Recovery is not
Simple
It's not being better
It's bumps in the road

Recovery is relapse
Going back to old habits
Because it's easier than
Coping

Recovery is hiding the
Pain because everyone else
Believes it's gone

For me
Recovery just
Isnt a reality
I'll likely die before
"It gets better"

Suicide is not a ***** word!
It's helplessness
It's feeling like an ending will
Benefit those around it
It is death for a cause
It's leaving behind a world
That refused to believe in
Struggle they can't see



Depression is not a ***** word!
It's a vortex of
Emptiness
Swirling through my veins
Smiles that fail to hide the pain
A sadness that ***** the
Joy from daily activity
Preventing me from
Doing more than merely existing

Anxiety is not a ***** word!
It's an abundance of mental energy
Keeping me up late at night
It's consuming
Nerves that never leave
Thoughts you can't shake
Despite how they've shaken you

Mental health is not *****
Its's not something that should be
Wrong or
Frowned upon

We need to change this narrative
Because it's not a death sentence
And we don't need to be outcasts
Acceptance goes a long way

Dear muse
I know I said
This was over but
There are still things
Left unsaid
Things you need to know

I can't just leave
Everything we had behind us
It meant
So much to me

We were friends for
Six years and I
Thought that meant something
Maybe our friendship
Could come first

You threw
Everything away and
Wonder why I'm hurt

I loved you so much
Somehow still do
I would give everything to
Be with you

You know so
Much about me
The things I told you are all real

I want you back
In my life
We had something good

Dear muse
I deserve answers
The least you could do
Is tell me the truth so I can
Finally let go
Of what we
Used to be

Dear Mitch
You are the
Realest part of me
Even though you don't exist

Nobody accepts you, and
I am sorry
Sorry you won't find the
Happiness we deserve

I am holding on
Mostly for you to
See if you will
Thrive in a world I'm floundering in

I know parts of you
Mitch, you are happy
Living in a body that is scar free

You have a future
One beyond your
Twenties and Thirties
You have a zest for life
One that I am losing

This body
This life
It's yours to take
I need you

I hope one day
The world understands
Why you are so much
Better more
Deserving
Of this life than me

Scars slowly fading away
An urge that feels
Impossible to beat
This battle that is a
Constant loss

Butchered skin waiting
Questioning
Will I be whole?
Should these
Wounds be reopened

Blade is a
Poisonous addiction
Maybe I'm not
Sorry
I started

Couldn't help that
Life got out of control
Aided in the beginning
Refused to let it end

It's sad really
Relapse I mean
Three years
Clean
Blade called out to me

Will it ever be over?
Will I ever stop
Scaring my body

Will I ever
Learn how to
Love this person I am or
Will I die trying to
Figure it out?

Dear muse
I am done
Beating myself up
Over your decisions

You could have
Done better
Made time for us
Kept a friendship
You could have stayed
Should have stayed

This has
Taken up
Too much of my life
Swallowed me whole

It's been over
Longer than I've
Been willing to admit
It's not like I
Moved on in a week

Even if I had moved
So fast from you
It's not as bad as
Leaving when we
Were us
When he loved
Each other to the end

All the lies
Have eaten me up
For such a long time
Distance ****** but we
Could have figured it out

I don't need to
Scar my skin
Starve my body
Lose my mind for
Someone who
Played me and
Wouldn't actually
Care
If I was gone

Dear muse
I have moved on
Found parts of myself
Thought long gone
Discovered my
Passion for writing

Dear muse
Yes there's someone new
But don't think
I've totally
Forgiven and forgotten you

Dear muse
Is this the end?
Will my mind finally
Withdraw from the
Memories clinging

These memories need to be
Burnt with the rest of my heart
Crumble and disappear
A wisp of smoke

I still don't know
Whats real
Too many unanswered
Questions words
Wanting to be spoken

Dear muse
I am
Tired of this
You refuse to say
You were wrong
Admit you caused
This pain

Dear muse
How could you
Act like you
Never knew me
Act like we never
Had anything

You can't just block me
Pretend I don't exist or have feelings
Pretend that it all
Meant less than nothing

It hurts
So ******* much
That it could
Get me in trouble

Dear muse
You treated me
So very wrong
Im scared
Someones treating me right

Dear muse
I hate the way
It feels
Like nothing
We had was real

We definitely had
Something special
Between us two

Even if it was
Just friends I
Never had anyone
Like you in life

I thought we would
Last forever
Have a love that
Refused to die out

I wanted us
To be together
To have a life
To feel love
Us two together

Dear muse
I hate writing about us
In past tense
Hate what we had
Is over now
I hope someday
We find our way back

Dear muse
I didnt really
Believe
In love before you
Proved me wrong

We were right together
Just us separate
From the world around us
Me and you
We had forever

Its not all
Hateful animosity
Its more like
Confusion and
Regrets
Eating away at me

What changed?
Did it mean
Anything to you?
Was this all
In my head?

