me
a girl who's awkward
but doesn't care
a girl who speaks her mind
but cautiously
a person
not just a girl
but a person
someone who cares a lot about others
mostly others
almost never myself
i can always find whats wrong with myself
and i can always find whats wrong with you
i won't always tell you what my problems are
and mostly you won't listen
but you'll always tell me yours
and i'll listen
always
and i'll always tell you when you're wrong
and you'll always forgive me
because you needed it
and you wanted to be told
but no one else would tell you
but i always will
and i'll always be there
even if you hate me
and still don't listen to my problems
even if i disappear because no one cares
even you.

we live in a country
where we are judged for the kindness we share with others
we are scorned for what little money we make
and hated for the people we love.
we live in a country
where our success is measured by
the amount of zeros in our bank accounts
rather than
the differences we make in our society.
we live in a country
where a parent is afraid,
afraid to let their child learn
because our schools have become battle fields.
and we live in a country
where people are too busy
being busy bodies
in other peoples lives
rather than worrying about what is happening
right before our very eyes.
our country.
is being torn apart.
because we are afraid of change.
afraid of letting a stranger see our heart.
seek not the problem that doesn't affect you directly.
but seek out the problem that we ALL will face, once our neighbors become our enemies.

i like girls
and boys
and cats
and dogs
and fruits
and vegetables
and light
and dark
and black
and white
and wine
and water
but i'm different
because i like both sexes
because i don't care whether you have
***** or a *******
because i can't tell anyone that i want to try having a girlfriend
because then i won't have friends
and i won't be able to live with my roommate anymore
and my family won't love me anymore
i'm not ashamed
but i'm ashamed because you'll be ashamed
but i can't say for sure
you're ashamed aren't you??

truth can come in many forms
it's been said that everyone has their own forms
for me
truth comes through my poetry
if you're looking for "believable"
that's not something i can give you
belief comes from yourself.
could it come from fancy words
and flow of the prose??
cause i could sling some vernacular
that could positively represent my
acuity of the english language,
but i'm afraid your ineptitude would be
too staggering for you to hilt.
i don't need big words,
or ornamental text.
you need an open mind,
because my truth is for me.

your sister is doing alright
oh, and so is your other sister.
and your other sister is well off.
you are the only one that we are worried about.
you are the only one that can't afford this
you are the only one that doesn't have a good job
and doesn't have a lot of money
useless schooling
and is living paycheck to paycheck
you're the only one that can't make it
you're the only one that isn't going anywhere
you can't do anything right..
can you??

i am brain dead
i can't think straight
there's nothing in my head
to make my body operate
i wish that i was numb
that i didn't have to feel
i wish i didn't have to rely on someone
to tell me that something is real
all of those smiles
all of that ******* confidence
trying to catch your eye
and get you to notice my influence
over other guys
as if it were some sort of accomplishment
i'm just afraid to let you in
passed what's in between my legs
to what lies in my ribs
but if you won't stay i won't beg

could you be anymore
thoughtless
truthless
careless??
i can't breathe around you
because you're waiting for a pin drop
the wrong way
turning it into the wrong way
can't there be a way
away
go away
far away
there's nothing left here
except looking over my shoulder
watching and waiting for it to be over
i can hear you panting for me to
slip up
mess up
miss you..

in life
we meet many
we experience much
sometimes it takes too much
and leaves so little
often we stumble upon others in our path
whether they are ready
whether you are ready
and then they leave
or you do
whether you are ready to let them go
or whether they are ready to leave
or not
i have been cursed
with always meeting at that cross road
of "i am just trying to find myself"s
and "if something develops then that is fine with me"s
and i'm just ready to find someone that is ready
for me.

is it dark in here?
couldn't tell with my eyes closed.
as if being awake was an option.
no one would know
no one would care
of course i'd have to have the courage
to make that huge decision..
being completely numb is better
really it's a great escape
each time i inhale its like i'm drowning
anything to keep me above water
that was the plan
how's that plan working??
e**ventually it won't.

you are blinded
you think everything is one sided
and you're a ******* mess
a joke to me!!
you think I care.. even a little about you??
about your petty nonsense??
about your ridiculous, fecicious, manipulative creations in your mind??
your so called knowledge of me
couldn't be more false
*****, horrible, evil..
I've been called worse..
you think you could change me
make me hate me more than i already do??
my hatred began long ago
before you ever showed up promising
wanting, taking, complaining.
i have no problems pretending you don't exist.

i love it
crave it
no need for it
get me away from reality
i'm so dizzy
and i'm giggling
you put butterflies in my stomach
inhaling light
and exhaling sweet wisps
swirling and swaying
fading into night
faded
elated
forgetting my worries for now..

