****.
Eddie Eddie Eddie.
I'm just at this stop sign.
Minding my own radio stations and avocado smoothie.
Of course you pull up next to me.
Of course you look away casually.
Of course you're wearing a plain white tee.
And don't you look so good in it Eddie.
****.
So unfair.
My car is here and yours is there and
I'm trying not to stare but
How can I not be aware of my biggest crush? EVER?
With his blonde hair.
It never was fair how this black girl
Yearned for green eyes that never cared back girl.
While the sun is always on my mind
You come up sometimes and it's stupid.
"You stupid
****"
I think, sometimes.
Because she's little stupid-
The little girl who followed boys home.
The one who would wait for emails before we had phones.
The one who grew up and still doesn't know what the **** to do so she calls her mom in the parking lot asking for advice because she desperately wanted to follow him to his destination and learn everything about his day so she could better coordinate her outings in order increase her chances of seeing him again but she knows that's creepy and her mom says so too.
That girl, is dumb.
Eddie.
But you're dumb too.
You dumb ****.
No, you're smart and funny and so **** **** I want to **** my self.
I hate being so beautiful and so clueless that it goes to waste sometimes.
Eddie Eddie Eddie.
You make me really nervous.
So *******.

"That's all I can say"
You said.

I told you that was okay.
"No worries."
I didn't know what I wanted you to say...

Okay yea I did.

I am ready now
I knew I was ready when the words slipped from my lips driving home.
It wasn't the song that was playing, but  lines of a poem that I had not yet written.
The lyrical reminders that I am still smitten

By You.
You're still there.

I'm the in the library
You pull out my chair.
I need a parking pass
You pay for my fare.
In the day you're there and I'm aware that you stare at me but
at night

At night
I. Feel. You.

When the wind reminds me of how warm your presence can be.
When the door below the exit sign of the lecture hall opens and it is not you but the kind of girl I thought you would have wanted instead of me.

I stare at that door.
I stare at it and wish for ***** blonde and broad shoulders.
For sturdy hands that make the perfect holders for my heart.
I stare at that ******* door hoping that you will open it and everyone will wonder who you are and their answer comes when you grab me and give me that kiss long overdue.  

at night
On Tuesdays
I leave that lecture hall and return to my room.
And I stare at that door wishing for a flannel and green-hazel eyes.
I stare at my door praying to any god that for the night you come and make love to me.
For you to come and look at me like you did the first time and let me make up for all of the over-thinking. For all of the fear.
So you can teach me how to love you.

You don't have to stay till morning.
Just long enough for me to fall asleep in your arms.

at night
When the time comes for me to squeeze the sheets
I whisper your name.
Because I only want that pleasure from you.

I am afraid of loss.
I am afraid of being used.
And during the day I venture alone.
But at night I
only
  want
    you.

Relationship
You used to bring such longing for me.
Such hope.
Such solace that,
Once I obtained the contents of your letters,
I could be happy.
I could be complete.

relationship
What a different *relationship we have now.

relationship

GAH-     ****! Where did you come from??
I was just reading an article and there you were.
Sitting there.
Out of context of my constant thoughts, but I can't help but apply you.
I can't help but panic.

The word relationship. My new biggest fear.
The collection of the consonants and vowels that make up a vocalization for my soul anxieties.

Relationship
I cringe at thee.
Hours of pouring over videos, how-tos, books, guides, diy, people, you, me, him, her, them, we, us, future, communicate, self-love, expectations, desire, infidelity, falling in love, falling out of love, love, lust, true love, more self-love, thoughts, peace, gratitude, forever, temporary, fleeting, cheating, shame, truth, lies,
all in the ******* name of

Relationship

I could quit.

But how can you quit on someone
That is only eighteen years old
And has already based the foundation of their life on

you?

I must remain silent.  
As she sleeps on the floor of my room, surrounded by wet tissues.
I must remain silent.
Until she is ready to bring justice.
I must remain silent.
When my friend is ***** and is looking for refuge.
I must remain silent.
When the worst, most violent, horrendous, and personal crime is committed against someone I love.
I must remain silent.

I must remain silent.
Simply because:

She wants me to be.
And when someone you love has her wants disobeyed in the most gruesome way.
You must remain silent.
You must not tell the story that does not belong to you.

you ***** me
                        up
                             up
                                 up
you fuel me
             c
                r
            a
               z
            y
              c
                r
            a
 ­              z
            y
you prompt me
           n      u       o     i           n      u       o     i
                e      r       t      c             e      r      t      c
you make me
        s o m e                   t h i n g

              I        I  
   don't     \/     don't      
    want             want    
        to                tobe
           be          be
                 \/