Dear muse
I just want
Answers to
Move on and be
Happy
Stop blaming myself
For your actions

Dear muse
I thought I was
Closer to
Being over you
Man do I wish
That was true

This morning i cried
Again over you
Feeling so much hurt
Yet all it felt was empty

You were
Everything to me
Still are and I am
Unsure of
What went wrong

Dear muse
I miss you
I love you
Why
Why dont you
Feel it too?

Fingers flying across the
Keyboard
Freshly clipped from the
Confines of my mind
Wishing these words
Made sense
Meant something to
Any faceless name


Trying to
Escape the memories
Past has left behind
Destruction left in its wake
Never holding the
Culprit responsible

Your touched is
Etched into my body
From a time before
Everything surrounding me
Broke with each breath

Solace isnt good for me
Left alone too long
Thoughts creep back in
Reminding me that
Broken has been surpassed

Not sure how long
Its been of
Existing without
Living or surviving
But I know that
Im alone in this

Nobody knows the truth
Emotional exorcism of
Dark days
Not so long gone

Thought I was better
What a lie
My scars can tell you
Different stories

Truth will always
Be hidden behind
Madness and lies
But it's there
Reminding me
What I've done

Trust is my
Biggest flaw
Forever a mistake
The ones I need
Always leave

Dear muse
I dont want to
Feel this anymore
All the pain and heartbreak
Caused by your selfishness

I am tired
Blaming myself ***** and
I need something to change

I lnow this isnt
All my fault
All in my head

Its real and flying to
These pages
No longer blank canvases

Dear muse
Just talk to me
One more time
Give me the answers I
Seek to make me whole
Close the door and
Start a fresh chapter

Dear muse
You are the
Worst of everyone
Who hurt me
Which is saying a lot

You knew all the
Insanity people put
Me through
Knew the way to
Get under my skin

You lied when you
Could have been honest
Did six years of friendship mean
Nothing to you?
Was any of this real?

Dear muse
Ive already lost
My will to fight this
Already forgiven you
All I wish is you
Would love me too

Dear mue
I cant trust myself
Or anyone else
Really its
All because of
You

Your dedication to
This lie was great but
Once the
Fabrication slipped
It was just chaos

We burned bright
Together
Or maybe this was
All in ny own mind

Were you just
Using me
Putting on a show
Til you
Found someone better
Like im just the
Punchline to some
Sick twisted joke

Dear muse
I trusted you to
Protect my heart
Now you're another
Scar chinking my armor

Dear muse
Part of me
Wants to thank you
For giving me
Inspiration to
Write again

Maybe you didnt
Know Ive been having
Trouble with words and
Insecurities but ****

Hell you
Created for me
Lead to this
Burst of energy

Creativity was
Oozing from my mind
Bursting out inside
Last remaining
Shards of my heart

These words
Falling onto the page
I dedicate them all to you
This is what you deserve

Dear muse
I hope you
See this someday
Know how bad
Your "love" scarred me

Dear muse
Why wont you leave my
Mind like you left
Me alone in the dark

Its getting
Harder to keep
My thoughts im order
Without drifting back to you

I have so much to say
More to lose and i
Cant stop
Writing to you

You are everywhere
Except where
I need you to be

Dear muse
I hate needing you
Missing you and that
You left
Please
Find your way back

Dear muse
I thought you
Were different
That you may
Keep your promises
Or actually stay

Who am I kidding?
You left like it
Was your job and I
Acted like that was okay

I feel so cliche
Missing you when
Lets face it
Whatever love you told me
Was a lie and

It makes no sense
Why did you have to lie?
Things coulda been different
At least I tried

Dear muse
I should have
Known better than to
Think you'd stay
Like an invitation to
Walk away

Dear muse
How unlucky
I still dont
Know what to
Do without you

Its unfortunate
Really that
Everyone else will
Get compared to
What we had

Even worse
Its very possible
It was nothing
That part of you was
Fiction-
Just the part that loved me

Im not sure
Where it all went wrong
How we wasted
Emotion fawning over each other
When most of it was
Likely a lie

