The wind can blow and the snow can fall,
I'll watch as the land is covered
in a sparking, dazzling white blanket.
But here I'll stay, once and for all.

I'm tired of standing alone,
waiting for someone to be my friend,
like you did so many years ago.
Though, then, I was without a home.

You built me up and showed me fun,
told me you'd always be by my side
but somewhere along the way, you
ran away and our friendship was done.

I decided to run away like you,
however I ran from everything
and everyone even myself.
You made it seem like the thing to do...

For days on end I ran away,
through the blinding storm and
freezing cold, scared outta my mind.
Yet I longed for pain to stay.

Somehow I found a big crooked tree,
sturdy and calm with nothing
for miles around, except a grassy ground.
I sat down and made it a part of me.

Forever this would be my home
hiding me in the shadows of its
huge trunk and letting me stay
quiet and alone.

I noticed how short your nails were
and that you tried to brush out the cow licks in your hair
and I noticed how you grind your teeth when you dream
and how you would jump at the slightest sound
and I noticed that your favorite colors were blue and black and green.

but you only noticed how pink my lips were
and you only noticed how soft my knees were
and you only noticed how I would give you anything if you didn't ask
and you only noticed what you wanted to know and not what you wanted to wonder

but i wonder if you felt the scars on my thighs as you slid your hand passed them
and i wonder if you heard the nervous chuckles when i came up for air
and i wonder if you remember that my eyes are blue and green and my heart is black and i wanted to be your favorite because parts of me are broken and i wanted you to wonder why.

John. I haven't read one letter since you left. I'm scared to open an envelope and see the same note you left before you let your dreams, goals, days all hang from a rope. To be honest I don't know what it was that you needed to hear, what words could've saved your life. But I can say that old coffee shop feels emptier. My room feels colder. My eyes look darker. I don't smile at seasons changing anymore. I've been avoiding all mirrors because I can't bare to see myself without you.
    You were the best person I've ever met. It almost seemed unfair that I let such a perfect person be with a broken mess like me. You were so funny and the way your eyes lit up when you told a story...Oh God. I'm not religious but when you looked at me that way I thought we were both going to hell. Your laugh was all I needed to make a bad day better, oh what I would do to make you laugh.
   I know you hated long car rides and you knew I hated distance. Who knew 6 feet could feel longer than 100,000 miles.? Because now you're resting underground and I don't sleep without sleeping pills. I miss you so much. I miss you. I miss you.

The world is dark
cold and
shallow
Yet still deep enough to drown in.
And you expect me to step into it willingly?