I feel like I'm drowning but I have all the air in the world. the only thing pulling me closer to death is the ocean that flows from my veins and I can't seem to get up. memories of you are flashing back to me and it hurts to know you stopped caring. my eyelids are heavy and the only thing wrapped around me is this towel but all I want is his arms.

bruised knees and bandaids
your mom is no longer your best friend, she'll scream words that burn your ears
she won't read you fairy tales before you fall asleep at night
CD's and ballet
school buses, new folders and the boy next door named Tyler
he'll want you for your body, he'll spread rumors throughout the school
you'll only want it to go away
girls you share laughter with and teachers you idolize
everything becomes different
the only thing you'll share with those girls is a pack of cigarettes and the stories you hear in the hallway
gummy bears and juice boxes have turned into prescription medicine and shots of *****
just wishing for one good day
your special blankie and your favorite hair bow
hidden in a closet behind the new skirt your dad doesn't like you wearing
disney movies, popcorn made on the stove and your whole family smooshed onto one couch on a friday night
those friday nights turn into another day of choking back cheap alcohol and ignoring your grandmother's emails

I loved the way you'd smile
It could light up the whole town
Although I haven't seen it in quite awhile

I loved the way you'd laugh
It was so happy, so true
But I didn't know what you put yourself through

I loved the colour of your faded blue eyes
They seemed to make the world disappear
Little did I know you didn't want to be here

I loved the way you'd hold my hand
When I was feeling low
But I didn't know you'd soon let go

I loved the sound of your voice
When you called me late at night
But I didn't know you would soon end your fight

I loved the way your eyes lit up
When you heard your favouite song
You haven't listened to it in so long

I loved the way you'd write down all your feelings
In the journal under your bed
Did all those thoughts really go through your head?

I loved the way I thought I knew you
We were supposed to best friends
Why would you let that end?
But
I didn't love how you faked your smile and your laughter was always forced

I didn't love how your cheeks were stained with tears and gaining weight became your biggest fear

I didn't love the fact that you stopped eating and never left your room

I didn't love how your eyes seemed sad and the fact that nobody knew

I didn't love how you marked up your wrist with a knife and a blade and the last choice that you made

I didn't love how you never got help, because you said you couldn't be saved

I didn't love how you left me, I thought you would stay

I didn't love the words you wrote on the day you said goodbye and the fact that you always cried

I didn't love the fact that you didn't answer my calls that afternoon

I didn't love how I found you with a gun to your head

I didn't love how I was too late, you were already dead

-Becca Harris

it's october 30th
3 months and 26 days since the first day i really saw you
heart broken, i couldn't get you out of my head
3 months and 18 days since the night i fell in love with you
you, twirling me around on the dance floor
you, just a stranger
you, handsome
you, god why hadn't i met you earlier?
me, a nervous bright-eyed girl
you, a confident boy
me, just a stranger
i fell in love with you
i fell in love with the way you said my name
i fell in love with your gentle hands on my hip as we danced
i fell in love with each conversation we had
i fell in love with you
i fall in love with you, again, each and every single day
3 months and 26 days ago, the most beautiful person walked into my life
i'm not much of a prayer, but i thank god for you every night
i thank god for 3 months and 26 days ago
i fell in love with you
i am in love with you

10/27/2014

making someone smile gives me a fraction of peace because i think that at least people will have something to look back on when i'm dead.

make sure you eat dinner.

the time is falling like the leaves around you. move quickly.

don't let anyone tell you you're not worth it.

you're killing me by doing absolutely nothing and I guess I did expect more but
who wouldn't?
I still sit here on Sundays and think of you having breakfast with your grandmother
I think of our visits to the nursing home to see your grandfather
I think of our times playing with kittens at the local shelter

I think of my heart being shattered
to a million pieces
as your overconfident,
****,
self-centered,
**** attitude got in the way of your seemingly non-existent feelings
I think of the tears I cried when I realized all of the *******
I put up with
for so long
because I was too blind to see what kind of a person
you really are

I'll never know what you felt when I told you I loved you

I'll never ******* know

I am no longer afraid to die.

Day 81927181 of my heart being broken and I still wonder if your chest ever aches at the sound of my name the same way mine does whenever I hear yours.

There's a lump in my throat and an ache in my chest.

it seems to happen
late at night (or
early in the morning
whatever you
want to call it)
i wake up with a
feeling of such loneliness
such depression
after i call your name
because i can't get
the image of you
holding the door
for me
out of my head
i can't stop dreaming
of your words
"i
      love  
             you."    
or a simple
"you're
              mine."      
and how that was
once so normal
and now,
i haven't even heard
a
   "hello."
in one ******* year
because i don't even know who you are anymore.

you hold my hand as if it's made of glass and you're terrified to shatter me. i've never been so fragile to someone. how did i get so lucky? i can't look at you without my heart driving full speed on the express way. i wish you could hear the way i think about you because i'm sorry i never know what to say and when to say it. but it's okay because someday i'll have collected all of these thoughts and i will put them down on paper. i'll read that paper to you with shaky hands and tears in my eyes and afterwards i'll say
"i do." and think to myself, how did i get so lucky?
i just hope you will, too. and, you know, maybe you won't, but at least i had the privilege of spending my time with the most beautiful blue eyes in the entire world.

found a boy who makes love feel like speeding through a red light at an intersection
who reminds me of racing down the highway
windows down, hair blowing across my vision.
he and i could be a car crash
or a parking spot
he and i are 90mph on the freeway
yet when he holds my hand or brushes the hair out of my eyes
i swear the brakes hit themselves
and speed and light and time don't matter

knowing you're 8 hours away doesn't fill the piece of my heart you took with you
it doesn't remove the guilt from the bottom of my gut
and it doesn't take away the empty tissue boxes next to my bed

knowing i found someone new doesn't make me feel better about you gulping back cheap alcohol
and kissing someone else's cheeks

knowing that i could take my life any second and remove all of the pain that demands to be felt
doesn't make me stop wondering if you'd  
even miss me at all
or want to hear the sound of my voice again
or sit in silence while we watch the night sky
as if all of those stars
were equal to the butterflies in my chest