Deeee

Deeee Jul 2016

I cry

I cry
But not as you do
My tears are not saline
And they do not fall from my eyes

I cry
And with the tears fall years and years of pain and torture
With the tears fall decades of gloom and darkness
With the tears fall chains and ropes and blindfolds

I cry*.
But not as you do
My tears are crimson in shade
And they fall from my wrists.

#cutting #depression #tears

Deeee Jun 2016

I know you don't

He would say "I love you"
I knew he did
I knew I was his world
I knew he wanted to hold me
To keep me safe

So I said "I love you too"
He was my king
My tiger, my teddybear
He was my pillar

But he said "I know you don't"

I was confused
You know I don't?
Don't love you?
I was confused
I was offended
I was angry

You know I don't?
After everything...
You know I don't?
After all this time
You know I don't?
After all we had said and done for each other
After all the plans we had shared
After all the hurdles we'd jumped
After all the nights together and all the nights alone
After everything
You know I don't?

I didn't think that having your love rejected
Is just as bad as being actually rejected
It was a knee to the gut
A palm across my face
I was giving you my heart
and you were dropping it

"I love you"
"I know you don't"

I knew you loved me
I could see it
I could feel it

*Why couldn't you see it too?

Based on a true story

#love #doubt #rejection

Deeee Jun 2016

invIsible

Can you hear me as I scream your name? Can you hear me as I scream at the top of my lungs for you to come home and wrap your arms around me? Do you feel me calling out that I need you here with me?

You don't.

Because you're only in my dreams. You're million miles away and you don't even know that I exist. You've saved my life a thousand times. You fill my dreams every night. You're all I think about and all I talk about. You're all I've ever wanted...
And you don't know my name.
I want to be the one you run to when you're cut too deep. The one you think about when it hurts too much. The one who holds you when the tears come rushing out. I want to save your life just once; as you've done for me a thousand times.

Deeee Jun 2016

Once Again

Once again I find myself racing
Racing through the forest
My feet are sore from running over mulch and twigs
My lungs are burning from the cold air rushing in and out
My face is frozen from the constant stream of tears
My arms are scarred from the rogue branches that strike me

Once again I find myself tired
I sit to take a breath
I lean against a rugged trunk
I close my eyes
and just when I do
I hear them calling
I feel them reaching
I taste their lusting for me

Once again I find myself there
At the edge of the forest
Where the grass is green and the flowers grow
Where the sunlight glows and warms the people
where I should be
I feel the grass with my toes
I reach out for a flower...

Once again I find myself racing
Racing through the forest
Maybe next time I'll feel the grass with my whole foot
Maybe next time I'll get the flower

#depression #gloom #attachment

Deeee May 2016

I love...d you

It started with the fingertips of our hands. They touched. They melded. Next were our wrists. Fingers intertwined, shock waves coursing. Then came our lips. And our hips. Fire burning, sparks flying. Scorching each part of us. And we loved it. Soul to soul, skin on skin.
Sentiments breathed.
Feelings shared.
Words meant.
We became completely merged. Inseparable. Just us, to take on the world together.
A team. A pairing. A union.

And then came the fingertips of our hands. Peeling off. Slowly, nondescript. Next were our wrists. Dropping everything we held close.
Dropping the spark.
Dropping the flame.
Then our faces moved far enough apart that we could see. And we saw. I hadn’t wanted to see. I had wanted to close my eyes and touch you again. To pick up our flame and run.
With you by my side I could have.
But I had seen. And I knew. And you knew. So we parted. As slowly as we had merged.
*As painfully as well.

#love #passion #pain #lostlove

Deeee May 2016

Grinnie: #2

I’m seated…in an armchair…in an empty room…facing a glass wall. I don’t know if you can see me, but I can see you. Seated calmly on your own armchair…sometimes you like to look around…sometimes you close your eyes. I stand up and walk toward the wall…may as well be a one-sided reflector…and I gently place my hand on the glass. I see you get up to do the same. The look in your eyes is distant…you don’t seem to see me…but your hand is directly opposite mine. Only the glass is stopping our fingers from interlocking. Only the glass is keeping us apart. Only the glass…
The glass which I put up. The glass which I strategically placed between us. I drop my hand and begin to pace around the room. Throwing a glance at you, I see that your palms…now both…are pressed against the glass…but your eyes… so empty…so distant! And it’s all my fault. I drop myself onto the ground behind my armchair. I dig my fingers into my hair. I squeeze my eyes shut. I think. All my questions are whys. My answers make me hate myself. I would be completely fine had I been the only one yearning for you. Had I been the only one aching to know how you are. The only one craving you. Had you been completely oblivious to the reasons of my departure and the fact that it was a conscious move on my part. Had you thought it was just one of those drifting things… "Happens all the time!” But you know. You know why, and you don’t understand. Because hearts don’t understand. I would know.
So what do I do? I can’t bring myself to break the glass, but I can’t bear seeing you like this. I can’t harbor the thought of the possibility of you actually feeling this way because of me. I’m bound by the past…held back by previous happenings…I am in the ******* of past heartbreaks and prominent fears. I do wish I could break the glass, I really do…
That’s why you weren’t supposed to know.
Your temporary friend, Grinnie

#story #series