Dear muse
So much of me
Wants you dead
But who would I be
Had I never met thee

Dear muse

Dozen times Ive tried
Writing the pain away
Memory doesnt so
Easily fade

The thing is
I dont want to
Feel any of this
Not sad or angry or hurt

I dont know
How to make this
All better

Turn me back into a person
Not a shell
Struggling to
Define the worth of life

Dear muse
If I die now
I hope you feel
Enough to know
What we had was
Real to me

Dear muse
Another day
Without you
Leaving me alone
Despite the fact
Youre already gone

I dont get it
Why it was
So easy for you to
Leave
Forget about us

We were perfect
Now everything feels wrong

Dear muse
Help me
Understand
Where it
All went wrong

Dear muse
I think I
Imagined
Something better of
What we were

Thought that maybe...
You could be
More than an
Anomaly
Hidden outside a screen

I haven't quite
Figured out
Why...
Can't I get over you

I know this
Isn't hurting you
Which *****
Life force outta me

Dear muse
You should know
This-
It's all on you

Dear muse
I am exhausted
Mentally just checked out

Everything keeps
Coming back
To you to us

I have no idea
When you became so
Real to me

Dear muse
Can we go back
To friends
I am dying
Without you near

Dear muse

I've had too much
Of you
Banging around in my head
Rampaging on my heart

Now that I want you gone
You're front row
When I needed you
You took a bow

Am I totally
Losing my
Grip on humanity
Drowned out of reality
Lost without sanity

Not sure why now
You're finally gone
I can't breathe

Dear muse
I'm so weak
Let me free of your
Clutches the
Way you got over me

Dear muse
Are you proud of
How much you hurt me?
I've never wrote to anyone
As much as I have
About you

Is it good? or bad?
That you left me so broken

I'm still waiting
For it to get better
One week later and
Still...
Beating myself up over you

Dear muse
Will this pain ever go away?

Dear muse
Do you remember
When we first met?
How I was drawn
By your writing
Before I really
Knew who you were

Our writing
Bonded us together
Sparked the ignition
Of a flame
Thought to burn forever

We were two kids
Made for this love
But not this life

Always hanging by a
Strand of light
Can't blame myself
Forever
For you leaving me blind

Dear muse
This ink
Bleeds for you

Dear muse
I cant stop it
Stop myself from loving you
Youre on my heart and in my mind

My heart
Still aches for you
Bleeds for you and my
Mind has attached itself to
Your memory

In the worst ways
Im suffocating and
Killing myself waiting

Dear muse
I dont know what to think
I needed you to be there
So you decide its
Best to disappear

Dear muse
It feels like
Im writing you a book
Coming out in
Fragmented pieces

Maybe I would
Put all my
Hurt of you
In a story
If I could

Honestly these
Jumbled Thoughts
Would be lost to the
Rest of the world

And oh muse
We would be one
Hell of an angelic duo
But you arent such an angel
For breaking the
Innocent

Dear muse
Too often you
Have ruled my mind
A sacred expanse
Overtaken by you
And that used to
Make me feel good

If anybody was
Going to
Invade my universe
Rule the kingdom
Control my soul
Im glad it was you

I wish it still was
You
Who made me feel
Like I was someone

Without you it
Barely feels like existing at all
Im here but
Life
Thats moving around me

Dear muse
I miss you and
Ill be here
If you're ever ready

Dear muse
Its really not fair
How everyone else
Will be compared to
Who I thought you were

The person I loved
Wasn't really you
Wow that makes me feel crazy

Every day
Still passes
Without you here
But I swear
My heart stands
Still stuck on you

Forever waiting
For an us
That will never be
Because I still love you
Despite the uncertainty
Please answer:
Was I ever somebody to you
?

Dear heartbreak
I shouldve known
Shouldve seen you
Sitting on the doorstep
Waiting to
Welcome me home

I shouldnt have brushed you off
Pushed you to the side
You were still waiting
Knowing Id find my way back
Back to you

Baby,
You did a number on me
Took hold of and
Controlled me

I gave up
So much of
Myself to you
Stopped eating
Hardly living
Barely breathing

Im finally
Taking myself back
Please
Understand that

Dear muse
This goes out to you
Whether the world knew it
You're a real person
Instead of this fiction
But the truth:
If you were fiction
You couldn't have hurt me

We spent 6 long years together
Forming our bond, growing close

You were not just someone to me
Not anyone could
Make me feel like this
You are EVERYTHING to me

You are the only
one in seven billion
To make me feel real

Without you my
Body exists with a mind adrift
The sad thing is
If you come back to me
I'll welcome you
Straight to my arms
Since you
Never left my heart

Dear mom,
Please stop blaming me
Using society as a shield for the
Disgust YOU feel towards ME

You expect too much
Refuse to say
What you want and
I know I know
It's all my fault
Isn't it always?

