I wish your mixed signals
were more
obvious and easier to understand

God
Why you?
Why does it have to be
The boy who doesn't know
The boy who can't figure it out
The boy who can't seem to realize

But the thing is
You do know
You have to know
It's our whole relationship
We can't be friends
We could never be friends
There's too much unspoken

Maybe I'm crazy
But I just know
There's something

You are cracking my mind
Dashing it against her collarbones and cheap sunglasses
The hardest things about her
You are are cutting my heart
Pressing it against her shoulder blades and elbows
The sharpest things about her
She is light and soft
And could break me if I'm not careful
And I want her to
To break me apart again and again
I never asked You for much
I don't know if You're even out there
But if You are
She's all I want

Just  by the method in which you breath
you create a sort of paradise for me to live in.
You're just my kind of man,
you're a stand up kind of guy.
Now yell at me until my eyes bleed
and stare at me until my ears pop.

Breath life into this breathless song
and breed the love until it is of pure blood.
God knows I'm bad with habits.
They pile up and I can't properly feed them.
So try to be cool.

The board snaps and the red light indicates the doors are secure
and the entirety of the manor rejoices when you walk in.
You're ten minutes late but you brought 4 grams of
cleverly disguised bad intentions and for that everybody is eternally grateful.
But I'll try and be cool.



I'm the only one who could ever have any fun
but that was only when I was with you.

So be cool.

i'm sure you could imagine,
the new proud parents' joy.
when the doctor finally announced,
"you have a baby boy"

as she held him in her arms,
all their worries were erased.
they didn't know then,
of the troubles they would face.

"i'm sorry i have to be the one to say,
your little boy has cancer.
i know that life seems hard today,
things are always worse before the get better."

endless hours of chemotherapy,
hospitals becoming a second home.
dozens of tests to check his status,
he was watched but felt so alone.

some days he felt big and strong,
and other days trapped in hell.
it was in the little boy's smile,
the way that you could tell.

and though the boy was small in size,
he fought with all his might.
the cancer's strength he matched for awhile,
he put up a pretty good fight.

time of death, 4:12

his mother smoothed down his hair,
and kissed him on his cheek.
the tears rolled down her face,
she'd never felt so weak.

his father felt his son's heart beat,
then fall silent just as fast.
he had been there for his son's first,
and he had felt his son's last.

I envy the young,
their eternal bliss.
I have ten years
I'd never miss.

It's more than age though,
It's what comes along.
With responsibilities
It's hard to be strong.

Maybe I'm weak,
but I'm not ashamed.
If it's anyone's fault
society's  to be blamed.

Greed drives us,
and the need for wealth.
This is skewed philosophy,
what we need is health.

Money has made equality a lie.
We did it to ourselves,
The question is why?

It's human nature
to be better than others,
yet this doesn't exist
when new from our mothers.

I envy the young.
Future in the making.
The virtues they hold
will keep us from breaking.

When you like someone everything changes, doesn't it?
It's as if the rules don't apply.
Your turn offs fade away and you don't quite understand why.
You start to notice the little things,
Like the way they their eyes squint when they smile.
Or how their hair is always a mess,
Or how beautiful their awkward laugh is.
You see the best in them when everyone else sees the worst.
You look at them with that lust, a desire,
A beating in your heart screaming kiss me.
But until that happens all you can think about is how they're going to taste on your lips,
How your sheets are going to smell once they've left,
And how your heart is gonna skip a beat every time he says your name.
Some would call it an infatuation,
I'd just call it a crush.

"There are moments here:
only dots on an endless timeline.
All the motions of ordinary love"*


It's hard to find meaning,
but it's harder to excuse meaning.
It's harder to deny that these simple routines
of waking up and continuing
are meaningless.

Things happen.
More specifically,
today a boy told me that
people like me give him the energy to keep living.
I've thought a lot about that
and I'm still not sure why he would say that
but I am sure that he meant it
and even surer that if I all I can claim
to have accomplished in life is giving this lovely boy
energy to keep living
than my life will be worth having lived.

I am sure the endless monotony
of repetition will cease
and things will seem new and fresh soon.
I've tried to bring about these changes
by doing simple things;
I've stopped eating meat
and using painkillers,
I've bleached my hair white
and have been on dates with a very pretty, if not comely, girl.

The only way to change that which bothers me
on the inside is to change those things around me
that bring upon the molestation.

It's amazing how I can sit down and begin writing with no clear objective or outline and as I feel the energy of writing leaving me,
I feel as if i have accomplished something.
I look back on what I have written and feel
that I have helped myself achieve some sort of clarity,
I can turn the zeroes and ones into comfort,
I can turn the digitally remastered music into love
and I can feel it.

My uncle once told me he couldn't believe I could be sad,
that I wouldn't believe the things he's seen over seas,
both on and off duty, both as a soldier and as a traveler.
Maybe he's right,
maybe I shouldn't be sad,
but it's only when I'm alone I feel this way,
and even then it's only some of the time.

Three years ago I was close to taking my own life,
and I remember that then I was only happy when I was alone,
and even then it was only some of the time.