I know I should be sorry
I know I should feel bad
Because here I am doing the thing
I said I'd never do again.

I said I wouldn't hurt myself
But that's been ******* all along.
The only thing that kept me clean
Was knowing that if I slipped
I'd be hurting more than just me.

But now I'm sitting here
Like I have so many times
Tearing at my skin
For a glimpse
Of sweet relief.

In the grand scheme of things
A few small scrapes
Doesn't make a difference.
It's nothing dangerous
And it's not hurting anyone
It's just a way for me to silence
The monsters in me.

I don't care anymore
About taking care of me
I'll do what I want
Even if it kills me.
I'll do what I want
Even if it means
ruining nine months
Of a fleeting fantasy

Impossibilities
What are they?
Are you for sure they’re real?
Are they really impossibilities
Or are they things you think impossible
Even though they stare right at your face
Even though they tap on your shoulder
Even though they knock on your door
Even though you hear their screams
Even though you pretend not to notice
Are they impossible?

People will often say
That those who have trouble
Letting others in
Are "guarded".

And maybe that's true
In most cases.
They wear an emotional
Suit of armor
And build imaginary walls
Around their hearts.

I also have trouble
Letting people get close.
But I would not,
In any circumstances,
Say that I am "guarded".

To call someone "guarded"
Insists that they are protected,
Safe from harm.
That's where the word loses its
Relevance to me.

I am not protected.
Not in the slightest.
I wear no suit of armor
And have no walls
Around my heart.

I'm as vulnerable as a baby deer
Who's lost it's mother
And broke it's leg.
I am susceptible
To any and all types of injury.

I am not safe from harm
Or impervious to heartbreak.
In fact,
I'm fragile.
My heart is brittle
And will break as easily as glass.

I have trouble letting people in,
But I am by no means "guarded".
I have trouble letting people in
Because I am extremely unguarded.

I am not protected or safe,
But I am evasive.
Which is probably
The smartest thing to be,
For people like me.

I run from danger
And emotional intimacy
Because I know
I'm too frail
To handle being mistreated
Or left alone.

After letting myself fall
Over and over again,
I've learned that love
Is not worth the pain
It inevitably causes.

I am done risking
My delicate soul
To feel close to someone.
At least for now,
I don't want to love
Or be loved by anyone.

For now,
I'm still recovering.
I'm still learning how to live
With myself and without the
Infatuation of someone
Who will most likely end up
Being nothing but a memory.

I won't correct you
If you call me "guarded".
But those who do not wish
To be emotionally close
Are not always so hardened.
Sometimes they're soft
And scared of the world around them.

I wish
we lived
closer to
each other,

because,
we both
could use
a hug
right now.

I really miss
all those moments.
Those little talks,
beautiful glances,
gentle kisses,
warm hugs
and
every single second
of our
love epoch.
Every day
I'm wrapping myself
in the warmth memories
of our togetherness
sitting on
the sands of time.

© Kishamore

imagine,
someone could look at you and for a split second imagine an entire life with you.
imagine,
someone you know could love you in a way that is so pure, selfless, and youthful that it is almost too good to be true.
imagine,
you might be the last thought in someone's mind at night.
how honorable it would be to be someone's thought.
to be someone's own version of perfection.
most of us have someone who looks at us in these ways and most of us
don't even know.

I've had trouble lately, confronting reality.
I have no idea how things are meant to work out.

I guess that is the beauty of life, sometimes you aren't meant to know or understand how everything will work out in the end-
it just does.

so I'm hoping this is one of those situations.
one where I may be in an unbelievable amount of stress, but
everything will work out.

I hope that before I know it,
I'll be wondering why I even stressed at all.
I'll wonder why I worry.
And I'll understand why everything panned out the way it did, and I'll appreciate how things turn out.

I hope that through this,
I will learn how to confront reality.