I'm living in an alternate reality
So really I don't exist
It explains a lot about me
Like why I've never been kissed

The stars float below my feet
The sea drifts above
I’m invisible to all around me
So I will never be loved

I’m on the other side of a mirror
Never to be set free
Only to gaze through daily
Into a world I will only ever see

Although it means I see things
That nobody else does
I see beauty in everything
Even in the tiniest piece of dust

But still I am destined to be
Alone for all of time and eternity
For I don’t truly exist, you see
But live inside a fantasy

She may have been quiet, but she wasn't blind. Just because you didn't notice her, doesn't mean she didn't notice you. She saw a lot more than you thought. Like the time you tripped that boy, or pushed that girl over. She saw every little mistake, every defining moment. She was the type of girl to watch, listen and notice. She saw the pain you gave to others, but she also saw the pain you were in. She saw through the masks, the ruses, the indifference. She could see to your heart and soul, and saw what you had been through. She gave you a second chance. She let you heal and become a better person. She believed in you. And what did you do? You brushed her off, pretended like she didn't matter. All because of your friends. You didn't want to look like you cared, even though deep down you really did. *You fell for her. The girl who was invisible to everyone else. But you hid it. You hid all your feelings so you would still be cool. The girl who saved you. She could see all your pain, but did you try to see hers? She was breaking, fracturing, splintering as she was trying to piece you back together. She was falling apart and you left. You gave up on her even after all she did for you. Now, she's gone and you are never going to get the chance to make it right...

Maybe one day
You'll understand
Everything I did
You'll realise
It's better this way
You'll remember
All the good
And forget the bad
Maybe one day
You'll forgive me
For hurting you
The way I did
You'll be able to
Hear my voice
Without the pain
And the heartache
Maybe one day
You'll be able to
Look at me again
Without remembering
The tears you wasted
Thinking of me
You'll understand
It was for your good

*and maybe one day
i will forgive myself

I'm just so tired of living
Of breathing and moving and trying
I'm just so tired of always pretending
That I am alright

I'm so tired of believing
That everything will get better
I'm so tired of being disappointed
When everything falls apart

I'm just so tired of everything
People, places, words
And I'm just so tired of being me
When I feel like I'm all wrong

*I'm just so tired

The silence is so deafening
I can hardly hear the demons
Screaming my name
The void is so black
I can almost run my fingers
Through its darkness
And I am so I alone
I could scream forever
And still no one would hear me

it is interesting
the way worry can develop

it can start small
a tiny tingle
in the dip of your throat
branching out into lungs
restricting breath
deepening into something more

or tap you on the shoulder
gently
so you almost miss it
before enveloping you in a fog
the kind you can get lost in
all consuming
overwhelming

it can be there
suddenly
dramatically
taking over all aspects of life

or it can exist subtly
underneath
almost impossible to decipher
but still recognisable
as what it is

So,
I've got a few little words
I've saved just for you
You better listen close
**I'm not a toy
I'm not some play thing
I'm not someone you can mess around
I'm a person
I do have feelings
And I'm sick of all your crap
So forget me
Cause it's over
And I'm never coming back

I was once so excited
Just to come home
But now I dread it
For it makes me feel alone
Especially as I see you
Everywhere I go
It kills me inside
And makes the tears flow

I caught myself today
Picking daisies
And making bouquets
Playing silly little games
Like ' He loves me
He loves me not'
I strolled through meadows
And lay in the long grass
Dreamed and hoped

That one day it could be me
In the arms of one I love
Living a life of dreams
and happily ever afters
I hope one day it could be me

I caught myself today
Staring at the sky
For imaginary stars
That seem to float by
Wishing on the ones
The shoot past
Sparks in the night
Prayers gone so fast

*i caught myself today

I can see
The stares
The looks
I can hear
The whispers
The thoughts

The pity
The sympathy
Is written
All over
Your faces
The relief
The gratitude
That it's
Not you
Is right there

You think
I can't see
When you
Turn away
You think
I can't hear
When you
Cover lips

I'm already
Hurting
Don't you
Think it
Would be
Better
If you
Just didn't
Treat me
Any different

But why
Does it
Matter
I'm already
Alone and
Cold and
Crying
Nothing you
Can do
Would make
This any
Worse

What are these butterflies
Doing here already
It's just the beginning
It's completely brand new
I don't even know
If this will go anywhere
And still they all flutter
When I think of you

It's been only a week
Since this first sprouted
And yet you make appearances
In all of my dreams
My heart cannot take this
All the gaps have been filled
I've never felt this before
What does it all mean

Will this actually become
Something wonderful and real
Will my chance come
Could this be this cupids dart
For you occupy my mind
Every second of every day
You've taken over my senses
And all I am now is heart

silent tears at midnight
a heart that doesn't feel
eyes that see too much
a mind that doesn't stop

masks to hide the pain
a fantasy to hide in
legs that always ache
and a dark, broken soul

what have i done?

All I can see
Each time I close my eyes
Is your face streaked with tears
All I can hear
Are the heartbreaking words
You let slip before you walked away

what have i done?

