I lose myself when I walk away from you.

I know.
I'm not supposed to.

I'm meant to be strong and sure.
I'm meant to be brave.
I'm meant to be independent.

And I am.

It's just so much easier with you there.
Right beside me.
Holding my hand.
Lending me strength when I have nothing left to give.

I am independent.
I swear.

Just sometimes I don't want to be.

I'm just tired. Tired of people assuming. Tired of being tired, of not knowing myself or what I want. Tired of wanting to cry all the time, of not being able to sleep. Tired of my past, of the future that's unknown. I'm tired of my ghosts and all the burdens that I carry. Tired of not liking the way I look, of my personality. Tired of not being a good friend, of not being able to keep friends or even make them. Tired of ******* everything up, of hurting people. I'm tired of being hurt, of feeling pain. Tired of all the lies I keep being told, of being afraid and frightened. Tired of constantly wishing I lived in another life, of coming back to reality after each time I finish a book. Tired of waking up after I sleep, of having crazy dreams that make me want to wake but then fall asleep again so I don't have to deal with everything. I'm so tired. But above everything, I'm just tired of being alone.

Why am I so stupid around you
Why do I always say the wrong things
I'm always making a fool out of myself
Always clumsy, always thick

I'm constantly blushing
Always red in the face
It's not a pretty look for me
Or for anyone in that case

My heart races when you come near
My tongue goes thick in my mouth
I can't speak, cant think
I always wish I were somewhere else


Life would be better if it went back to the way it was before
Just friends **nothing more

I'm angry and upset
I can't understand this
What is wrong with people?
Can't we all just get along?
Can't we look past colour
and exist in harmony?
Why does it always end
In gunshots and death?
Where is all the love?
Where is all the hope?
People scared to go out
Children scared to live
This should not be happening
And yet *it is

She was just a young girl
Reaching for the stars
and wishing on dandelions
She was happy, content
Until the darkness arrived
The stars became dull
And dandelions just a ****
She became lost, lonely
A transparent ghost
Haunting her home and family
Unable to talk to them
Or to let them know
They couldn't understand her
So they lost all hope in her
And soon she lost hope in herself
She faded from their minds
Then faded from existence
And no one would remember
The girl who reached for stars
And wished on dandelions

I know I said just friends
and that is what you want too
but I can't help my feelings
even though they don't 'exist'

i.just.can't.help.it.

I want to lock up my heart
and throw away the key
to never feel again
at least not right now

The sky is making me sad
The way it’s crying
All grey and bleak
And I’m listening to the same song
Over and over
It’s stuck on repeat
They seem to be reflecting
The state of my soul
Tired and gaunt

I've begun to hate
The sound of happiness
It breaks my heart
Cuts my skin
When I hear a laugh
Or see love
So I drown the noise
To avoid the pain
Of seeing and hearing
Everyone else's happiness
When I clearly
Have none

One date
That's all it took
I fell in deep
With just one look

One date
That's all it's been
A walk with you
And you rule my dreams

One date
That's all I needed
For my heart to take over
No warnings heeded

*It only took one date

Most days I can carry on fine
I can bottle it all in
Hold it all tight
The pain threatens to overflow
But I can keep it in check
Just holding it back
I'm at tipping point
Anything can cause me to fall over the edge
But still I managed to just hold the tide

Then a small, insignificant thing happens
Not anything to be upset over
But it's the final straw
It's what tips me over

The tears start to drip like rain
Then pour like waterfalls
There is no way to stop it
No way to control it
I've lost my grip on sanity
All my emotions stumbling over each other
As they try to leave
Each roiling in a mass storm that's come to stay

Now that I'm here
There is no going back
I've passed the point of no return
I've left behind the sanity
I once had a slither of
I can't stop now
I can't go back
I'm here and I'm staying

*I'm past the point of no return

I can't help but hate myself
For who I am
I wish I was prettier or smarter
But I'm not
I'm nothing that you want me to be
I'm useless and pathetic
And all I see in the mirror
Is a dead reflection
I can't help it
So don't try to fix me
I'm broken beyond repair
And nothing you do can change
The hatred I feel for myself

i just want to be loved
held tight
kept safe in someones warm arms
whispered nothings in the night
kissed, hugged
*loved

This melancholy
Sits on my shoulders
It's weighing me down
I'm drowning in the blue
Of salty, unshed tears

This gloom
Sits on my chest
It's holding me down
I'm suffocating in the black
Of this oxygenless state

I've watched you fall for girls
over and over again
I watched your heart been broken
and suffer miles of pain

I've always been there
to pick you up when you fall
Been a shoulder to cry on
a companion through it all

Still you carry on drowning
in all these endless tears
And if you don't stop now
You'll carry on through the years

I swore the last time it happened
I'd pull myself away
Walk out the door and say goodbye
never again would I stay

But once again I'm back with you
holding you as you cry
"I'll leave for real next time" I say
but we both know I won't try

Sure
Go ahead
Trample all over me
Do whatever the hell you want
Its fine
Really
Its not like I matter
Or have feelings anyway

i'm a bird without a cage
finally flying free
please don't try to catch me

I didn't want to hurt you
But still I did
And for that I am sorry
I wish you had never met me
Maybe you would be better
Healthier, more alive
But we met
And I poisoned you
With the darkness inside
I ****** away your light
And now your dying
The toxins race through you
Drinking your life force
Consuming your very soul
I didn't mean to
It just happened
I'm sorry
*i'm so, so sorry

