to my sister, Karen, I know you just threw up your dinner. Please stop. I would give my life to erase the scars from your body and the pain from your stomach. You are beautiful and I wish  I looked like you. I know. Life is hard and it never feels good enough, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be. I'll hold you and hug you and love you. I love you. I am so sorry for calling you fat when we were little. Sometimes I think it's my fault and I just want you to be okay. I just want you to be okay. You are so beautiful. More beautiful than anything I can think of, inside and out. I love you.
2. to my sister, Destiny, stop pushing us away. I miss you and I wish I could build a home for you. I love you even when you become really mean and I cry and yell at you. You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna leave and I know that's hard to believe but it's true. I would do anything for you. I love you so much. You need to believe and accept it.
3. to my sister, Amy, it's okay to grieve. She's your mom. Cry as much as you want. It's okay. I miss you and I wish you still lived here. I know it ***** and it's hard but I am so so so proud of you. More than you know. You inspire me and I love you.
4. to my mom, do you remember? You abandoned us. And that was the last straw. I honestly don't even like calling you mom anymore, because you aren't. We need you. I hate you so much. ******* ******* *******. I'm scared that you're not gonna be okay if I hate you but at the same time I don't really care anymore. Do you remember abusing me? And trying to **** yourself and scaring me? Why? What did I ever do? I just wanted you to love me.
5. to my dad, i'm scared i'm turning into you. I'm drinking too much and I like it. I just want all the sad to go away and it and *** helps. I don't want to be like you. You're never there when we need you and you think we're supposed to be fine. We're kids! I want to be a teenager, but you stole that from me. I don't believe you anymore. Isn't that sad? I miss you daddy. Where did you go? You're not the same person anymore. Why?

The faded dreams roll in with the darkness

Like a whisper in the night

Transported to another time, another you

Surrounded by those who used to love you

By those you will always love

Heartbreak and odium upon awakening

Lost in the midst of then and now

Knowing what was meant to be is

Mourning all that wasn't

Preoccupied with the past, days seem heavy

Ridiculous waste of resources

Yet, it ebbs and flows like the tides

Creeping in, unwanted and unwelcome

Thankful always for innocent mistakes

Grateful that no one can read your mind

Missing bits of who you were

While trying to love who you grew into

I sit holding my aching head in calloused hands
experiencing ‘forlorn’
a worn soul aged beyond the calendar
dreary eyes look upon the state of humanity
irradiated babies trading rabies with deviants
live on pay per view
seeing the shape of famous faces
manipulated flesh blankly posed
only desperate oculars show the truth
darting frantically form mirror to mirror
attempting to validate existence through reflection
but not like the monks in Tibet
regret fills bent cheekbones
spackled with Botox and raspberry jam
thinning peak aligns with the occasional grey strand
and I sit wishing only to see people love themselves

Her fine hands are gentle
With lithe and spiny fingers
Of bone and fin.

Her eyes are opal,
Essence of emerald and topaz,
A hoard of treasure.

Her hair is sea gathering
And dances in the blue currents
Deadly as the sea snake.

Her skin is coral,
Made of mineral and sorcery,
A fatal beacon.

Her lips are urchin,
Set in a whirlpool of face,
A spiral of doom.

Her voice is dream,
Rocking the lost wrecked ships,
Ground into sand.

Her long tail is fable
Of paradise, beyond faraway seas,
Cyclones and waves.

Heard with my own ears
Beheld with my own eyes
Yet now, with empty bottles by,
Lies doubt in things remembered
True in the moment, believed
Then hidden bits unfold
And muddle the edges of memory
Words once trusted, now skewed
Hearts once borrowed seem stolen
And the "truth" tastes like a lie

There's a thorn in my finger
I pull and watch the black pour out
Watch as anger takes me into stone
I stop
Frozen in place
Filled with a dark heart
I spring back to life
Leaping at the enemies that put knives into me
But as soon as I walk away
The feelings fade
No knives
No ******
Just me
Alone with a dark heart
Alone with black blood
A monster inside
A passion of mine
Escape is no option
Can't run
But I'll hide

Tracing the thoughts with a fingertip
Lining the clouds with silver
Present feelings from past mistakes
Proof that change is good
Perspicuity from a lazy dream
Thoughts like jumping beans
Bouncing off of shady corners
Waking what lies in quiescence
Scratching light into the darkness
With a stretch and a yawn
Folding what was into what is
Forming what will be