She held her other hand and intertwined her fingers.
she had him in mind. stuck in her own bubble of thoughts and imaginations.
She imagined it as his hands.
she doesn't know who, though. But she loved the thought of someone's hands intertwined with hers.
At night, she would talk endlessly into her phone.
It's not open, though. But she still talks and talk and talk until her story is finished.
She likes to think that she's talking to him on her phone.
She's not. She knows that.
The act just makes her feel less lonely.
It makes her feel as if someone would just love to listen to her rants and never ending stories or even about
how her day went.
She types her thoughts in the notes of her phone.
Thoughts that never made it out of her mouth.
Thoughts that she'd like to share with him.

And every time she does these things, reality slaps her hard in the face.
"Wake yourself up. It's never gonna happen."
And a tear always makes itself known as she opens her eyes.
And her happy fantasy crashes down as her heart did.

-F.T. 06.04.18

i love being in my own world; earphones plugged in, a stroll outside, or even sitting down and staring at nothing.
walking alone at night, the silence keeping me warm.
i guess  got used to being alone, that sometimes, it's loud even if it's silent.
i guess i got used to it so much, that sometimes, i love home more when it's quiet.
i know, to some it might sound selfish, (or maybe it's just me) but i'm just used to it.

that's why it's weird for me to feel the need for your presence.
it's weird to feel as if you should be here right next to me; to feel as if our skins should always be touching each other.
it's just... weird.

it's as if being alone feels foreign, now.
my hand now feels cold whenever yours aren't there to warm it.
now, i just love the fact that i could share my earphones with you; my music, my own little world with you in it.
i feel as if i'm no longer selfish.
as if home isn't home without your voice to fill it.

i love the fact that your mere smile replaces the deafening silence in my head.
and my eyes went from staring at nothing, to staring at you.
i love the fact that i'm getting used to that; that i'm getting used to you.

you who made my world sound better.

her face breaks into a grin as she sees the first few drops of the rain.
All the sadness, anger, gone all the pain.

the bliss she feels as the cold breeze hugged her.
she danced and twirled as she fills the air with her laughter.

She felt comfort inside the rains embrace.
She loves the feeling of it trickling down her face.

The rain reminds her that heart is not the only thing that's shattering,
As she hears the rain hit the pavement, cling-clang, clattering.

She loves it as the rain pours down on her face along with her tears.
Washing away all her nightmares, all her fears.

As it rains, her eyes are as bright as a sunny day.
For her, there's nothing like the comfort of a rainy day.

- F.T. 04/21/17

i turned the gear to the way i know the most
but you, in the passenger seat, reached for the gear
and turned it to the way
you want
me to go.

yet, i kept driving, stared ahead, went with it.
another intersection came in to view.
you asked me where
I want to go
i turned the gear with confidence

but you turned the gear to the way you want
me to go.

i kept my mouth shut, stared ahead, went with it, kept driving.

another intersection.
you stared at me as if asking
and with shaking hands, i turned the gear where
I need
to be.

but you shook your head and turned the gear to the way
you want
me to be.

i stared ahead, thinking
im the driver under the passenger's control.

another intersection.
i didn't need to look at you to know
i turned the gear to the way
you want
me to go.

as I turned to all your ways, i felt pure melancholy
this is not my road.
this is your way, not mine.

another intersection.
with a brave heart, I turned the gear to the way i want to go; to the way i need to be.

but
you fought for the gear,
and for the first time, i fought back
and eventually

we crashed.

and you blamed me,
looked at me with disappointed eyes.

and soon enough
i started to do the same
i blamed myself for
going for my dreams;
for making my own decisions.

-F.T. 03/04/17

i envy those whose eyes are set on one star;
that they know how to reach it no matter how far.
i envy how they know which rocket ship to take;
i envy how they know what decision to make
how they know which gear to manipulate.

i envy those who already know their fate.

while i, with confused eyes,
am still staring at the sea of lights.
still choosing, hoping, for the perfect glimmer;
perfect for me - a dreamer.
but it just seems like it's still lightyears away from me.

but i'll wait.

perhaps, i am not meant to stay on one star.

