I'm searching for your loving gaze
in strangers eyes and shots of *****

I lost the sense of butterflies the day
you told me you didn't know what love was
after telling me days and nights how much you loved me

i don't have any photos from when
we were our happiest together
but that's okay, because I have memories
of us when we never fought
and little spots around the island that can
take me back to a time that once was

too many times I can count where your little heart begged for me back
when you knew I could wake up to
an unfamiliar face
for another day
and I know if I gave you a third opportunity to
hand you my heart on an IV and stretcher
only for you to tend to it for a week and
forget it was ever there and make up excuses
as to why you couldn't care for it

so tell me why you cry for me the most on late winter nights
and search for me in your sheets to grasp my last lingering scents
when it was you from the moment I met you
up until the spring solstice
but it was you who couldn't tend to a heart that needed the love in the first place

I searched for your empty touches in menthol cigarettes on nights we'd argue
over why you never had the time for me in the first place
but would drag me out to sea to find all of your shipwrecks you allowed and applauded
when all I wanted to see was the stars above the wrecks

i miss the mask you put on in the summer that faked smiles and affection
but I got the harmful tattered mask you put on for your enemies
I just wanted to take off your masks and see the real you
the one I know is under all of the sadness
the one who I could've loved
maybe you'd understand too if I showed you the masks I burned of my own
but I burned them the day I came to terms that my heart was taken by you

don't you get it?
I'm not coming back
but my heart keeps wanting to drag me through rusty needles
to convince myself you'll let me in
but my heart and brain have the same conversation every day
brain reminds heart about the long nights of crying and heart says she can do it again
but I don't want to
I don't want to be hurt anymore by you
I don't want to be turned down anymore by you
I don't want to be reading your poems about me
When it was you that pushed me away for the third and final time
And expected me to run back with open arms for you to love me for a week and throw me to the side again
And have my friends yell at me again and again for taking you back
'Because I love F more than words can make sense of it'
I can't even finish this without saying I'm done
because it isn't done
because you
won't
free
me
after
you
cut
the
chord
you won't let go
when I said "I'm not going anywhere unless you force me to"
didn't you hear me?
you pushed me away, f.
you pushed me away.

i never want to run back to you again

They say missing someone is
a lot like pins and needles into your heart
but I don't remember missing you
when you were gone,
I missed you when we were together
I feel nothing but emptiness I filled in the spot where you once were in my heart

and that's comfort to put my pale skin to the mattress from now until the rest of time

I eventually found clarity on clear nights
The nights where the stars would tell stories of myself
One star told me that she saw me crying one night on the shores, she didn't have the heart to ask me why
Another star told me that she saw me pacing back and forth in my backyard asking myself why I was born
But there's one star that told me this story where he saw me laughing on the beach with some familiar faces. He said it was the first time he saw me smile that season. He saw me smile again when the meteors showed their face that night.
A meteor chimed in and said, 'We took our time that showing up that night because we saw a love rising. Multiple, actually. We saw your face light up more than our trails did every time he spoke."

the best way for you
and I is as one
we are art
like the sistine chapel
and our love is bright as the new moon in libra
but darling I'm growing scared for us
and I'm accidentally detaching myself
because I don't want to feel pain again
like I did for many years
except this time
it's going to feel like cupids arrow shooting me through my lungs

I hate how
you still make me
feel warm like a summers
day like you used
to

i stare into the sun a lot now
i know the consequences of that
"you're gonna ruin your eyes"
what's it matter now?
you were my sun and now you're
setting into the depths of where
i see you less and my heart doesn't
skip beats anymore when i hear your name
i don't know what to say or do,
you know?
i went months looking at you like
you lit up the earth and gave me oxygen
but now you're just becoming another
star that has lost its shine
well, maybe by looking into the sun
id feel the warmth you once gave me
all I just feel now is pain when I look up