Only 5 days
of closeness
Thinking it was gonna last forever
We cannot stay long
Is it mine or your fault?
It's better this way

I have to tell myself you're not here
So close to you I feel
Something's broken, off
But
we rode on clouds of schizotypy
we put name to our demons
we did white magic at night
all by wire...
But you were by my side
not ever being alone
oh dear you warmed my heart
Like a squish! I don't know what this is
An ephemeral romance of the mind
A bound sensation to be found
Eternal...
We laughed, we lived, we cried.
Just 5 days in our lives.
Thanks.

Bored - of all this ****
Please God free me
Give me what I need
I'm on my toes, you see?

I am tired of waiting
Of nervously pacing
around the house
around my head
I have marks in my wrists
still I break the chains

I am bored
I am ready to burn
in a free release
form
Let me break
Let me become

I am bored
but not ready
to give up

Maybe it's a turning point on this road
A calling I'm not listening to
But the calling's got your name
all over it, all over everything

This fire that got ignited
will go off without your care
And I will look at other men
but I need you to be there...

It's a tensiOn I can't reconcile
I fear the shutdown
Drowning again the way I did
I'm trapped in between!

I need your Kiss real bad
I feel the calling in the train
It's a faceless impulse...

Maybe I'm not listening
but your song fills the air I'm breathing

This beast inside - hungry for fame!
(hungry for something that won't fill her chest
because she's empty and
she only wants to get ahead)
won't get her way - I am not allowing her

in my creation, she's the shade
she ***** the blood out of everyone -
but mostly herself
she's drained, she craves

this beast inside - **** her with kindness
she's only just there - accept her today
she aches, too

I told myself to chase poetry - my life's purpose
But something is dragging me - making me low
Handicaps and tests all along the road
things just froze

I am confused, utterly disturbed
The meaning of the lights and the signs
no longer I can describe

Only when I'm immerse in the pain
I can see where I must stray
only when I'm head deep in ****
I can speak, but I'm bound
It's painful to be caught
in this aphasia of thought
of the heart

This is life through a window pain
this is make believe living for amputated girls
never never succumb to its spell
you've already had this - you were living dead
remember those days?
So many words to say, which will indeed find their way
but maybe not today.

Can I run away from the ruin of us!
No, I cannot. I am hurt like a hunt deer
and we are dead so I live through this
I breathe through this. But I do not live.
But you haven't broken me - it was me

So here I am, an aphasic driver
trying to get to my destination
trying to understand
trying to roam again
so ******* misled
right is wrong and right is left
trying to steer the wheel
like I always did

And you are back, so am I.
We always meet, every day, every night.
You creep into my dreams to boycott them,
while in the day you keep me alive.
I love you. That's why I behave like I lost my head.
I hate you. It's not true, you make me insane.

You are not guilty at all
your only sin is being alive
making paradise
out of this intrincate hell

Here I am - completely disgregated
Never breaking down was so pretty
Stitch me, sew me back again
Stop thinking - start living
but ah, my leg is stuck in the machinery

My days were fun at first
But now you are a drying kind of thirst
"You're beautiful"
I live to raise your altar in my mind
I live to live under the boot of your smile
But all I get is this - not much and not all
I live for this dead thing that will surely harm some
You're starting to wane, so I fight fight fight back
Because I love you so so so much

Oh you boy
I am your stalker and it's fun
but you must know how crazy I am
But only sometimes...

Been thinking about it all
what does it mean and how it fits
in my map
maybe too much

I am like a matrioshka
a box
you gotta reach my core
I gotta do it too

Sometimes ***** others rotten away
With no kind of sense
(That's my aim!)
Because in the end it all fits

Why do I give myself away
to no one in the end? Dying so unaware
Lose my golden thread
that leads me to such a good place?

