Truth is,
I suppose I really would like to be one of those girls
who frollicks in the sun in white dresses
and ballet slipper pink cardigans.

But I can't.
Something inside me fears it,
I don't feel... safe in those colors.
They don't fit me.
I'd like to look like Kalel from Wonderland Wardrobe,
but she's like every other girl,
tiny and naturally cute.
I'm too big to wear those clothes.
I have a big head and big arms
and a long torso
and strong horse legs.

I'd like to be a lady,
cute and sweet,
but I was born unfeminite.
I was born ugly.
A goblin amongst humans.

I'd like to wear my hair like that
and flaunt just like all of them,
but I could never do that,
for I was not made like that.
I wasn't made
for lace and ribbons
I was made for leather and chains
even better, a box,
a cardboard box suits me best
as it'd hide all my features
and keep my hidden from the world.

Phantom of the opera,
I do love the opera,
covering my pig face in a mask
and stumpy body in a black shroud.
I'm doomed to be like this.

I wanted to be like the other girls so bad
but I couldn't
and I started to hate it,
hate those colors
and stupid flowers
and ribbons
and makeup-
because they didn't look good on me,
made me look like a fool.

And now I'm trapped in
black, black,
black,
black
and more black
only ever black
black and bulky
because my body isn't like theirs
and my head is big
and like that of a pig,
so I'm stuck hiding
knowing I'll never be able to wear
white dresses
or those Ballet Slipper Pink cardigans.

I go on my computer, to try and do something new
I try opening up the pictures that I once took of you

A bold message displays across my screen
"Error" it reads, I know exactly what it means

I guess what they say is true, it never processed in my head
Its hard to reach old memories
When someone you love is dead

The amount of words
Shared in a stare
Is nearly infinite
Take special care.

Ride the moment
And walk away knowing
Communication
Naturally flowing.

I wasn't prepared
When I embraced your eyes
False, deceitful,
Composed of lies.

Everything I knew
Stripped away
With your emotionless stare
Pools of gray.

"Why don't you come inside, Fish?
or you could just stay out here,
because I know you like to be alone"

That hit like daggers in my heart.
Especially coming from him,
I look up to him so much,
I shouldn't but I do.
He means well, I think,
it was more of a joke, sort of,
he wasn't being serious,
but the way he said it hurt.

Sure I lingered a moment in the rain
waiting for the rest of the people to enter the lobby
and I'd go last but-
I don't know.
it hurt.
him saying that.
that people think that.

No, Rob,
I don't like to be alone,
but being alone is easier
and the world is very scary
and I'm not very brave
so everyone thinks I like to be alone
but I don't.
I really don't.

It's too hard for me to speak
I don't know why, it just is.
It's too hard for me to step forward
and be like everyone else
I try so hard
but it's so terrifying.



the feeling of loneliness chills my insides
and makes me cold and still.
think what you like of me,
but please,
especially not you,
don't think I like to be alone.
because I don't.

A girl told me I have a front,
a face I put on.
She said she didn't know why,
but she imagine it's easier than wearing my own.

I asked her what she thinks my unmasked ((person?)) looks like.
She said she didn't know but she'd like to.

I wonder if clouds know they're beautiful
When they sit and watch from the the sky

I wonder if they know how dangerous and threatening they are
When thunder cries out

I wonder if they know how they turn colors
When the sun hits them just right

I walk to work wondering if they know

I wish I could live up there with them
I could be puffy and white

And no one would say anything
Because that's how clouds are

I wish I could reflect the sun
But only be full of rain

If I was full of rain
I wouldn't be full of emotion

Clouds don't become angry
Or sad

Clouds don't fall in love
And realize their love wasn't real

I wonder if clouds know how truly breath-taking they are

If I could stay and lay on the grass all day
And watch them

I would

I've driven through clouds once
It was like a dream

I pulled over and felt the fleeting puffs wisp by
I felt the rain wet my skin

I felt the cold penetrate my clothes
I felt the wind tangle my hair

And most of all
I felt the thrill of being in the clouds

I wonder if they thought of me as beautiful
As much as I saw them that way

I'm doing great!
OH, JUST DANDY
fantastic!
fine
okay, you?
pretty good
well, and you?

maybe if I keep lying to people
when they ask me how I am,
maybe eventually my answer will be true.

They tell me it's simple,
really not that hard to do,
Even if you don't believe it,
try to,
say and pretend you do and it'll help.

so I try.
I try my best.
but the words sting my tongue,
they make my heart sink
and a pit bubble in my stomach.
Sometimes they make me cry,
because I try so hard
to believe the words I'm saying
I'm trying so hard to make them true
but I can't,
because I know those words are lies.

"Look in the mirror
and tell yourself you're beautiful,
that you're worth something."
But I can't.
Because it's too big of a lie.

whenever
people would ask me if i knew you
I would say yes,
i know her very well,
she is my bestfriend
and i love her more than anything.

somewhere along the line
i added,
but i haven't talked to her in a while,
and i thought nothing of it.

i want to kiss you,
like we've done before.
i remember every kiss you've ever given me,
because they meant more than any kiss i've ever received.
i remember every kiss you've ever given me,
because they tasted sweater than any kiss i've ever received.

i want to kiss you again,
but i'm so afraid of losing you.
i'm afraid of losing you more
than i already have.

i'm jealous,
i'm jealous of every boy you've ever kissed.
i'm jealous of that boy you talk to me about on the phone.
i'm losing you
and you don't know how jealous i am.

i kiss other girls because i want to,
i kissed you because i love you.