[04/19, 22:15] Mamii.777: It feuls my heartbeat with gasoline, accelerates it with passion , reminds me of love , true love , the unbearable hurt , but oddly satisfying kinda hurt ... The most ecstatic pain  , deep melancholic euphoria .. A timeless paradox called love .

[04/19, 22:17] My Loviedoo: Are you bored

[04/19, 22:18] Mamii.777: No , I'm passionate about writing and expressing what I feel and what my gut tells me , but I **** because I haven't channelled all this energy in the right direction babe .

[04/19, 22:22] My Loviedoo: Talk to me about something real not yo mind assumptions

[04/19, 22:24] Mamii.777: I'm really sorry . controlling emotions is very difficult , not all of us have mastered it . and it haunts me . if there is one thing I hate about myself its that , I can't control my emotions . where there's rage it rages . but I will indeed calm them and create a pool of tranquillity within my heart but for now I have to keep reminding myself it's not an emotion , just a chemical imbalance in the brain

“You are not an artist.
You are not an artist.”

        What photos must I shoot
        How many cigarettes must I smoke

It is scary, but - I want to embody the things which destroy minds

Summer vibes feel like radiation

Use this alcohol to eradicate
The proposition - that I will be ‘okay’

My phone is on airplane mode

My ambition is floating - as a feather might -
Down to the depths

I cannot finish my own sentences

Bury my expectation with my religion

        And it’s funny
        Because I have resolved my mind to avoid romantic
        confrontation
        But, alas - I do day-dream
        Of a girl’s face & hair - for it has appeared in my dreams four
        times
        And I awake to Deja-Vu as her face appears in conscious
        frames
So…

I can imagine & I can see, but - they have become one in the same
Could not fantasize asking
Your hand in mine

Oh how I wish to cry
To sob in any light so long as you are in sight
Someone to reassure me, that - yes
“There is an end to the night.”

But I cannot. I suppress it in drives. In music videos. In writing. In self-speaking when I have only me to keep company.

Kick me off the team.
I do not know what I need.
If I could lead, as I once did.

But I have left concern in the refrigerator
With empty bottles & cans
Maybe I will return tomorrow to salvage the cents of my malleable integrity  
Won’t you reliquinish me of it ?

For I have sipped the poison of honesty
Regretfully it tastes like honey
Lustful - Fleeting - Sugary - Intoxicating

i hate love .
it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
it ****** me off
it makes me feel like I'm not good enough , constanlty second guessing my worth.
it makes me care more for the other than i do for myself .
it makes me feel uneasy and lets me build up high walls around my heart
love makes me feel like fool.
it makes me feel all these emotions at once leaving me confused ,  and turning me into a complete mess

but then everytime time i see your face , i just think to myself
maybe being in love is not so bad after all

i still miss you. i never stopped missing you. but i'll be okay.