Stop being selfish
My anger isn't some
Guarantee you ****** up
It wasn't you
Someone hurt me
To protect you I fell silent
**** that angered you

Stop expecting me
To behave on behalf of society
One that
Threw me away
As a child
Shunned my differences
When I couldn't explain them

You never accept that
You have anything to do with
What happens to me

Dear mom,
Want the truth?
Here it is:
I spent a week
Starving myself to
Feel better and free
While you continued to
Badger me

I'm not even sorry
That I can't blame myself
For once I NEED
Selfishness-
At least enough
To tolerate myself

Dear special nobody
On this Valentine's Day
I'm wishing for you

You're not here
But my heart
Still purrs for you

All I want
Is you, is us
An imperfect two

I'll love you
Every second of
Every day

I'll hold on hope
That you'll feel the same
Maybe love me too

Hopefully soon
You'll be my
Special somebody

Until then
I'll write for you
As long as I have to

Venomous lies
Drip through my ears
Reverberate in my skull
Reminding me of who
YOU
Really are

Scars litter my mind
While yours is clear
No shame, no doubt no fear
What we had was a joke
Stringing me along
Until you were done

Your heart is stone
Toying with everyone’s emotions
Acting on instinct
Never looking back

I gave you so
Much of me
Did you even care?
Was any word or emotion real
Or was it a facade
To build US up
So you could
Break ME down?

I can’t remember now
Why I trusted you for so long
Unanswered questions will
Forever linger

I am
Stronger
Now than I was before
I won’t be broken by the
Memories you left anymore

Does that make him
Strong
In your eyes?

His facade is
All you want to see
No matter the pain and
How much he dies inside
Trying to hold it together

He has too many
Questions
He wonders
Why
Why must I hide my tears?
Why do they make me weak?
Why can’t I just cry?
Why. Why. Why.
Nobody dares answer

He feels like some
Emotionless freak
A robot who will die
With these volts of electricity
But he must hold back
Conform to
Society’s standards of
Strength for men

Just because you never
See his tears
Or glimmers
Staining his cheeks
Doesn’t make them any less real

One day soon
They will all fall down
Drowning him
Those feelings he hid
Bubbling up to the surface
Shattering every expectation
You gave him

Fluffy puppies all around
Hiding bones underground
Failing to not make any sound

Inside, outside sniffing the air
Of their surroundings they are aware
They don’t do it to give you a scare
They want to show you that they care

Chihuahuas, Chow Chows, corgis too
Enough breeds to fill a zoo

Too many breeds to name
I love them all the same

While every puppy is great
Mine was brought to me by fate
Not a moment too late

My puppy makes my heart full
Life with him is never dull

While my dog may drive me crazy
He is forever my baby

I love you more than
My heart and mind
Have the capacity for
But nothing could scare me away
Make me walk out the door

I love you more than
Endless words that are
Impossible to say
Ones that won’t do you justice
At the end of the day

I love you more than
That song I play on repeat
The one that helps me pick up the pieces
In the midst of a defeat

The fact is I love you
More than fiction
Allows me to
Escape what we call reality
Because you are better than any fantasy

I love you more than
Lazy days gone by
Ones that never
Make me want to cry


I love you more
Than you’ll ever know
I hope one day I’ll be able
To show it and I hope
One day you’ll feel it too

There's no more tears when
Your name flashes through my mind
No more heartbreak
When I remember how you
Walked out the door

Theres no more pain
You were the one who
Walked away
What a shame

I will not hold on to you anymore
This is the last time you get to
Leave me all alone

I won't wait around for you
To not love me too
I'd be crazy to

I'm not holding on anymore
Hope, love, happiness
All out the door

If you ever come back
I'll shut the door in your face
I'll have the
Pieces of my heart
Back in a good place

How long did it take you
To move on and
Forget what we were

You were everything
It took so long to
Pick up the pieces
When you left me

No reason
One day here
The next you
Disappear

I wonder now
If I ever cross your mind
You still come to mine

Missing you hurts
We were so good
But you left
Without a trace and
My heart
Lost its place

I never feel my anxiety
Creeping in on me
It crashes down in
Waves of panic and horror