I think I liked him, like I could like anyone else!
And in the everyday charm, I fell for
And I lose my vital spark, for living life
what a paradox! what a strife!
I slipped once, not twice

So unsure! I drive to my destination
So lost, I find my direction
Why do I cling to men, instead of clinging
to myself
so I can really then turn to them

where is the lever I pulled wrong
where are my notes, where is the antidote?
No time for panicking anymore -

The wounds and the disease didn't leave
It will chase me till I face the demon clear
Maybe all I need is time - to heal
Maybe there is something wrong I need to steer
The answer won't be spoken or said, but found
Where am I now?

He's been an enjoyer
I've been in my cocoon
While he drank, ******, had a good time
I was discovering the beauty of tears,
the meaning, the pain, the logos of it

Now he takes my hand
leads me to his world
And I drag him to my pit
So he can stare at it
Have a glimpse...

Now I taste the vines
Now I see the world
"I brought you my bullets,
you brought me your love"

Now we exchange everything
I'm his secret garden and nothing else I wish

Now the artistically broken girl
meets the charming, calm man
Now the shadow meets the Sun

Now he shows me the light
Now he shows me I've been blind
too much time
were I?

A year since I first tasted life
No more filters or ghost kissers for me
A year since my body and soul were set on fire
In a long weekend's puddle, it came
It's my secret birthday
of love and pain
It all began with my glitter slippers in my feet
I walk the path of spring...
and its sunshowers
its storms
its weather...crazy

Thomas, go **** your self.
But you were the first.
I cannot forget.
Unworthy beginning.
A year since.

It wasn't you, at all
who saved me
but myself
and the air
the people around
the strangers I know
the adventures you'd never approve of

No it wasn't you
who saved me
who spread my wings and made me fly
You have been the aid by my side
An average feeling, neither good nor bad
And I thank you for your goodness
But you've weighed me down
My wounds have not been
dramatically altered by you...

I value your love
But it is not enough...

Because I am a boat
Sailing away
We cannot stay

They say I can't be a feminist and **** ****
They say my fantasies are capital sin
They censor my speech
They also like to say I'm quite meek
But too wild when I finally chill

They say I can't date a man older than me
They say this girl - who does she think she is?
They say I can't be on pills and against my chains
They say I can't bite the hand that feeds
And they just don't understand me
They say so much about me! I can feel it over my head
But I learnt to do something instead

So much hate and misunderstanding I get
But I use it to dye my hair
And prance like a peacock around
Showing my weird pretty feathers

**** it!
I know all your ****
It just won't soak up on me

It all boils down to this.
My metal legs could squeak.
I tell you my secret, so you know.
I don't know if you can take it.
You are no me (we already have enough
with an amoeba here)
But you like me,
strangely...

We might try, we might try, we might try,
but I might get undressed and you might get scared.
Or simply repelled...

Your thought i keep in my mind
Like something to be taken care of, my love
Is this love? What is it?

You became something to be taken care of
I am afraid of living without you
Wait! Not that, just…the dislocated beat in my heart because of you

You became an obsession.
Not a passion, not anymore
You became something odd, to my mind (like everything else)
I convinced myself well that you are my life.
But hark, you are!

You are alive and that is weird to me
Am I holding the unavoidable back? Am I?

Poems reflect and créate
their own states of mind
be aware what it is you write
it might change your life

We come and we go so different a place
But we encountered once at the maze
And here we remain
A dead echo of what we once were
A little sketch of our lives for the people to stare

Our lives come together - like rivers to the ocean
but they flow in different motions
Are we the ocean anymore? I don't think so
but in a way, we are the one
we are bound in time
(You saw me breaking in parts
You saw me falling to the floor
and never mumbled a word)

We grew not apart;
there was no anger or pain in our steps
we grew not apart!; we grew up
I moved towards health from the womb of doom
Like little flowers opening its fiery jaws to the world
A world that won't eat us anymore
(although it tries REALLY hard)
Now we've got different addresses
the mail just won't arrive
the mail is not ours
exes and lovers hoard our lives
including mine!

