they creep in slowly
when i least expect it
in school during math
at home when I'm watching a video
in the bus as i stare out of the window
crawl in on all fours
they know what they want
they take it
they leave me empty
the won't leave me alone
not even when i am broken
and crying
and i have nothing left to give
they still find something to take
my mind is an endless hum of suicidal thoughts
whispers
and so i talk louder and
laugh harder and
try to drown them out and
it never works because they are still there
friends look at me with concern
it's just the stress i tell them, exams and deadlines
they buy it
excellent
so everyday i am free
to go home to
suicidal thoughts and chill

You have to take care of yourself
Watch out
Don't go out alone at night
be afraid of every noise
but why are you so afraid
you don't need to be frightened
you're just weak
it's nothing

I'm not here for small talk
I want to avoid the wave of
okays
and blank faces
I don't wish to drown in
meaningless conversations

How are you?
This isn't a surface level greeting
Dig deeper
How are you feeling?
Is your mind your enemy today?
Or your friend?
Or is there a disconnect, like an acquaintance?

How's the weather today?
I'm not talking outside
I can check that myself
but what is the weather in your head
Is it bland?
Is it nice?
Do you need protection?

Do you like this place?
This physical space
When you fully engage in the world
Do you like it?
What would you change?

What do you like to do?
How do you spend your time?
When the world is crashing down
What helps?

I'm not here for small talk
So don't get alarmed
When I try to get to know you

It's been far too long
Since I heard your smile
Or felt beautiful reflected in your eyes

The warmth of your skin
Is a vibrant memory
That tucks me in at night

It's the only reason
I bother trying to sleep

Memories taste sour
When waking
From the reality of dreams

The universe is cruel
While love is kind,
Or perhaps that's backwards

Maybe...
It's just been far too long
Since I heard your smile