enough
I want all of you
I want to hold your hand
Push your hair off your forehead
Feel your arms tighten around me
Be on the receiving end of all your smiles
Be the one you talk about to your friends
Be the girl you post those silly quotes about
I thought that...
No, I hoped that you might fall
Since I was so willing
But maybe this is my fault
Cause I never let you see
The inside, the layers, of what I wanted us to be
And then there's that hope again
That this was all a miscommunication
That you'll call me again
But then I remind myself of her
And her shining, golden beauty
And I remember me
My anxious, awkward insecurity
And I fall back down again
It's enough that my stomach is in knots
And I can't eat
Because every time I do the food is thrown up the incline, thrashed around a loop-dee-loop, and back down again
Hope & Despair
Locked in a desperate tango
Marching their way through my body
Leaving me cold, shaking, tearful, awake, and lonely
But it's my own fault
I shouldn't have gone for what I knew I could never have

You.
Are.
Beautiful.
I wish you could see
The strength of your own beauty
Freckles, bright blue eyes, wispy strands of hair framing a beloved face
A gentle smile, the kindest of smiles
I love nothing more than a kind smile
Laugh lines and battle scars
They all add up to who you are
And you are beautiful
And you are made all the more beautiful because of what you are inside
Your inner light is so bright
So beautiful
So glowing
You positively sparkle
A peak at your eyes can show you that much
See it there? That little gleam? The glisten of your infinitely beautiful soul?
I see it, you know
We all do
If only you could too
If only you could feel the tender love I feel for you
How much I wish I could make you love yourself as I love you
How all I want is for you to be kind to yourself
Because I know how hard it is to be your own worst enemy
And you, my dear, are too kind to be anyone's enemy
Let alone your own
So I beg you to look a little closer at yourself
And look at all the people who love you, at those who surround you
They're drawn to your gentle, shining, sparkling beauty
Like moths to a beautiful and kind light
You are so precious to all of us
You are a blessing and a gift
You are beautiful
You are beautiful not for just one particular thing,
But for everything
You are beautiful in all that you are
And you are loved

It's that time again
The sun has been wiped out
Clouds loom all about
Never bringing the sanctity of rain
Just blocking out the light, increasing the pain

And here I sit
Alone, lost, unsure, insecure
Trembling with fear
At what is coming near
Because I know

I know that things will fall down again
I know that my mind will crush itself again
I know that I will hate and despise
And slowly realize
The true mess inside my head

And just when the clouds threaten to break
And unleash their true potential on me
And when through my tears I cannot see
I find a shred of hope inside my soul
A tiny light that may be dull...

But it's there, I swear

So now I tug
I push and pull and cry and it swells
Magnificent hope, like I was never unwell
It beams forth and lights through my eyes
And that is when I realize

I will fall again,
This is true
There's nothing that I can do
But if I endure, if I survive
I'll be greatful for the next day, when I am still alive

BROKEN!
CHEAP!
USED!
DISMISSED!
UNWANTED!
NOT NEEDED!
NOT WORTH IT!
DON'T BOTHER!
There's nothing left anymore
And yet, there always is
You think there's nothing
But there's always just enough to take
Take more
Please
Leave me as a shell
Bury me
I never want to get up again
I'm so tired
All
The
Time
Never enough sleep, never enough of nothingness
I just want to stop
But stopping is my biggest fear
If you stop, you can't be fixed
So instead I will become
A little bird
Feather light bones,
Barely there,
Nearly gone...
A feather
And then I can be blown
Far, far away
Away from you, him, her
Away from it all
Above it all
At peace, at last

And you know,
I never met a sunset I didn't like
I loved every sticky sweet evening
Every bug, and every firefly
And it's so hard to say goodbye
Cause I never met a summer night I didn't like

I guess this is me
Open, inviting
Face up, arms spread
To the heavens
The stars
Only you, solid hunks of fire and ice
Can pound out and alleviate my sins
And lord, have I sinned
Gave everything away for nothing in return
A promise made to one who didn't deserve it
A decision made that could never be undone
Why by the cow when you can have the milk for free?
Silly metaphors, silly questions
For a pain so real and raw
A surgery started but not completed
A body left open, skin peeled away
Vulnerable
I can't help taking it all
All your good, your bad
Your moans, your cries, your sighs
Do with me what you will
I care too much to fight
I am too soft
Too sensitive, too open
I'll be broken before I know it
...
I fear I already am

Let's start with that simple equation
1 + 1 = 2
But what if it's 1 x 1 = 1?
There are two factors, but in the end, there is only one
I love him
But he doesn't love me
Two people, there's love, but the girl is left alone
He doesn't want me
And why should he?
Chubby, pink face, limp hair, imperfect makeup, awkward tendencies
Who can blame him?
I don't.
But that doesn't mean I don't still want him.
Doesn't mean that he doesn't fill my stomach with butterflies,
That his voice doesn't make me smile,
That seeing him makes my day that much better.
And all I can hope is that he doesn't know.