But the arrows point to our hearts
I am not the girl I was
Lost and confused and so sure of nothing at all
A girl wandering, her mind as well as the world
Finding herself in madness
Never back on the road! Not your road
I'm here waiting for my shiny new gun
In my shiny new boots, I repaired before
I am a woman in the run
I am a woman from now on
I am a woman since his arms
We are women, and men
We walked a lot
since then

(It's something hard to touch with your hands
when you act like you had an eye on your back)
but nevertheless there
It lies in the blue of my hair
and the things I did
The way I flow, the way I move, the way I be
The way they talk, the way they think
How I carved my path in life
how they carve theirs in turn
Where do I belong
I have a slight idea now

Kisses that sting
Go deeper than the skin

I wanted to leave you
But there's a catch
You've done this more than once
You used your army of love
You've stung me more than once
With kisses and water for my thirst
All the kisses that sting...

All the kisses that men use
To get things from you
And they leave their mark
Not only in your neck but on the heart
Get an instant reaction
Calm down your insatisfaction
Feeding on starvation
Feeding on you...

Those kisses hold me hostage
They take me to heaven and further
They turn me on
and I'm a fiery stove
A wave rolling at an ocean deep,
breaking in the shore

Are you a stinger
Are you a bee in love?
I must break from your honey kiss
So I can be free without

So I ran away
I heard the sky crack wide open
It was way too much
I needed to leave, for a while from
Not you or me or us
but the monster I had created

An Angela Hayes steps on the scene.
She’s ugly and she’s beginning to rot.
She’s pretty and her bones are broken.
She’s a shadow of herself.
She’s drowning yet she’s beautiful.

It was dark, dark inside.
Dark, dark outside.
I got a punch from heaven, who knows
Got sent to hell, instead.

And I couldn’t handle it anymore
All the lies fell in front of my eyes.
All my paranoia, all the crazy schemes of my mind,
finally seemed to make sense.

It didn’t but at the time I had to explode or else I’d have died and lost touch from me ever.

There is a slant of dark
leaking, dripping to my heart
There is an obscure chest pressing feeling
I can't seem to kick off

My fear is harboured inside
My slant of dark never leaves
It can be distracted but never flees
I have to think carefully about this

Why the slant of dark is pressuring me?
Taking away my glee
I have reasons to laugh, to breathe
But the slant of dark curbs my bliss

I feel like I have fell too deep
for you
I feel helpless
because I can't stop

The slant of dark drowns me in night
Makes me cry, feel unloved, feel bad
What is the secret to handle
the slant of dark
is it warning me? is it ******* me up?
is it wisdom? is it dumb words from mom?

This is a maze full of mirrors
where you walk and you are not aware where
this is a multilayered question
too, too many questions
This is a game of sensations
This is a perpetual, enticing confusión
This is a strange feeling, wondering about my spirits
and my mental sanity
This is a puzzle to solve
This has a solution
that I still don't know
time will show

This has me day and night, on and on
I stop, but when it comes

Way too Deep to even put it
so Deep it becomes tangled
too profound, abyssal ground
the land of those roaming around
happily
but sometimes, like now,
OH, the dark!
the dark gets my mind
the light doesn't smile too much
and sends distorted perceptions down my spine

What is real? What is fake?
Too much at stake

You are back
with a bag full of promises and things
My heart crunched
and i said, "nothing's wrong with this"
Reconcile shock, love, and bad memories
Reconcile who I was with who I be
But, oh you...

The spiral of life
I see in front of my eyes
Coming back and never ever going back
How to tell you where I was?
How to tell you about the black
dark
night
that covers and heals the soul
How to tell about blinding lies

That the danger of my past
might be knocking my door more than once
How to seal that door

It didn't work out well
Don't torture yourself, girl
you say

Those kisses that had nothing inside
we were trying hard to be what we were not
those nights that attempted to be beautiful
at the park
your car redeemed us from that fall
but it didn't take long till reality spoke

that separation - all the things I could not tell you
all the poems you did not feel,
your gentleman words hide emptiness sheer
all the things I couldn't understand
that hopelessness I felt
everynight we met
You were also trying
I was trying to forget

So I'm forgiven, and I'm forgotten
and that's the best thing that could have happened

You said can't take it no more
I bled a stream of painful love
Who's gonna save me from?