All that's left
Is the heartache and the pain
And the guilt of what I did to you
All I know
Is that I hurt you, I broke you
And I don't think I can forgive myself

**what have i done?

No one can hear me scream
Over the sound of this silence
It is deafening and thick
Filled with ghosts and demons
The words nobody says
This silence is cracking
Straight to the core
Under the strain of unsaid horrors
Which people refuse to see
No one can hear the voices
That wind their way
Through the exposed crevices
Of the crumbling wall of silence
Soon this sturdy wall
Will collapse and tumble down
But still even then
No one can hear me scream

why can i no longer sleep?
With the tear tracks on my cheeks
My vision is getting hazier
With all these passing weeks
Where are all those dreams
That used to haunt my nights
My long hours in the dark
Have been replaced with lights
My bed is extremely rumpled
From all the lack of sleep
My mind is one giant migraine
From all the late nights I keep
why can i no longer sleep?

I just can't get you out of my head
You're all I can think about
And it's driving me insane

My thoughts circle around you
In a wild, savage dance
The butterflies in my stomach won't calm down
No matter how much I beg them to

It's worse at night when I'm all alone
In the dark I toss and turn
Memories of you closing in on me
Filling every space they can find

I'm losing sleep over this
and it's all because of

YOU

I don't mean to not reply
It's just that when I see your name
I freeze and stop
My heart pounding fast
I wonder if you truly want to talk
Or if your just another person to use me
Do you like me
Or just tolerate my presence
Like everyone else
I don't mean to leave you hanging
It's just that I read too deep
That hey to you means hi
But to me so much more
I can't tell if it's a hey i just want to talk
or hey can you do this, this and this for me?
I don't mean to hurt you
I'm just scared of being hurt
I really don't mean to not reply

there are some things
no words can say
and no person can understand
because they are stuck
inside my head
and how can i explain
when i don't know how
to get them out

It's too late to stop me now
I'm already falling
Further than I've ever fallen before
I've lost myself to you
I can't control it
No matter how hard I try
My heart belongs to you
And I love it
I never thought this could happen
To me of all people
But it did and it's crazy
I'm just so happy
Although I don't know
If you feel the same
Because you've never really
Said anything at all
I've been dropping hints
And clues everywhere
That you haven't seemed to pick up
And it kills me
No one told me
How hard this would be
So maybe I should stop
Before I get hurt
But I've already fallen
It's too late now
No one can stop me
And it hurts so bad

I will try
For you
To overcome my fears
I will try
Because it was you
Who asked me to

Don't flatter yourself sweetheart
It wasn't all for you, but me
I know it might be hard to get
But the world doesn't spin for you
And not everyone will fall for you
Contrary to belief I matter too
Everything's been about you for so long
I forgot how to love myself
How to live, how to breathe, how to be
So stop pretending I did it for you
I did it for me, all of it was for me

I've come to that place
Where we used to hide
From all our worries
And all our fears
I see you everywhere
In the trees, in the air
I feel your eyes on me
Even though your not here

It seems that this town
Likes to remind me
Of all the things we did
And all the things we said
For I can't turn a corner
Without seeing your face
Or feeling a tug in my heart
For all that we've lost

I know it's not real
But it still cuts deep
I still cry for you
And feel everything
I can't help myself
I get pulled into your story
Every single time
And I can't stop myself
So late at night
When I'm crying for you
I tell myself over and over
*it's not real

Sometimes all I can do
Is get up and breathe
And that's okay
Because it means I'm still alive

How is it that when ever I'm mad
You can make me smile
How is it when I'm feeling down
You can make me giggle
How is it when I'm so upset, so depressed
You can make a light come shining through

How is it when my world has turned
You can flip it right around
How is it when I'm always frowning
You can pick me up off the ground
How come its only you
No one else gets through the way you do

*how

I've learnt to distract myself
Because I have found
That when I'm not doing anything
I begin to drown
In all my sorrows and fears
I suffocate, I choke
I feel like I can't breathe
And I begin to lose hope

Your hello whispers across my skin
as you greet me in the cold
Your goodbye bites my bitter cheeks
as you disappear out of my life

Maybe I got too used to you
The way you laugh and smile
Maybe I got too used to your voice
The way you whisper in my ear
Maybe I got too used to how you breathe
The steady rise and fall of your chest
Maybe I got too used to your hands
The way they cradle my smaller ones
Maybe I got too used to your heart
The scars and all the secrets it holds
Maybe I just go too used to you
And that's why we fell apart

When he kisses you in the rain
Or slow dances with you in the kitchen
When he holds your hand any chance he can get
And takes the time to listen
When he gives you all his time
No matter what he has on
When he leaves you flowers on every counter
And plays all your favourite songs
When he dedicates his writings to you
Or stays home when you are sick
When he makes you a picnic
And lets you watch the movies you pick
When he can't sleep without seeing your eyes
Or hearing the way you laugh
When he calls you after he says goodbye
And waves at the end of the path
When he whispers 'I love you' before he leaves
And once more when he sees you again
You'll know he's the one you will love forever
And never leave his side for the rest of your days

How do I tell you all those difficult things?
How am I to let you know?
The words don't come
And the phrases are hard
They get stuck in my throat
How do I say we can't be together?
How do I get the words out?
My thoughts are lost
And hard to find
They evade my every grasp
How do I not break your heart?
How am I to know?
I always seem
To let you down
And cause you so much pain