when your mind clouds over
like the sky on a rainy morning
when your heart starts to fracture
as if it were a ligament to be fixed
when your eyes become oceans
with threats of tsunamis in the waves

there is nothing more peaceful than that

i look at you. and my heart breaks. it breaks and it breaks and it breaks and it breaks. you shatter it and you have done nothing wrong but here i am. bleeding and weeping at the very sight of you. you. you who have always remained true to yourself and others. you who grips kindness and strength and authenticity and love and intelligence to your breast because you would never bear to let such treasure slip through your fingers. you would never bear to succumb to the woes of this world. despite your past. despite that this world has been anything but kind to you in gifting to you depression. anxiety. guilt. anger. and you painted a much more vibrant world with all of the grit blood sweat and tears this one drained out of you. you looked at something that was deemed ugly and you found it beautiful. when a celestial body crumbled in on itself you took the broken pieces it left behind and you molded something new. you hung the moon. you made gold out of rust. grew flowers from cracked dry infertile land. made promises and broke and kept them all the same because you are human and you are beautiful and it breaks my heart. you break my heart. i ache and i ache and i ache at the mere thought that you may ever think all that you do is not enough. that you may ever think you are not enough not worthy not beautiful not wise not enough not enough not enough. don't you see that you are more than any sane human being could ask for. you take your pain and compose from it a beautiful melody. heart wrenching verses mournful refrains choruses echoing with anguished tears and minor keys tug at my heart strings the same way you manipulate the strings within the belly of a grand piano. you play and you play and you rip words from our throats and finally we can breathe and finally we can breathe and finally we can breathe and thank you for giving me a sanctuary thank you for giving me air to breathe for giving me a place to call home for giving me something to love for giving me life. life in its most beautiful form. you. you are my life and i am devoted to you and my heart is breaking. you smash and hit and beat and shatter and break my heart you rip it to shreds and then with a few tinkling piano notes hushed words spoken in your mellow honey voice you fix it you fix it you fix it you fix fix fix it. and i am yours. yours no matter how much heartache i live through. because i am able to live through it. because of you you you you you. you. you are my first love. my love. you are breaking my heart.

we had promised each other
till death do us part
but because of you
and your selfish heterosexual claws
she will always believe we are together
long after i have left her

there is nothing worse than that
nothing worse than
not getting to say goodbye
or i love you one last time
she will forever wait
for someone who can never come home

oh, he's marvelous
writes me letters
sings me songs
makes me laugh
holds my hand

oh, but that's not true
no letters
no songs
no laughter
no hand holding

oh, and she's not a he
she's my wife
and i can’t visit her
but you never asked
and i can never tell

*-”how's your husband back home?”

i wish that i
did not think another
person's loving and
acceptance of me
would make me enough
for myself
i do not need them
but i can not
see that just yet

i listen to a song
with a purpose of its own
and give it another one
entirely
lines about living by pools
are my reality
verses recounting
explosions
dreamy young girls
and never returning
home
are the thoughts
that have plagued my mind
for years
and years

what is it
that they have
that i don't
what is it
that makes
your heart sing
i would have you
humming lullabies
whistling show tunes
composing love songs
belting librettos
and still
they would not
be dedicated
to me