Only Matti and Klem there
To sing to my pain
Lull it to hibernate
(I am breaking free,
but it hurts, you see)

Imagination going wild
so sweetly, so casually
When they grab each other on stage
this girl boils and forgets

Getting deep into hell
You pushed me to the pit
burning there because I sin
You left me here
Why did you do that to me?
Only Klem and Matti understand
appease the gush of blood

Only Klem and Matti
to spice up the scene
of my broken days
they did leave at last
but I will always remember
what they did for me:
entertain me and anesthetize me
so I could undergo this hit
Eyes fully open, but it doesn't ache
Hands on deck, but enjoying the place

I can spot the points where I fell
It's all a bunch of nerves
and arousal and unrequited love

It's all about getting used to ****
Demisexuality? I kiss way too easily
The old pathway reigns supreme
it always wins! If you allow it
I am gnawing on hard bones
I am getting attached to the hard drugs
that I never planned to get caught on
yeah, that's it: I'm ******* caught.
Erasing myself quickly - but no more
It's like getting used to a same song
(Obstacle 1 by Interpol played now)
and ignoring the myriad offered by the world

In your absence - I am something and nothing
In your presence - a electricity current
A drug shot to the vein, that makes me forget
about safety and health, and I beam
but I know it's not correct, in fact,
it's a mistake
because you and I will drown
in a well of pain

London opened my eyes
was it me? was it my friends?
River Thames
I knew you'd clean my brain

find comfort in a lover's hand
find comfort in an unshakeable ground
it's easy when you just walk around
making your way as you go yet
sure of what you want

Let me rest
in our bubble
and allow no trouble

A bubble is lifting
me and you
above
their stress and their rage
now, we don't really care
the bubble - we are safe

The bubble might be weird
like you and me
but it's home, you see
it's all I really need

The bubble bursts
so the question is
did I cut my nails before?
I hear voices howl yet
a bubble is something to fight for

Our bubble is not made of soap
thin, making your eyes red
it is magic-enhanced glass
it breaks not at none of my blows
thickened with loving use,
like kintsugi cups

can I go to the bubble with you again?
can I never leave the place?

You haven't heard my cries for help
I felt the worst way - so you were in my list of names
I wasn't alone, but you weren't there
Again, again, you do this to me again
What's your game?

I told you my biggest hopes and fears
and you ran away, ignored me.
You cannot stand - my non-virginity
You cannot stand - I'm not yours, dear
I am not your *****. Maybe he's right about this.
Maybe I loved you, maybe you never did.
But I've got remembrances of you
too deep, too sweet

And when you come, I'll say hello
No matter how many times you missed - the drum
Again, again, again.
It doesn't surprise me at all.
You are Humbert. Or Quilty, who knows. Am I Dolly though?

My fear, my fear
like a broken link

Read my body wide open like a book
Read everything I've been through
The body speaks volumes
Like it we or not
Because...was I tainted from the start?
Did I divert myself in some point of the path?
Here I am
thinking too much
Maybe I should go back
to where everything came from

Maybe I should go back
To nine years old
libido still unpoisoned so
still not cracking
still pure
and ***** like love

13 years old
Shaking on a bed under the promise of love
Shaking on my fears, but still alive
and even too heavy with life
The wounds open, scars wide
It frees energy and pain

Then got lost
in me
Got foreign to me
Now I'm back
whatever it is
But there's a memorial sleep
in my limbs

Feeling like the ugliest thing
The most broken one
All I am comes undone
I woke up fearful, but happy because of you
Of all the love I receive
And never expected to
My brain repeats sentences
Neuroticism lies ahead
My fear reduces me
to nothing