When it finally reaches shore
It's pulling back
Waiting to attack again

There's no real
Calm inside this storm
Swirling in my mind

When the waves hit
Gotta brace for impact
Lest it pull you under

Pieces you left of me
Shattered over the floor
Walking on glass
It's no surprises I have
Scars covering my body

You knew I was broken
When you left
But you took advantage
Acted like you cared

I was nothing before
What would that make me now?
Silent, broken, alone
I'll never be
Anywhere near whole

Sorry I'm such a bad friend
All my efforts to please you
Were never good enough

Sorry that
Every time you needed me
I dropped everything for you

When my heart was broken
I gave the pieces left to you

Sorry that you
Couldn't accept me
No matter what I did
You always put me down

And I'm sorry
It took so long for me
To leave the toxicity
That you caused me

Even on "good days" im still haunted
By the memories of the past
Creepy crawling up my back
I can hear their voices taunting me
Feel their faces close to me
People who hurt me
Still in the back of my memories

Even on good days
I am ****** into darkness
A void that never quite leaves
Whose grip refuses to release me

Even on good days
I cant help the
Wandering  thoughts
Drifting into self mutilation
I'm never going to be good enough

Even on good days
Im not convinced theres hope
No permanent change
No future worth fighting for

Even on good days i am
Surrounded by the poison
That clouds my mind
Yet somehow I stay here
Somehow I'm alive

Dear self,
You were so collected
For a really long time
But you have just disconnected
From reality
Hell that courses through your veins is
Bubbling up inside of you
Threatening to pour out and
Ruin the picture you've created

You're slipping
I can feel
Shadows of darkness
Poking holes into you

First thoughts:
"Why am I here?"
"I can't do this"
"I wish I had a blade"
"I want it to end"

But somehow
Those dark thoughts
While taking over
Don't totally ruin me

Self,
You are here.
You are clean.
You can do it.
​​​​​​​

Figuring out what
It all means
Family
Mine is torn to shreds
Mom is here
Dad is there
I'm somewhere in the middle

Pieces of me so many places
Mom takes the serious me
Dark secrets inside of me

Dad takes the chiller part of me
Go out have fun
Not take on the
Weight of the world

Together they made me whole
As they drift,
So do I
Ever deeper into the unknown

But lately it's just me
Working around the broken pieces
Waiting for things to return

Now it's mom here
Dad there
And
I'm
Nowhere to be found

Family kept me together
But there's nothing left
Just pieces of
What used to be

Tell me this isn't just in my head
I'm hanging on by a thread
To a dream of sanity
Where there's some clarity
Of what I should do
Can't wait forever for you
To change your mind about me
Who I am Who we could be

It means nothing at all
Waiting here for the fall
I'm stuck waiting for you
To be here for me too
Hanging on to lost hope
Barely able to cope

Could you save me
Help me become free
I wish you were here
I need you to be near

When im wothout you
There's nothing I can do

We are all somebody
We matter
Someone somewhere out there
Notices us, thinks about us
Remembers us

To the person
That someone who cares
Thank you for
Not being a nobody

You could've stood by and
Left me behind
Let me suffer in silence
But you were there
You'll never know
Just how much that meant to me

I wish I could return the favor
But you don't need me
You came in and then
Left like you were never here

People always leave
Even you, my somebody left
But someday I'll find my way
Can't stay a nobody forever
Or can I?

Everything about her
Was perfection
Her laugh her smile her nose

Love was all I
Felt around her
I never felt anything bad
Always safe and secure

She hated herself
Could never see
Beauty in her flaws

She never believed
When I told her I loved her
One day she
Stopped loving me
But she'll always
Mean the world to me

I had to make some
Mistakes to
Figure out who I am
My mistakes made me the
Person I am today

Growing up I was
Never a know it all
Didn't really know
I had a voice
When I found my voice
I was too afraid to use it

At school
I stayed silent
Let everyone speak
To me, for me, about me
Those people
Didn't even know me

At home
My voice was overpowered
By my siblings
Who knew more than me
I just let everyone else
Get their way

Always a follower
Never a leader
Maybe that's why
I had to act out to
Find my way

Even now
Using my voice is scary
My family tells me to
Speak my mind
They get annoyed when I'm silent
When I speak
They never want to hear it

I want to do right
But everything's wrong
How can I be sure
That I do what's best for me
Instead of what other people
Decide is best?

Growing up is hard
Making mistakes
Learning how to
Grow thick skin and
Get over your problems
Can be difficult when you
Never learned
How to like yourself