i can't help but be filled with poison
every time you strike me
because when you do its like
a thunderstorm has hit
and my delicate body was
decaying land
that couldn't possibly stand
the lightning.

-it keeps crashing

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i am dizzy and watch the sun burn in hot pink fire
i watch the skies orange hues
spark rage onto the tips of the trees,
and there is some light
dimmed and green and ever-glowing
that I find myself drawn to;
a black and mossy demon, a shape-shifting lover.

when you approach this calmed heart
please hold it gently;
remember that i am here-
and when you fail to see the wind waltz through your bedroom window
know it still flows-
somewhere a world catches drift of your dreams
and you inspire thousands.

i see you in the swirls and patterns that engulf me
and i sense the desperation for confirmation but for now
i'm watching the clouds roll by like motion-picture movies;
and they tell my favorite stories

through this fire, i smile.

-through this fire

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your **** is not disgusting at all
thats all he can seem to apologize for.
i'm so happy among the screaming and aggression
that my womanhood
is not disgusting.
it's not like you didn't tell me to **** myself
and ill be honest i was already half way there
when i heard that sentence run off your ******* mouth.
how ******* dare you.

i should of been more angry with you
i shouldn't have let you kiss my beautiful rose
with your disgusting, unworthy mouth.
you want to claim respect yet you had none to offer
you're toxic, and every woman knows it.
that's why there was only me.
and now that i've learnt, you'll have no one
until you learn.

-toxic masculinity

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lord
if you exist
take me now;
take me to the heavens where tears are forbidden
where the scars on my arms turn heavenly pure
where I cannot hurt.
lord
if you exist
cleanse me of my pain;
teach me to be kind to others and myself
teach me to not fall again at the hands of evil or kiss the lips of destruction
do not let me burn the spoon.
lord
if you exist
allow me to lay with the angels;
allow me to float softly through my nightmares, to wipe my own tears
to hold him tight when I cannot reach him at all
lord, please bring him to me.
please bring back my soul
so that I may understand what there is to understand
to love my family and friends unconditionally
to turn the other cheek when he betrays me.  
to fall in love with another and myself.
teach me to waltz underneath the moonlight when I am feeling forgotten so that I may know
that I am not alone.
father, please,
let me touch the pink marmalade skies
once and for all.

-prayers

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white walls
tiny windows
heavy breathing stains the walls in coughed up bubbles coloured red
pure sheets on hard mattress break the very bone of your back
as you lay here alone.
the songs of the one you use to love send gun shots into your chest
as you lay still, waiting for the enemy to attack.
bodies piled on bodies you recognize the stench of death that once plagued your mind
and committed sins on your wrists
but you fight so hard to release yourself but the water keeps coming in
and soon your lungs are like a fish tank; your filter will be clean but the water never emptied
the march of your enemies sound closer now
and mother Mary watches down with a bruised face and a contorted body
you want to scream but nothing comes out
and you know she cries for you when you're sleeping
while God sits back and controls the show
you've been here, you've seen your life ahead of you all before
so breath in, breath out, your chest will collapse
and remember to relax, remember to relax
let the darkness consume you
while the tears stain the sheets--

-white and red

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it's not hard to imagine you in front of me
your smile forever present; please
don't look at me like that
you're making me blush.

i always want to tell you
but the words get lost in my mind.
i can't help but stay silent.
it's not hard to imagine that
you feel this too.

is it silly to run away?
is it silly to jump?
i can't imagine standing still with you anymore..
i don't seem to know anymore..

so for now, lets smile
show me those stars i so desperately want to catch
drive me out. fill me in.

-fill me up

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you leave me gasping for eternity in our darkened slumber and I fall deeper into this mystical feeling. the tenderness trails my body and i can't stop melting into the covers while you hold my head. bright eyes can't deceive me anymore an somehow i was gifted with yours, free of lies. i see a universe of hope and fanaticism and calmness that something about it entices me to stay. there's nothing left but tired. sleepy nights after making love when you let me stay;

and you held me.. and i felt real again.

-i love melting into you

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running in perfect circles,
but there's no where left to run.
another day you've moved on without me,
i guess you've already won.
there's nothing to do, there's nothing to say
except chase away the sun
and when I'm with you and I close my eyes
i know we're already done.

there's no point to remind me,
there's no point to try to care
you're actions speak louder than your words
trust me, I've been there.
despite you saying you need me, and that you love me too
i know you think of other women when I'm not with you.

i try to remind myself that
good people never lie
but you're good person image is slowly fading in my eyes.
you told me that when you're with me
you seem to be complete
but how can you be complete
when all you see me as is a piece of meat?

what I don't understand, and what I try to
is why you do what you do
and the answer is obvious and scary but
i'm still in love with you.
it kills me just to say that, like poison in my food
but if I don't say it, either way,
i know I'll follow through.

you leave me at the perfect times,
the times when I'm alone.
is that why you tried to disregard my cries
when I was drowning and you were afloat?
slowly but surely I faded down
and you'd promise to be there
and you were there- I must admit-
to see me take in nothing but water and little air.

so here's my poem to you
the one to make you glad,
remember you destroyed a woman
and took everything she had.

-you made the book

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