Kiss me baby
Nurse me in you

The poison saves
if you know how to handle it

Do you remember
being 14
utterly lost
but found somehow

That headache
That heartache, too
(how to draw the line in them two?)
Getting turned on to anything
A politically incorrect *** machine.
Hugh Laurie - he swims in your thoughts
All the girls, anything goes
Gerard Way, Paul Dano, your cousin's husband
Come on! I wanna give you my love...
I don't care - girl or ****

Oscillating wildly
between life and death
That's where it lies
You end up on sertraline
But you can't take me from me

Do you remember
the twisted ways
of those days
I feed on them, no matter how long ago
Disentangling this - my job

There is a shadow in the heart
Guitars in my ears
Plastic and somewhat real
The beauty of my moor, again here

I see the beauty, but am I made for this kind of beauty?
Am I a part of this world?
Something feels on and off
I saw things clear for the first time
Leyre, take your time, don't hurry up
I saw myself trying to be something else
than a back to black, hiding in my warm cocoon
"I don't want to be a living dead anymore"
But am I made to be something they are not?

I've been running away from years
or was I simply doing my thing?

And I saw it clear
but the shadows in my heart
won't let me see it clear enough
No more lies, take it slow from now on

I am a newbie to the world
trying out options
that I never thought
so this fear it's natural

Where is my mind?

Sixteen again, in a way
No cuts in the outside, but I fear
the spell of these days
over me

Wrong man
he ***** with my head
The spineless girl, she laughs at my face
I don't wanna get drunk in pain
this way

He makes my crazy wheels run free
What do you know, wrong man, of the long path of pain I treaded? Of all the things I have defeated?
Of how it all spins the way it has to spin -
how pain is at the core of everything

Wrong man:
he's made of iron and Steel
he's proud he cannot feel
he's rotten but he cannot see
Blindness is his way to live

Hear him and his speech
of bile and hate towards everything!
No disabilities, no caring for others for him
Things gotta be the way they gotta be
******* if you cannot fit

The spineless girl - she's tricky to me
who she is really? I confided in her so many times but oh!
Wrong man comes and switches her around
she says yes to anything, she switches dramatically

Wrong man and the spineless girl, the couple everyone wants to be
A dream for those who cannot see

Wrong man says I should thank him
that he pays for me!
Wrong man is so sick
to the bones of him

Wrong man, wrong man
is there any chance for you to change?
to become human, be granted a heart of flesh
you did once, but did you do with all you are?
It's true: keep paying and I'll keep struggling
Alone, without you
as I have mostly been

I am thankful to life
but you showed how you are inside
I won't ever forget this, probably

We are back
but there's something off...
You are shutting my mouth with love
I am cutting my limbs with devotion

He said, "what I feel for you is real"
(The resolution knocking on the door...
My future in a fight, playing chase with me)
and it sent shivers to me
happy to talk to him
He said, so many things
He pulled me forth as he always did
I was happy to have him, but my limbs...
Ah! My heart!
Now I'm trapped in between
myself and him
myself and him
really?

Unfaithfulness fills the place
Terrible sweet sin of the human race
The wilderness can't be tamed
Is this why, oh unfaithfulness?
Unfaithfulness - from her you can't run away
Sometimes you're broken,
sometimes you break

It hurts sure it does
But how to run away from shimmering love when it
haphazardly
comes?
How to escape the terrible facts of life
A lesson hard learnt, trapped in a fire!
Unfaithfulness - are you that something?
That will save us by and from drowning
I really hate you, but I need you now
My fears, my desires - you knot them in one

So much because of your ******* sake!
We can't be soldiers to love's name
Polyamorous couples, cuckold ****
Locked up marriages, the following divorce
In betweenness, passage zones
where the devil kisses God

Mikael and Erika
Older men and their young chicas.
Those golden agonic threads that fate knits.
Further than human rules and needs to commit.