-F.T. 03/01/17

You don't always have to act tough,
You don't always have to look rough
You don't always have to keep in the tears
The dam might break after keeping all your tears for all those years.

Darling, scream out in pain
It'll help you keep you sane.
Darling, you're not immune to pain
You don't need to act like you are.

Even the dauntless cry.
The pain and the tears remind you you're alive.

- F.T. 01/18/17

When you wake up in the morning,
Feel the sun's kiss as if it will be the last time you'll ever feel it.
Let the wind carress your face,
Let it ruffle your hair.

Listen to the chirping birds as they mesmerize you with their beautiful harmony.

Go for a run, run as if it is the last time you'll feel your legs;
As if it's the last time you'll feel the bumps on the pavement.

Breathe as if every breath is the last.
Look at the sun as if it's the last time you'll see its wonderful glow.
Look up at the sky as if it is the last time you'll see its pink and blue.

Don't be afraid to say "I love you" to the ones you love.
You'll never know when they need it the most.
Mean it with all your heart.

Say and do everything as if it is your last chance to do it.

These things are blessings given to us every single day, we just fail to see them.
Don't take these things for granted.
Treat everyday as if it is your last, cause you'll never know when it will be.

- F.T. 01/16/17

"I've been trying to find the courage to talk to you.

But what does a clumsy little candle say to the staggering sun?

I melt as you approach."

-ctto

We hugged
And I felt
pain
In my
Back
She stabbed
My heart
From
Behind.

- F.T. 01/15/17

I've been so scared
of being happy,

I've mistook firework sounds
For gun shots.

- F.T. 12/29/16

My dad once told me that our hearts are like machines.

He told me that the way to slow our heart rate down is to do it slowly,
That we had to do it in levels,
Push the buttons one at a time.
To pull the levers slowly,
For it to function properly again.
For it to work normally.

With those information in mind, I thought it worked with feelings, too.
That in order to stop myself from liking you, I have to do it slowly.
Baby steps.

So I tried to find reasons,
reasons that I could use to stop my feelings for you.
So I stared at you.
I stared to try and find your every flaw.

I studied your every move,
and tried to find something I don't like about them.
But as I continued to stare at you,
I didn't even realize that I was starting to learn you,
To read you like a book.
I found myself wanting to read every page.
I wanted to know more about you.

I found every move that I don't like,
I found all your flaws.
But, I also found myself loving every single one of them.
You became my favorite book.

I pushed every button in my heart to stop it from going haywire when in your presence.
I pulled every lever slowly to make my heart beat normally again.

But nothing worked.
My heart still beats a hundred and twenty four miles at the mere sight of you.

My feelings never faded.
I even began to like you more.
I thought that pushing the buttons and pulling the levers and would make my heart beat normal again.
But it didn't.

Turns out humans are far from machines.

-F.T. 12/22/16

Remember when you were two?
You were so cute, in the world you had no clue.
Even with two missing teeth missing infront, your smile never faltered.
Every problem in the world around you, it never mattered.

Remember when you were three?
You had your hair in pigtails, you never wanted your hair to be set free.
You always danced like crazy,
You always smiled and looked as cute as a daisy.

Remember when you were six?
You were in first grade then.
You were the youngest every student had as a friend.
Your smile made them want to befriend you.
Because, little one, your smile is genuine and true.

Remember when you were seven?
You then realize that it always rained on you birthday.
But your heart never felt even the slightest of dismay.
Your smile, never gone.
Your smile, brighter than the sun.

Remember when you were twelve?
You started to feel the weight on your shoulder.
You felt as if you were getting smashed by a boulder.
Your smile fell.
And your soul did as well.

And it's my fault. I killed you.
I'm sorry, but I did what I had to do.

I murdered you.
I stabbed you with words and looks of anger.

I had to. I had to get rid of you.
I had to get rid of the smiles that were so true.
I had to get rid of your laughs, and positivity.
I had to do it, I had to face reality.

Dear young me,
Sorry.
I will forever be guilty,
For destroying someone with such beauty. For murdering a smile that's so lovely.