I like to pretend that year never existed
that I never spun out of control

I forbid myself from thinking about it
that time when any light in me was obliterated

I dissociate my current self from her
that pathetic shadow of a person

I tell myself I am not the same so often
that I start to believe it was someone else

I try so hard to forget who I was
that I have no idea who I am

I think that I should not feel
neutral
I think that I should feel
hopelessly in love
or hopelessly enraged
or hopelessly hurt

but instead
I feel neutral

Yearning for that which shall not be returned
I openly confess my heart’s desires
Only to end up abandoned and burned.
You let me down gently; your mind retires.
Yet I am left with a bitter disdain;
The words relay in my mind to this day.
Your harrowing response, terribly plain:
“I love you so much, but not in that way.”
     The sun rises - each day begins anew.
     And so I will learn to move on from you.

you told me not to look under your bed
because hidden underneath was something very personal
something you didn't want me to see

but then you went on vacation
and the temptation was so strong
with your empty room calling to me

so I reached under the bright blue bed skirt
and pulled out the crisp envelope
that was no longer sealed

and slowly I read the message
that said she didn't want me
she only wanted you

placing the envelope back where I found it
I permanently hid the tears
and my disrupted reality

*didn't she ever wonder why I disappeared?