Hearts broken, like promises not entirely fake
and not entirely true do
Better not to play the game anymore
But you'll bite the bait, you'll fall
How to avoid love? ****** it and it will grow...
how to avoid
the construct of pain built around the greatest thing we know?
Tear down the wedding bouquets!
Trade 'em for a bed, stained by *** and sweat
Tear down THE PAIN! Tear down all the accesory leading to death!
Let me drown, in the naked essence.

I know he cheats - I cheat on him
because our wounds are deeper and so are our needs
I burn fairy tales,
become a tearful tough *****.
Hard as steel, just getting on with this.
I am no kid. This is the gruesome, ****** price we pay to be here,
people with feelings, drives and ****.
We don't care, but we all ache!
Sometimes you're hitten, sometimes you hit.
Sometimes you die, sometimes you -slowly, unadvertedly-
stick the swords in.

And yet it is small, unimportant
like everything

When I was 13
scared of my body
scared of my brain
in a ******* whirlwind
that felt like frozen limbs
I kept asking my mother
every day
"do you love me?
would you do it all the time?
what if, mom, would you still
love me the same? mom?"
and far-fetched scenarios
and a thirst that is never quenched
and a fear entrenched
my guts in a knot
ebbing and flowing
on a dance of uncertainty
never stopping the doubting

And now I land here
a place I never could have thought
You bring me here - but I also had a say on this
I don't need your mouth to say anything
You tell me all I need to know in a kiss

The world without I love yous
is my land of choice
I want to dismiss all the solid words
that led to my demise

Because this ride is wider than declamations
And late night confessions.
It's bigger and better than speaking,
circling around
about your obsessions
And it's not the answer
so it's not the question

"I love you" is OCD for the heart!
Constantly checking, never getting enough
getting huge and huger
stirring all that's bad
It loses meaning, and it's not fun
Burn your "lover's" anxieties, fill them with ever LOVE
with the watery flow of it all
(or that sight of the eternal...)
love does not doubt
love does not shake
love merely is
love is relaxed, slick
love is not really what you think!

I live in the world without I love yous
and funnily, I feel more love
than I ever did
Keep those days, those nights
where you are on fire!!

Number one is the oldest one
in my life
he brings tears to my eyes
joy to my heart
I let him go because of the pressure
in my guts

His *** makes me shake
like no one else's
but there was a catch
I could not take off my mind,
forget

Number two gives me sweet recovery love
but we cannot fill the hole
calls me pretty any time
and I smile back, I smile back
but it's not gonna happen
not ever again

Number three used me
like a kleenex
to dispose of me anytime he wanted
how naive am i
to think you can just netflix and chill
how immature of me

Number four is the last one
he loves me lots but I?
I am afraid of his reactions
because his love is so wide
He's infatuated with me
and I could feel his love over me once
But I think I ran too fast
Feelings you can't control

I am crippled with men lately
but this is life
with a gun in your hands
and a broken one between your legs

Mariana had everything a girl could wish for
Her parents approved it and she smiled
Her friends said for once it was right
Everything easy - the waters still
Everything in place, where it should be
Her lover kissed her everytime
but she can't put her soul when she does
2 meters tall and blue eyed
A breathing fantasy - but something's amiss
Mariana always felt this
Mariana had the perfect life
But she has the perfect twist

But Mariana has a yearning inside
A blaze devouring her guts
making her burn in desire
All of this is a lie
She's missing the fix from his brown eyes

Mariana had already done this before
But this time she feels so unwrong
Mariana has already broke up
with everything in the world
but this time she'll shoot for keeps
this time she doesn't get killed

Mariana said STOP
Suddenly, so abrupt
I want to get off this bus
Because she's got something best
This is not what I want
I am merely trying to get along
Mariana burnt the house down
in pure joy to exist

Everyone was so shocked
She saw the light
she had been trying to look the other way
but you can't run away
from the promises desire makes

And now Mariana is on the road
and she's home
her soul is free and some say she's gone
but she does not care
beauty hit her in the face
and that's something she can't refuse

There is a hole inside my heart
that is
missing between my legs
I will miss you everyday
the things that we shared
No more kisses, no more intimacy
but I might die if I go on, keep like this
All because of the hole in my heart
Everything I'll do, but taking that
My brain explodes, it is too much
I love you, I love you, but I'm a knot inside.