i miss you
all day everyday
i'm wasting away
a piece of my heart
melts
drifts
disappears
my chest aches
a cavity
a hole
a gaping hole!
i can feel it..
it feels so hollow
and scary
so much wasted time.
i can't get it back
i need more
i'm chasing more
why can't i have more?!
Forever
Always
Memories
Irreplaceable
Love
Years wasted..

i feel terrible..
not just bad..
but terrible
has anyone ever told you
"i'm going to **** myself.. because of you"
everyone tells you..
"don't feel badly.. he's trying to scare you..
trying to get to you"
how does that not get to you?
how can you bring yourself not to believe it..?
not to tear yourself down?
this is a life.
this is someone you loved
this was someone who just a few months ago
you couldn't live without..
but then showed their true colors
and you left..
can you really leave?
are you ever really gone?

stuck in the past
but the past doesn't want me
thinking of you
its no surprise that i'm lonely
i need to find a way out
but i can't breathe
and i keep stumbling back
on our memories
you've moved on long ago
and i rolled on too
seems now that he is gone
my mind wanders to you
but its been 5 years
and i haven't heard from you
its pathetic
that your face keeps coming into view
i need to run
and seek the future round the corner
cause thinking bout the past
is my old self, its the former
and its only cause i'm alone
yes, i'm a loner
that you drift here
you should stay a goner.

its so much easier to say
goodbye
when you aren't here..

the way the light brushes the white of a wall
at mid day when the sun is highest
and the smell of your home most familiar
the way he accepts my palm unyielding
stiff backed, and expectant
not wavering or wincing backward
soft furr tousled, and shiny grey in the
fingers of light through the window
the way your pillows feel in the morning
arms escapsule the cushiony fluff
and the scent of last nights smiles
the silence of your own space
serenity in the quiet against the warmth of your own skin
reminiscing along with swirling cloud like
memories while you watch your cat snooze
serenly on a windowsill..

couldn't stand the phrase
"i love you to the moon and back"
but couldn't wait for the day
when someone looked,
and then said it.

i'm lying in my bed here
drunk
trying to find a reason to stay awake
wishing i had someone to share these covers with
i'm lying in my bed here drunk
lonely
sifting through my thoughts
and trying to land on a happy one
one that will take me from
lying in my bed here drunk, lonely, and way too
self aware
someone please help me fly
away from here
far, far away from my drunk, lonely soul
somewhere i can be happy always
and forever
and never lost.

depression is my monster.
anxiety is my mother,
that tells me that monsters aren't real
but to always check under the bed just in case.

lying here
the sound of silence
stillness, quiet
the tenor note of breath is my own..
and i'm alone
all alone
and i've never not been alone
i've never not been without
i've never not been doubting
me, myself, and
i'm not myself
my self has got up and left
a me shaped hole in my chest
and i'm not the same
can i not be more clear??
could every one not disappear on me..
i'm sorry i'm not the me i used to be
please.. you do not know..

i'd like to think you understood where i'm coming from
or that you'd like to follow me where i'm going
but it's like you drew a circle around where we started from
and there's no going past that line
even though our toes are brushing closer
and each time you drag me back
a shred of me falls outside the line and i grow smaller and smaller
but that part of me on the other side
it's growing..
and i won't be here much longer
i am waiting for me.

someone
please
help
me

and in the stillness of the night
there comes a bumping
churning
almost pounding
knock, knock, knocking
against my skull
afloat in this mystery of matter
time, space
miles, and light years
existing for stardust
happiness eternal
our questions unanswered
and what if there was no point
what if we were just made as fodder
trees
flower food
but we can't believe that
because then there would be no reason
would there??

i'd always say
"i wouldn't say that unless i meant it"

but we all say things we don't mean.

i have depression
and i don't want to be that person
that is disappointed at the end of their life
because half the time they didn't get out of bed
or sat in the shower for 2 hours
because it felt good to feel warmth for once
but its been running my life for so long
and i have been letting it win
letting it surround me
and its so hard to take back control
when i have to walk 1,000 miles
to get a shred of that control back

so, you're back..
again..
seeping into corners..
like a venom casting ghostly shadows onto the nape of my neck..
i never see you coming
criss crossing on a serpentine platform
of "i miss you's" and
" i didn't mean to hurt you's"
child like memories
drawn in crayons of the deepest,
bloodiest reds..
i don't remember myself there..
that's an existence i'm done sharing..

