I keep telling everyone I hate you and it's almost like I do but you shattered my heart and I'm scared I might forgive you

the first time i met you, i had a beer in my hand
i pretended like a beer was enough to hush the voices in my head
i sat down next to you
you asked me if i wanted anything stronger, so i made my own
i didn't know your name
you were singing, you were laughing, you were smiling at me
you told me your name
i told someone i was good at pingpong
you told me you wanted to play me
i sat there hoping that it'd be tonight
you were smiling at me
i couldn't stop looking at you
my phone kept buzzing, the guy i thought i loved thought he loved me
you asked me to follow you downstairs
i couldn't play ping pong for ****
you kept smiling, i kept shaking
i kept drinking
i kept drinking
i kept pretending like you didn't interest me
i don't remember the rest of the night
all i could do was hope
hope for another night with you
i kept drinking
you kept smiling

I wish I felt nothing.

blood was pouring out of my veins
and you didn't give a ****
your hands were around my neck
and you were killing me with the words that never left your tongue
and i was the one
apologizing

Do you ever feel like the words have just been taken right from your mouth
And you're left with a dry,
Empty feeling
Almost numb

Similar to that cold October day when you
Left me

It's an awful thing to feel

Because I can't seem to find the right words to describe it

Nothing measures up to it

Don't tell me you've felt pain until you've loved someone who made words feel like broken glass and fingertips with the feeling of gritty sand paper

first kisses don't mean anything
old photographs of family get togethers don't mean anything
your first dog
doesn't mean anything
the smell of your favorite flower
doesn't mean anything
the first home run you made in a baseball game
doesn't mean anything

because all of you go to hell

and all hell is,
is rewinding those family videos,
reblowing out your candles on your 6th birthday cake,
getting your heart broken by that one you thought would never break your heart
all hell is,
is a landfill
of those times you thought you'd live forever

missing his kiss is like calling for your dog even though it ran away

missing his touch is like trying to put back together a mirror
that shattered against the floor

missing his laugh is like attempting to put the blood back into your scraped knee

missing him is like asking your dead grandmother to make it to your birthday party

things you left behind:

a case of shaky hands
a shirt you wore the day i fell in love with you
my heart, barely in one piece
(but it's fixed now.)
anger
(your mom still texts me every week)
a piggy bank of money we saved up for our retirement
the walls we painted in my room
(the walls aren't completely covered. it's ironic because you must not have completely loved me)
a box of movie tickets, roses, cards, all memories i haven't removed from under my bed
(your sense of humor is still with me but i don't think its funny that you now drown yourself in cheap alcohol and you probably can't remember my middle name)
bitterness
(i can't stand the thought of me being so weak because of what you did)

_

most of all, you left me behind
you left me to be weak
you left me to cry
you left me to hate myself even more than you hated me
you left me
and you left me so i could learn to love again
and i have, i have learned to love someone so much better than the way you loved me

thank you for leaving me behind

YOUR ARMS FEEL SO ******* GOOD AROUND ME BUT YOUR HARSH WORDS DON'T

When I went to your house, I felt at home again.
Your dad gave me a hug. He probably felt each bone in my body rattling inside of me. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you again.
By the time I left your house, I hadn't stopped crying. Your lips stung my forehead. Your lips tasted like hell.
I wanted you so badly for all of the wrong reasons.
I wanted you to help me love myself. But you only hated me. You only muttered words under your breath.
When I got home that night, I finally stopped crying.
The "home" I felt at your house, was just familiarity.
You never loved me like I needed to be loved.
You changed.

for him
thank you:

for rubbing my back so i fall asleep
for moments when you make me laugh instead of make me cry
for loving me when i don't love myself
for kissing my forehead
for reminding me that there still are good people in the world
for caring about me
for calling me when its midnight and i can't stop crying
for telling me i'm beautiful
for days like today
for keeping my hands warm when it's cold outside
for keeping me safe
for laughing at my jokes
for letting me tickle you
for teaching me how to love again