What it is I feel for you?
I'm not sure
It certainly it's not just friends
but neither means going to bed

I never thought leaving
would hurt this much
I thought I'd be free
But I'm not sure, habit pulls
And I have a habit of your lips

But I also have a habit of
night of tension
and distress
and lack of arousal
and fear of myself
And I have to end it
I saw it clear
Clearer without "us"

No more knots than the necessary ones
Now I'm back to black
But I will fight with teeth and nails
to not drown, not drown.
I saw it clear, and I can't back down.
But knowing my emotional reality
hurts the most...

Why it feels so good
to be away?
To live in a little island by the sun?
I need time off.

All I really know is
I run too much
Threw myself in the arms of life
She held me tight till I choked
That's what I looked for!
And I knew it before.

"We float"

Are you unworthy too
of tears
Do you make them pour
like he did

Not in the same way,
but still a lot of pain
I can see things happening.
I can do that drawing.

This **** got crafted a dark weekend
With stomach cramps and lots of sleeping
to hide from facts

You love me, you love me, you love me.
Or so you say. I have to believe you. No matter how hard is it. Is it?
Sometimes it's not me speaking
But the beast hidden in my chest
Looking around for you
to feed herself
satiate her never ending thirst
breeding more thirst
maybe breeding more pain

Every Saturday and holiday I spend here
seems to reanimate my fears
what are we, what are we?
Are we?

Would things be better
if it didn't exist
that it

Every Saturday makes me wonder
where is he
without me
echos of mom's voice resonate within
making me feel weak
is there a lack of commitment
he's sweet, sweet, quintessential delight for me
but he leaves me missing in the phone
feeling slightly like my heart broke
what is missing in our pic
what is wrong with us
is there anythin' I cannot see

I've been you!
So I know what you're up to

I see those scholars of the future
in my crazed up dream
they talk about you and me
all the things all the me I laid here

Try to analyze what I speak
Try to know what I never knew
try to know more than I do
making up stories about what I meant
but still you've never been me
and I have no time to think twice
My fails and my smiles are only mine

I've been you!
And I appreciate the effort -I do-
But wonder only once
if, before reading anything
you bled at all

Wait for me!
This fattened dream of desires and fears.
Wait for me to strike back
Wait for me to let my hair down
Go back to the town
with a shiny new gun
that I had all this long ago time
Wait for me to ring my bell like Anita did
it is ringing
can you feel its sting
ha! truth is it has just begun
I would run through you
if only I just could

Wait for me to be fixed
wait for me to fully get a piece
Wait for me to come back
Wait for me to fly, to reach my dreams
To reach the core of me
This fattened dream of hopes and pressure
Of hidden owners of the gates to the kingdom
Waters running free, but ***** sometimes
I cannot wash
my desire in them, refresh myself

Now stand open the doors
It's not a matter of body
it's my whole soul

Thomas, now I am closer to you.
Now that I am *** crazed
Now I had that taste
And yet
I know you are lost
because you missed the point
that shaking legs
is essentially love

It wasn't fair
stripping me bare
but you were just a shadow
a ghost that played
a stain
a ******* stain
in the canvas
of my days

Bite the hand as soon as you can!
Do not let anything hold you down
Bite the hand feeding you lies
the hand that caressed you when you were a child
but turned oppressive when you grew up
and you became conscious of what the world is like

Do not stay thankful, unable to open your eyes
Bite the hand and join me in the bad daughter band
Bite the hand and be not a respectful one
The heart speaks; it sees for miles
Bite the hand that feeds you psychic death
Be not sorry; we all thrive to be alive

