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Q o'crde May 2017
i hope one day
i will smile at a person
who used to be a great part of me
rather than leave a bitter taste.
  Jan 2017 Q o'crde
Kelly Bitangcol
In every battle, it is impossible to never have a speech. I have noticed that in watching movies. Like in Independence day, the President delivered a speech to the U.S Fighter Pilots before the battle. “ Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world.”, yeah that’s how it goes. Or like King Aragorn’s battle speech at the black gate in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, “Hold your ground! Hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers”, he said. And it can even be a simple “May the force be with us” before battling with the galactic empire. And you cannot only see that in movies, there are speeches in real life which also inspired people to fight, like Patrick Henry’s Give me Liberty or Give me death, Winston Churchill’s We Shall Never Surrender, and our battles in our lives. Everyone will always encounter battles in their lives, and maybe we also had speeches for ourselves, created by us, for us, to continue fighting. And they say having a mental illness also means undergoing a battle. Many battles, and one of them, is a battle against the stigma. A battle to end the stigma of mental health. And now I will deliver my speech, to everyone of you, this is my battle speech, telling you to stop romanticizing them.

Poems **** once said that depression is a strange, yet comforting feeling. Comforting feeling, when you feel absolutely terrible, that even eating ice cream and watching your favourite movie can’t do anything to make you feel better. And when they ask you what’s wrong, the worse part is you don’t know. When you’re all alone, and no one is there for you, so you just feel like your inner demons are hugging you and telling you to just end everything. It’s when people tell you that happiness is a choice, it’s like a multiple choice exam, in which you just choose the best answer, but why does it seem to me that the choices I got were nothing compared to the best, and where is happiness? It’s none of the above. There is nothing comforting, nothing artistic, nothing beautiful about depression. It is not an artsy tumblr poem, it’s not an aesthetic, it’s not something you wish you could have,  depression is a total *******!

A twitter account said that anxiety is just another form of excitement. So does it mean that when I have panic attacks, I am just excited? When I avoid everyday situations, when I can’t get out of my house, when I can’t even get out of my bed, because all of those things cause me anxiety. When I expect the worst in everything that I do and it will ruin the hell out of me. When I’m in a job interview, and I suddenly have my panic attack. When I feel that in every place I will go to, I will experience danger and catastrophe. So you see, that anxiety is not another form of excitement, it is not a trend, it’s a difficult thing to have, it's experiencing chaos everyday in your life and who would want that?

Why do we think that having mental illnesses are wonderful? Why do we wish to have them when there are people suffering? Why are we belittling them, telling them they’re crazy, that it’s all in your mind, but can’t you see, that having chaos inside my mind is the most difficult thing you could ever have. Why do we think they’re weak, when they are fighting battles everyday and they never give up. Why do we think that people with mental illness are just asking for attention when they are asking for help because that’s the thing they need? Imagine that the demons inside of you gave you a gift that you didn’t want, and you can’t seem to destroy it, to leave it, because you think your demons have won. But they didn’t, and they will never. And we are fighting with you, we are with you.

In every battle, there will always be the ones who win. The ones who will achieve the greatest feat, happiness and contentment. But they say, that this battle against the stigma, is a never ending war. However, have you all forgotten who we are? If this is a never ending war, then we are the  fighters.  And we will never ever stop fighting.

Q o'crde Jun 2016

one hundred
the number after 99 and
before the thousandth

one hundred unsent letters
written and burnt and a couple of more still kept abandon

one hundred unsaid confessions
of how I terribly miss you
that exchanging of sweet nothings wasn't enough

one hundred at failed attempts of reaching out
that I think we weren't working things out on what should be
but still kept the fire at bay until the breath of earth had fused the rest of the littlest dust

one hundred of miles apart

one hundred of flowers laid next to you
even hundreds of aching hearts were entomb - they never became the same
and a couple of more hundreds ever since your departure

—you were one then became a hundred of versions
but I will never forgot the first I have grasp from

I wished I have known you better
and the rest
Q o'crde May 2016
the first part of something,
of everything
the feeling of oddly new, strange

like new years
for a brief moment, maybe
if you'd asked me? oh boy,
it never felt like one

it was just days and months replacing what we once marked on calendars and places
and saying, "this day from last year, " or the other,
explaining every detail how we witnessed every sunset at the same spot at the park
drinking the same coffee from the same cafe
meeting in places where we started
from talking for the first time to crossing out the words from our ultimate getaway list

new years isn't just a beginning
"don't make the same stupid mistake again," someone would've said
such as me,
to the millennials
to my clan
to you
to myself also
to the entire population
reminding us to keep on living once in a long time
"you could do better," perhaps
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