Tonight
I can't seem to stop the tears
From slicing down my skin
And the pain wont leave me
Tonight
I don't have to pretend
That everything is a-okay
And happy sunshiny days
Tonight
I am allowing myself to break
Into a million different pieces
Scattered across my floor
Tonight
I will let my raw soul loose
With all it's demons and ghosts
To wreck havoc upon the walls
But only for tonight
*just for tonight

I'm here
Waiting
Hoping
Wishing
I'm here
Dreaming
Longing
Wanting
I'm here
Believing
Accepting
Belonging
I'm here
Caring
Watching
Loving
I'm here
I'm here
*I'm here

It's been a long day
And I'm so tired
Yet all I can do
Is lay here and cry
Not the loud kind
But the quiet tears
That hurt your throat
And fall so fast
It seems that is all
My nights are for now
Trying to make no noise
As I let it all out
I will never show
These tears to anyone
I will continue on
Pretending to be strong
During the daytime
But at night
When I'm all alone
I let them fall
In quiet waves
Until I can fall asleep

I can't stop thinking
about everything and anything
my brain won't shut up
especially when I'm trying to sleep
it's so frustrating
when I'm tossing and turning
thoughts bounce around
and around my head
they keep going in circles
in squares
whatever shape they can
never stopping
never ceasing
always moving
until suddenly it is morning
and my brain shuts down
finally some rest, some peace
for a little while
until my brain gears in again
and starts to think
then the cycle starts over
and suddenly **I can't sleep

I can tell you don't really know what it's like to be all alone. You think you do, but you really don't. You've never experienced that hollowness inside, that inability to have someone there to just talk to. You've never experienced the gut wrenching ache when you see people laughing, kissing or even just walking together. You've never awake lain in bed at night wondering what's so wrong with you that nobody even pretends to like you. You've never fallen asleep with tears staining your cheeks as once again you cried and cried until you couldn't breathe all because you know tomorrow won't be any better than today. You've never had to sit at a table for one with everyone else at tables for at least two. You've never felt that loneliness that rides around on your shoulders and in your heart, plaguing you, haunting you, breaking you down until you are nothing but a shell of what you once were. Trust me when I say you don't really know what it's like to be alone, because if you did, then you wouldn't be trying to sympathise with me or pretending you know how I feel. You would do what all lonely people do when they meet another lonely person, you would just sit and listen to the unspoken words and try to fill just a little bit of that emptiness that resides inside.

I left
and now you've cut me out
You're moving on
making more friends

It seems as though you've forgotten me

I once was you're best friend
the girl in all those photos
Smiling, laughing, pouting

But I've been replaced
by some other girl
Who's prettier and smarter
better than me in every single way

I can't figure it out
what did I do wrong?
What was the mistake I made?

Maybe you just changed
maybe I did too
Our lives aren't connected anymore
we'll just go our separate ways

I think you did forget me

But just so you know
I forgive you for all you've done
For all the pain and tears

You don't know it yet
But I forgive you

You are forgiven

He's been staring at the page
For hours now
Unsure of what to write
Or how to write it
The words are a mess
Jumbled inside his head
None of them making sense
The tears keep falling
The pain keeps building
But he don't know how to express
Everything he's feeling

She's been staring into the dark
For hours now
Unsure of how to breathe
Her head is a mess
A jumble of feelings and thoughts
All the pain, the hurt
All the anger and regret
She's wary of treading this path
But still ready to dive in headfirst
Straight to the bottom
To forget what she's feeling

The pills are cold in his hands
The wind is coarse in her ears
He swallows, she jumps
And suddenly the pain is gone
The darkness swallows them up
Their bodies go still
No more breath, no more life
To pass through their lips
They are gone
They are *gone, gone, gone...

I can't help but feel like a big disappointment
Like everything I do is wrong
You look at me with those sad eyes
All traces of happiness gone

I know I'm useless and totally pathetic
And I'm sorry for being that way
I can't change it no matter how much I wish
Unfortunately I'm here to stay

People tell me to lighten up and smile more
But I wish that they could just see
How the hell am I supposed to believe in myself
If no one will believe in me?

I can no longer feel
For I am no longer alive
And no matter how hard you try
You will never be able to find me
I am buried so deep within myself
Even I don't no where I am
It's as if I have just disappeared
And am living in a dream state

i'm so, so, so sorry
it's not your fault
it never was
please believe me
i'm so, so, so sorry

I only miss your picture
when it's gone
I only miss your smile
when you frown
I only miss your laughter
When your silent
I only miss your light
When it's dim

I don't really realize what I've got until you've left
I don't see you for who you truly are
I ignore you when your here
But when your gone
It's like a piece to my puzzle is missing

i spent so long
staring at that page
my words a mess
and inadequate
but i didn't know
what else to do
i hope you forgive
and understand
i'm sorry for it all
the hurt, the lies
and the pain
it's best if you stay
far, far away
i'm one mess that
cannot be fixed
so stay away
please
please
*stay away from me