your hand tangled in my hair,
you tilted my head up, bent down,
and pressed your lips to mine.
It felt wrong... really wrong.
I pressed my body to yours
My mouth opened, inviting you in with a sigh.
THIS IS WRONG my head screamed.
Something I should not have done.
Something I should not have let you do.

It was a long kiss.
Your tongue grazed mine
your hand cupped my face and your breaths calm and quiet
mine hot and staggered.
A few seconds of confusion; of desire.
5 years we loved each other,
5 years we couldn't be together.

I pulled away, breaking the spell.
I gasp, my eyes fluttering to stare at my shoes.
the air around us thick with shame and loneliness.
what have i done

I couldn't look you in the eyes.
You embraced me, and asked if i was alright.
I nodded numbly, and stumbled into my home as you walked away.

I entered my room expecting myself to cry.
I cheated. I am a cheater. I destroyed what was the only good thing that was happening to me.

I'm not single,
you're not letting go.
This can't go on.

Once I spoke the language of the flowers,
Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,
Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,
And shared a conversation with the housefly
in my bed.
Once I heard and answered all the questions
of the crickets,
And joined the crying of each falling dying
flake of snow,
Once I spoke the language of the flowers. . . .
How did it go?
How did it go?

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

I am a menace.
I bring with me pain, and heartache
I hurt you, and anger you in ways you never knew could
I taunt you, and harm you in places that can't be seen.
I am a disgusting shell of what I used to be,
full of masks to hide my scars.
I don't know how to love,
only to act selfishly.

I am undeserving of hope
underserving of a job, a school
Unworthy of friends, unworthy of love.
Unworthy of happiness, and unworthy of life.

When can I cease to exist?
When can I finally disappear from existence?
When I'm gone from this earth, do not keep fond memories in your thoughts.

Remember me as I was -
A brutal, rude, spiteful creature, unloving and selfish.
Remember all the times i hurt you.
Remember all the pain i caused
Remember the disappointment, the shattered hopes, the wasted time, and money.
Remember my glare, not my grin.
Remember my scowl, not my laugh.
Remember my cold eyes.
Then maybe you'll hate me and you won't miss me.
Maybe you'll forget me sooner because you want to forget.

Maybe then, and only then,
I'll finally cease to exist.

One hug was all it took to send me reeling.
Our hands grazed and I wished you'd grab mine
My thumb touched your palm as we flipped the pages of a book together,
sitting so close - our thighs side by side.
Your eyes light up when you talk about art
and your smile brightened the dark museum.

As we said goodbye, your opened your arms for an embrace,
I ran into your arms and it felt right.
Our hug was long, it was comfortable.
I wish i could stay in your arms.

I've been getting up at 8.
The first thing I do is to check my phone,
Hoping to see a text from you.

These days we don't text anymore,
I still check my phone,
hoping to see your name light up that tiny screen
I should stop clinging to a disintigrating flame,
But I can't stop getting up at 8.

Do feelings fade?
or will my heart always skip two beats seeing your name light up my screen with a text from you?

Do feelings fade?
or will I wish we'd never met just to spare myself the agony of not being with you

Do feelings fade?
and how do i get over the fact that you're so perfect, funny and witty?
how do i say i love you without making things awkward, without jeopardising what we have? and how do i make you stay?