Because dying your hair on Monday morning is good, but
we could have been friends but you didn't want to
Bite the hand, do not hurt sadistically with your sharp teeth
but run away, steadily and clear

Bunch of weirdos - that's what you are!
You click with me - must be that
Bunch of lights around my heart
Surviving life on Earth - side to side
Relaxing chocolate in winter
and with you the clouds
are still threatening but - your words
I can grasp
an answer in the blackness - I see peace

Bunch of chances that I came across
For fate, God's design or just my luck
Uniting souls, we don't need to ****
We are beyond and below those sacred sweet bonds
I show you my colors, and you show me yours.
Talking about our lives, we flow, we flow, we flow.
Around my core.
You all share a piece of who I am
Different words, different worlds?
You give coherence and form and stability and sweet camaraderie
to the real bunch of things here: ME!

Poetry is not life
Poetry is the suicidal plank
we hold on to
Poetry is life
how could it not be that?
Poetry is crippled ones
with metal legs dancing around
Poetry is the meaning
of our lives
Poetry is false, poetry is true
Poetry is death - poetry is life.

Go for them open ***** hole girls,
go for wild long nights of ***
For their throbbing fingers and love
once I gave to you

Go for all the Tinder girls that were before me
Go for fully blown life
Go for all the girls that can fulfill you
Girls not loving psychotically as I do
Girls whose clock is not ticking away in a countdown to hell
Girls not in love with the darkness, like I
Girls who don't bet all they have to you, their one card

Go for the life, cheat on me baby
I fully will understand
I already do.

Scott, ****** torture
Singing on my computer screen
Scott, my only vice
A sweet remembrance of being a teen

In your tight clothes and dapper look
You get my attention pointing at you
You speak to me about my past, the guys I would have banged
I would kiss those lips! Take off that shirt!
Stare at you for hours
it's what I would
Would I? As a teen
I spent my days singing to guys like you
who sing songs like me
That take my anguish and make it pretty
That make me feel less alone in the world
Scott, a photograph from the past
Scott, present right now
Scott, a symbol more than a person
Awakening now with me?
Of all I was, all I am, all I will

Where are you tonight?
I'm playing russian roulette with my heart
Giving it away to strangers in my pain
Which is getting to be too much

Where are you tonight
while I count hours away
while you live your life
and I waste it with anyone
and I end up over the top
tired of who's talking to me a lot

I gave my heart to the wrong man
tonight
I fell under familiar deathly spell
again
but this time I'm a watchdog
it won't happen twice

He says my poems are depressing
And I fear I'm going down the path again
of telling my life to anyone
This fake freedom that really is nothing but
wrong
being adapted to anything but myself
He says my poems are depressing
And I wasn't even there
I can't help but write about these things
I can't help myself
I can't help my life is such a mess

But in the other hand...
you cannot see my dark
but maybe you cannot see my shine
either

Maybe I feel like this is the path
but somehow it is not
Maybe they clipped my wings and chopped my limbs
And I grew from there on
What would I do without my source of pain
that gives me joy in the shape of poems

Something's quite wrong with me
but it was also back in time
When I couldn't write a line
when everything would turn a lie
I spent all this life
trying to be myself
and what I find is not always
something I can say

I turned myself upside down
or was it from the start WRONG?
I hear all of your words
They cut right through me like knives to the heart

I am a runaway
By choice
By vocation
It's in my veins
But no one chooses ever really
to be on the run
"I just had to"

I am struggling
Like I never did
And I fear losing myself
while I drift
While I fight
I thought, I always get lost
won't you pick up my bones
from the floor
if I fall down again
I won't
if I fall again
trying to stand still
breaking the spell of the house
breaking my million spells
both black and white

All my relaxation has left the building
all the happy paths I drew while dreaming
while planning
replaced with this feeling
that degenerates, fades, changes
but the seed is still alive
i'm still shooting
i'm not dead

How not to let the wrong men in the world
WIN?