Though the distance
between the star and the earth
be a thousand light years
I would gladly walk on rough pebbles
till I get to the stars feet.

If heaven were a physical city in some distant land,
I would hold your hands and surmount the mountains between.
If depression were an island in the Pacific,
I would hang you on my shoulder and swim across.
If fun were a drop of water,
I would rain on you showers of memorable moments.

I will take you to the moon
and dance with you on those barren rocks.
We'll visit Mars and stand on Olympus Mons
At night we'll watch the stars
Pitching our tenths in space we would never grow old.

I would rather hold your hands,
than steal your heart.
I just want you to be fine,
Even if you aren't mine.

he said,
(this boy
who is not who i love
but could have been
in a life
where i didn't love
someone else already),

"i would kiss you now,
if i could."

i said,

"i know. i feel it."

i said,

"it's in the air."

i said,

"it feels thick, between us."

i said,

"the air

feels

tremulous."

"tremulous," he repeated. "that's good."

and so we sat
in the tremulous air,
me and this boy i could love,
but don't,
but don't,
but maybe.

we sat in the tremulous air
and we didn't act on it
and i'm glad,

but now

i can't

sleep.

I go outside to escape my self
and the end and the inevitable
and I sit admiring the night sky
until the stars become the scattered
words I’m trying hard to understand
but seem completely unable to.

I look up into that dark blue night
and I wish it was the ocean.
I wish the world was a fading purple
sunset. I wish the world was
the moonstone blue of the sea.

I’m drowning in the night sky instead,
in all this vast intangible vagueness.
There’s no edge, no shore to the sky,
just stars and then stars and then stars.

I want to be on the shore again,
feeling alive, feeling maybe, just maybe
there’s a little hope in the waves that
have always been able to comfort me.

See, the sea is full of lonely moments,
losing moments, shipwrecked moments,
but it is also the place of liminal on the shore
moments, meeting moments, happy, maybe moments.

But here I am, sitting beneath the sky, not the sea.

I came out here to escape yet all I’ve found
is the inevitable in all its dark, vast, uncontainable glory.
I look away because I don’t want to see it.
I look away, because now it’s the end,
I’m not ready to leave.

I gather handfuls of cold to my chest
and take it all back inside with me.
I dream of the ocean. I long for the sea.

They called you Luna back in the day
You peppered the night air
With grace and great joy
You whispered secrets into ears
And danced in the sand
You loved with a full heart
And drifted away when it was your time to go

In life you're always learning,
You're always growing
You're correcting your soul
And trying to excavate your burning desire
You've known sadness
And that's why you fight
To know joy again

You were once called Luna,
But now you're more like the Sun
Like a burning flame
Your flame had once become very low
But you've taught it how to grow
By being true to yourself

This evolution of your soul is a journey
But have hope, darling
Tend to yourself gently
And multiply your love
And you will grow
You will flourish,
You will thrive
And oneday,
You will look into your very own eyes,
And smile your genuine smile
Of your childhood self
Trust me,
You'll see
You'll have become the person you were always meant to be.

"getting close to you," she said,
"it felt like skydiving"
her lips were trembling
and her eyes were so sad
"and now my parachute just won't work."

More of you, less of me
it was, it is and will always be

hello, bright sunny day, I'm miserable once again;
people say to just be happy, but I'm not a fan.

the ground is not enough for me, no not at all;
I don't want to be stuck on this tiny blue ball.

I want to fly, up high into outer space;
and punch god right in his bearded face.

yes, I want to defy, I want to control;
I want to be the only one that dictates my role.

I want to be grand, I want to be all;
to be god for a day, I would sell my soul.

the day starts with shirley
who comes in just after eight
for her 20oz chai
"what kind of milk?"
"doesn't matter"
punches her own coffee card
tells me about her puppy
kayla is next her hair and
makeup always perfect
about as nice a landlady as
one can have in a town like this

from there it's a constant
stream of people
who i watch out for and
who don't know i'm doing it

janice lives alone and thinks
people are stealing her money
doesn't understand
the tests her doctors want
she can't remember
what she always orders
it's a turkey club sandwich no bacon
on toasted oatmeal regular chips no pickle
a to go box for the leftovers
and some kind of chocolate treat in a bag
because she only eats when
she comes in here

two weeks ago
i accidentally switched
barb's 12oz soy chai
with someone else's
12oz whole milk chai
it wasn't enough dairy
to give her a problem
in fact she didn't seem
to remember it
but i made her another for free

nic stopped for his afternoon coffee
didn't laugh at anything just stared
blankly into space and said he
thought he was getting sick
had too many things to finish
the day before when i was waving
to him from the parking lot
so i took my dog to the
back door of his office and
we barked until he came out
patted us both on the head
and said he felt better

we're all creatures of habit
like mckenna who arrives
like clockwork
between one thirty and two
tuesday through saturday
leans on my bake case while
i count my tips and add random
ingredients to different drinks
in a reckless attempt
to break up the monotony
and he drinks them all
like clockwork
no matter how bad they are

rita doesn't smile since she broke her hip
in fact i haven't seen her since
walt got sick and he and joan
moved upstate to be closer to their son
i worry about something happening to ray
who will take care of rita?
whose laugh used to echo off the walls
and fill the place up
pat's smoking again and it turns out
he has congenital heart failure
gail had a fall, a stroke and
suddenly died

i make the same dumb jokes
only a few people smile at
i sing to myself
and people point it out

karen sits in her motorized wheelchair
ice and snow dripping from the wheels
onto the scratched, muddy floor
and tells me i'm pretty and funny
and have a beautiful voice and
i look at karen, her head tilted to
the side and spit hanging from her
buck teeth and wonder why such a
wonderful funny girl with a heart of gold
had to have the body she's stuck in

why life is ****
and why i'm trying
i swear i'm trying
fighting
for something
i don't know what

why we fight
why we try
to make the world
a better place
when nothing can really change
any of these dismal facts