The grass was overgrown,
And stubbornly fought
Against the clean sheet we layed
On it.
I made you paint,
And the floating haze in the air
Stung my eyes.

I knew something was wrong,
We all did.
We saw your emotions
Doing backflips
And pirouettes.
We saw your sleep
Running away from you,
We saw the music clouding up
Your thoughts
So they couldn't hurt you.

But none of us knew
How wrong it was.

I took two terra-cotta
Flower pots
In hand,
And declared it a lovely day.
You deemed it dismal.
I waltzed into the yard,
With bottles of bright paint,
And soft brushes.
I made you sit
In the oppressive sunshine,
With insects
Whizzing around our ears
To paint flower pots.

On a long dog walk at midnight,
You finally told me half of the truth.
That you were having problems.

The grass was still lively
And springy,
It was after the drought.
You dribbled paint
In pretty patterns,
And I tried to convince myself
This was good for you.

It was the small early hours
Of the morning,
Lit with fairy lights,
And your humidifier
Puffing in the corner,
That you told me the whole truth.

You had given yourself until September.

Printed an expiration date
On your forehead.
And I wish I could say
In that moment I knew what to do.

It's been a while now,
I'd like to think
I don't have to worry anymore,
But I do.
So in case I should,
I love you.

I love you,
And I promise to never make you
Sit in the sun
And paint again.

I used to be able
To drag my hand down your back
And count your bones,
Feel every bump in your spine.
I would hold your delicate frame
To protect you from the world
But here we are,
Your shoulders are strong,
From carrying the weight of your own
World,
And you're somehow protecting me.
The strangeness of recovery
is unnatural
When we grow while broken,
Like a tree bent into awkward
shapes
And twisted around it's oppressor.
But my love,
Let's regrow together.

Window panes let me watch my breath,
Through my car window
I wish I could see
A speed limit for breathing,
I've Lost control again.

If I hide,
If I'm very careful to stay away
From the things that keep me up
In the dead of the night,
I can say I'm doing fine.

Through my rose coloured ears
I listen to the music
That's gotten me through the years.
If I could be comforted it would be
By the voices
Of people I've never met,
So let me comfort you,
Let me hold you for a moment,
And I'll whisper my stories in your ear...

Human beings scare me,
Like maybe they scare you,
Strangers dictate my mood,
Control my breathing,
And the fear in my belly.
You aren't the only one
Who hates going to work.
If I could see your fear
Painting gruesome pictures
On your face,
And up your arms,
I'd hold you, dear.

I'm watching the glass
Fog up
With my quick breaths,
This is just another sad poem
In a see of unhappy people,
That doesn't make much sense,
But if it slowed your breathing,
Like it did mine,
If it helped you lost track of your
Panic
For a second,
Maybe it was worth the hurt
Of walking myself
Through a panic attack