it feels like popcorn is popping in my guts
like my entire emotional state lies in my stomach
i'm surrounded by people
literally surrounded
all the time..
but i always feel alone
left out of the loop
misunderstood
on my own wavelength entirely
as if some sort of wall is in the way
keeping me from moving forward
equivalent to riding a never ending escalator
upward. upward.
but nothing changes.
stagnant scenery
unfocused energy
people run passed me up the left side
and i'm planted on the right side
the slow lane
but moving quickly to nothing
like always

no one really gets it..
can you really expect it??
there's no real way,
you can always have your way.
and yet we always try
pursuit of perfection til we die
not a smudge nor misplaced hair
no of course, cause somebody will see it there.
could you put down your shroud
and let someone see that you are proud
of who you are, no matter stain nor scar
cause living life on par is what most people are
or are just trying to accomplish
and some people wish
they could have your face
and are ****** with disgrace
because they can't get their blush exact
or keep their tan intact
please tell me this isn't fact
and i will prove you wrong each time
i'm done with feeling undermined
each time i go out
without make up on
because i want to feel beautiful, myself..
in my skin without your help.

i've just been sifting through all our
"memories"
and i put that word in quotes because what it
means to me
is happiness and things worth remembering..
these "memories"
between you and me
aren't filled with such things..
for you maybe
but i'm stuck behind a glass screen watching 2 years later what happened.
feeling nothing but isolation and jealousy
callousness and darkness in my very bones
it's my nature to be depressed
and feel alone
and as soon as the tables turned
and i stopped caring
you'd change direction
and need me and crave me
but i had already changed course
stopped paying attention to what you'd do behind my back
discontinued my subscription on lies
scratched out all my faces in the pictures you had in your mind
because i was never really there
and if i were it was a shadow
i played the tree in the background
because i couldn't get a part on the main stage
so thank you
for leaving me behind
so that i could try and discover a new track
something called happiness within oneself
it's a book i've been looking over for years
but too afraid to look beyond the preface
thank you for noticing that i wasn't going to be there forever
and thank you for noticing too late

if it was easier to let go
everyone would be dead.

i know you never loved me
because when i had a problem
instead of helping me
you would shun me
as if your friends would find out
and judge you for dating me
or because you thought i was crazy
and maybe i was
but you were crazy too!!
we dealt with the same things
and i understood,
and all i wanted was for you
to acknowledge our imperfections
and help me make them better
not cast me aside..
i just wanted your help..
why does this still bother me??

i wish
that someone
would speak of me
with a softness to their voice
that only comes with my name.
a breath, a whisper,
makes my name magnificent.
that i might gaze into someone's eyes
and see my reflection sparkling  back
so brightly i can feel it tightening my chest
that i might ***** my heart right out.

i wish i had someone
to cradle my head
and whisper in my ear
that life isn't as bad as it appears.
i wish had i someone
that would come over
in the middle of the night
to let me cry until its alright.
i wish i had someone
that i could speak to
about anything and everything
and i would listen to their everything.
i wish there was someone
out there waiting
for me
like i wait for them.

i wish she knew
how much i need her
to see me,
and let me in.
i wish i could show her
how much good
us being together would be
but she refuses to listen
i wish she understood
i don't want to be mean,
or seem needy, i'm not..
she made me
i wish i didn't have to
but i'll keep waiting for her
until she gives up
and let's me win.

see to me
god doesn't make any sense
why would someone anyone
higher being..
put us here to live a happy life..
or a bad one
or a sad one
or a psychotic, messed up one..
to just have us die..
like literally have no meaning on earth
to have eternal happiness in some other dimensional plane..
why, would he forgive ALL sins..
how do you forgive someone for killing a child
how do you forgive someone for molesting their own children
how do you forgive someone for going against your teachings
and throwing away everything you've strived to make people not do
just to forgive them when the say
"please god forgive me"
how does a god let small children suffer cancer and sickness for no reason?
how does god take the lives of the innocent with car crashes and drug abuse?
free will?
because he "needed" them where ever the **** "he" is??
maybe if he does exist i'll be smited for thinking this..
i'll be banned to the all eternal fire pit that is hell..
but how can he think that someone like me wouldn't think like this??
there is after all no proof of his existence..
the only proof i have that I exist is that i can see myself..
that's it..
i can't see him..
i can't feel him..
i don't know him..
prove me wrong..

because baby you're a landslide
because darling you're a forest fire
because you're posion my dear
after all you've done damage i hear..

because starlet you don't shine
because beau you aren't mine
because honey you aren't for me
after all you aren't my cup of tea..

because sweetie i don't need you
because hon you don't complete me
because i don't believe you baby
after all you've lied compeltely..

there is black in her veins
pouring through the tips of her fingers
on to fine white sheets
line after line it seeps
forming beautifully shaped vessels
that carry her feelings
the pain begins only to be left upon the
flatness which is her medium
it comes again
more quickly now
but the black cannot come fast enough
for her emotions break through as though water passed a dam
the pages become splotched, and soiled
and toiling through her tears she cannot suppress her cries
left in a pool of memories
she falls back into her despair
as though she might try again.

i am so close to hitting rock bottom i can feel pebbles brushing my toes.. i'm trying my damndest to swim up, before anyone knows.. and yet its easier to stay, and easier to drown.. its harder to paddle your way to the surface when you're the the one dragging yourself down.